Welcome to the Jungle, II: A Man’s Take on School Harassment

Last updated on: April 16, 2015 at 12:17 pm by Erin Wathen

Welcome to the Jungle, II: A Man’s Take on School Harassment 2015-04-16T12:17:27-07:00 Erin Wathen

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In my post yesterday, I cited a statistic that 83% of girls report being sexually harassed in high school. That same article also reveals that 78% of boys report the same. Feeling that I am only qualified to speak from my own experience, I asked my friend Chris Furr to write a follow-up piece about what harassment might look like, from the male perspective. I know that his (and mine) are only two snapshots of a broad and complex social issue. I’d welcome other responses from other vantage points, as you feel comfortable sharing. Meanwhile, thanks to Chris for sharing this today.

Trigger warning: sexualization of minors

When I was in the fifth grade, a girl at the next cluster of desks over from mine gave a “psst!” and got my attention. I looked over and she had pulled down her pants and underwear enough to expose herself, and when she saw that I was looking, started gyrating, simulating sex; complete with sound effects.

The next year, as a sixth grader, I apparently caught the attention of an eighth grade girl who rode on my bus. I was shy and more than a little sheltered and had no idea what to do with the attention she was showing me. One day, she ran her hand up my inner thigh. She thought it was funny that I was uncomfortable and embarrassed, and it became a game (to her), over time, on the bus ride home from school. I don’t remember now how or why she stopped, but I remember being glad when she did.

I have no particular feeling about these memories. In fact, I hadn’t thought about either in a very, very long time, until I started reading Erin’s post about the percentage of girls who are sexually harassed in school. I’ve been thinking a good bit about them since. I do remember thinking the first was weird and gross and completely random, since this wasn’t even a girl I knew all that well. And, I was 11 and had no idea what I was even seeing. The second lingered a bit more, because I felt out of control and embarrassed that this was something I was apparently supposed to like but didn’t. I can identify them now as sexual harassment–maybe assault, actually–but I don’t feel victimized, and I can’t name any lasting effect they’ve had on my life. And honestly, I’ve felt a bit hesitant to share them–mostly because I don’t need sympathy; nor do I want to diminish the bravery and strength of those who have a story of real brokenness to tell.

What did occur to me, however, is that I am not as ill-equipped to understand and identify with the experience of being objectified as I thought. I have wonderful, gifted, razor-sharp female colleagues in ministry who speak prophetically and beautifully about body image, the objectification of women and the way these cultural sins tread on the holiness of those created in the image of God. Generally, I read what they write and stay quiet, which I think should probably be the de facto posture of straight white men in conversations about marginalized populations: speak when spoken to.

What my experience and those of (surely) many other men mean, however, is that harmful expressions of attraction and abusive bodily boundary crossing are not solely the work of hormonal boys enabled by a misogynistic culture– even if they seem to account for the majority of instances. A larger force seems to be at work: regardless of gender, abuse or harassment is often perpetrated by young people who grow up in a hyper-sexualized environment; those who are frequently exposed to behavior they are not equipped to understand, and given little direction for how to be a sexual being while also honoring themselves and others.

As an (occasionally mature) adult and father to two boys, it seems clear to me that those two girls, the one at the desk and the other on the bus, were likely imitating behavior they had seen at home. But these days, our kids–mine and yours– ALL grow up in a hyper-sexualized environment. It is broadly cultural and systemic.

Just last night, the pollen had my wife on the couch with a pounding headache. I was trying to do the dishes and entertain two boys generally bent on destruction. The situation called for an impromptu dance party in the kitchen. I dialed up “Uptown Funk” on Youtube, hoping the video would be suitable for 6 year old and 3 year old eyes. The opening scene is a woman strutting down the street, being ogled by men on the sidewalk. I started to pull up “Shake It Off” (love me some TayTay) but then I remembered her crawling underneath that tunnel of twerking butts. I’m not a prude, and I’m not one who thinks we ought to suppress all expressions of sexuality in music or film. But I do want my boys to grow up realizing that the best relationship they could have with another human being is one where that person is a partner and not an outlet for their desire; that the person they truly desire will not be won over by aggressive innuendo and uninvited advances, and that they should be more creative, more loving and more vulnerable when seeking out a partner than the behavior they see around them suggests. Maybe more than all those things, I want them to know that giving in to that behavior not only dehumanizes the other person, but it makes them less than what God made them to be, too.

This is it, for me. We want more for our girls. They deserve more than the fog of hormones, diminished worth and mixed messages in which they are forced to grow up. So, so, so much more. But I want more for our boys too. Because they have bodies, and they have souls, too. And they can get lost in that fog just the same. No one parent or family can help a child navigate that confusion alone. Schools, churches, and other culture-shaping institutions need to be part of the conversation to empower our children for healthier relationships, and make safe spaces in which they can grow.

Rev. Chris Furr is Senior Pastor of Covenant Christian Church in Cary, North Carolina. He and his wife, Katie, have two sons.

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April 15, 2015

You're In the Jungle, Baby: Sexual Harassment at School (and elsewhere)

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