Monday Morning Quarterbacking

Last updated on: February 2, 2015 at 4:16 pm by Erin Wathen

Monday Morning Quarterbacking 2015-02-02T16:16:43-07:00 Erin Wathen

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Don’t worry. I will not attempt to talk sports.

I’m just here for the commercials.

I love them/hate them/love to hate them. Ministry is 70% marketing work anyway, but IF IT WEREN’T, I would say I missed my calling. In another life, I would be Don Draper. (Or Peggy. Or Megan! But I’m pretty sure they’re going to kill her off, so…)

Speaking of killing people off… WTF, Nationwide?? I thought you were on my side? That commercial was not just in poor taste, it was appalling. I get that they were going for a PSA about child safety. But, for one, there was no actual information shared about making children safe. No pro-tips for securing your weapons (can we please see that commercial from an insurance company?) no offer of a product to harness your television to the wall, no car feature that might better secure a child in the event of an accident… They offered nothing helpful or useful in any way. All they were selling last night was fear. Listen, Nationwide, WE KNOW. We are parents, we are already terrified. We already lose sleep over all the ways the world is unsafe. We try to find a little sanity, reminding ourselves that we can’t watch them ALL the time, and that doing so would make us –and them—crazy. So… I’m not exactly sure what you were selling last night, other than anxiety. Oh, and insurance.

But I do know that when politicians or preachers try to appeal to my sense of fear—rather than my sense of intellect or spirituality or connectedness or hope or any of the other ‘good’ senses that drive my decisions—then I run the other way. Same applies here. Whatever you were trying to sell—scaring us isn’t going to make us buy it. If the subliminal message was that ‘insurance’ ensures the safety of my child, then let’s be clear: that was not the takeaway from your little horror film. I could say lots more, but I’ll stop because I’m sure you are busy firing your marketing department today.

If Nationwide went for the gut, then McDonald’s aimed for the heart. It was precious. All those people calling their mamas? RIGHT THERE IN LINE AT the MCDONALD’S? No way! That is too adorable. And families hugging? Right there while they wait for their French fries? I can’t even stand it. All the feelings.

Listen, Snackdonald’s (my daughter’s infant coinage that lives on in family dialect): I love your coffee and all, but I don’t really love “feelings.” I especially don’t love contrived feelings. And what I REALLY don’t like are feelings contrived to make us forget that you pay total b.s. wages to your employees. Most of them can’t afford to support themselves, much less a family. How about, next year, a real time video of that check out girl calling her husband and saying, “honey? I got a RAISE! Yes, you can totally pay the water bill now, and go get that prescription filled for the baby!” Now THAT might inspire me to go and buy a cheeseburger. Even from you.

Ok, Dodge? Nailed it. Again! First the Paul Harvey/God Made a Farmer business, and now this?? You appealed to both my inner-xenophile and my inner-wannabe-environmentalist. Bravo. Don Draper-approved.

Don also liked “Ly-am” Neeson playing Clash of Clans while he waited for his scones. Excellent timing, unexpected context, humanizing of a well-loved celebrity… Well-done, all around. It ALMOST makes me want to go play the game, but alas… My children have already lost one parent to that dark abyss, so I shan’t leave them motherless. (Although I bet Nationwide could make a hella good commercial out of that. Motherless children! Score!).

The Doritos Middle Seat! Yes! That is what the Super Bowl Commercial is SUPPOSED to be about. It is clever, engaging, SHORT, has a twist you don’t see coming… and it actually makes me a little hungry for Doritos. And y’all, Doritos are nasty.

To the luxury car companies, I say this: On every high holy day—Christmas, Easter and the Super Bowl—you try to make me think my life would be better with your car. Or that the people who drive that car are BETTER THAN ME. Or that there is something beautiful/meaningful/inspirational about a talking dash board and a butt warmer. But I say now, and will say again: I’m not buying it. I’m never buying it. I don’t care how many Don Drapers you had in that room, how elevated your speech or music or scenery. I stand on my recliner at the end of your commercial and shout REAL PEOPLE DON’T DRIVE THOSE CARS!! Nor do they buy them for spouses as Christmas gifts put them in the driveway with a big bow on top. But we digress…

Run Like a Girl. Fight Like a Girl. I know! We’ve been saying. ‘Girl’ is not a negative adjective, and if you use it as such, you owe a public apology to your mama, your wife, your sister, your daughter, your girlfriend, and/or your female co-workers. What I want to know is, why does a feminine hygiene company have to run this ad? The message by-girls, for-girls is fine. But I want to see some dude-centric organizations saying the same thing now. Some of the Uber-Bro corporations that have some atoning to do on the sexism front. Budweiser? GoDaddy? Hardee’s? Anyone? Or how about the NFL itself?

And on that note, thanks for the domestic violence messages. It’s too little, too late of course… but I guess it is something.

Oh and listen, fellas… You get paid a jillion dollars to go out on that field and play a GAME. Young children worship you. I’m sorry to say, some grown-ass men worship you, too. If you get your feelings hurt because you aren’t winning, or somebody steps on your toe… Then how about USING YOUR WORDS, and not getting in a bite-y, scratchy cat-fight in the final 20 seconds of the SUPER BOWL? Fight like a girl, indeed.

All in all, kind of a disappointing year in advertising. And it’s a shame too, because my husband SO enjoys my brilliant mid-game articulations about the commercials.

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