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I Thought I’d Be Holier by Now

I Thought I’d Be Holier by Now

Last updated on: July 13, 2026 at 8:54 pm by Ellen Fannon

I Thought I’d Be Holier by Now 2026-07-13T20:54:08-04:00 Ellen Fannon

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I Expected a Spiritual Software Upgrade

When I became a Christian, I assumed sanctification would work a little like a software update. You agree to the terms and conditions, restart once, and voilà—improved performance, fewer bugs, and definitely no recurring issues. (Well, to be honest, I didn’t know what software was until many years later, but you get the idea. Back then, I would have guessed software meant comfortable clothing.)

Software update

I thought sanctification would be like a software update/image courtesy of Pixabay

But that is not how this process has gone.

The Patience Problem Persists

I am still impatient. Still opinionated. Still capable of sighing dramatically when people do things inefficiently—which is to say, differently than I would have done them. I’ve begged for patience so many times, I’m certain God keeps a sticky note on me that says, “Still Needs Practice.”

Sanctification: Less Staircase, More Obstacle Course

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that spiritual growth would be noticeable and linear. You know—less sin, more holiness, steady upward trajectory. Instead, sanctification seems more like one step forward, two steps sideways, a brief pause to reflect, and then a sudden realization that I am once again learning the same lesson I was confident I had already mastered in 2009.

I thought by now I’d be calmer. Kinder. More gracious under pressure. Instead, I’ve just gotten better at recognizing the moment after I’ve lost my patience. That counts as progress, right?

I still have conversations in my head that I do not recommend to others. I still feel the urge to criticize strangers. (Silently, thank goodness. At least I have some semblance of a filter.) I still think of the perfect response approximately three hours too late—usually in the shower or while lying awake at 2 a.m., where all wisdom resides.

Loving People . . . From a Safe Distance

And don’t get me started on loving people. I love people. I really do. I just love them better from a distance—when I don’t have to interact with them, and they don’t have the opportunity to annoy me.

People arguing

I love people from a distance/image courtesy of Pixabay

Still, Scripture says God is faithful to complete the work He began in us—not necessarily quickly, but faithfully. Sanctification isn’t about instant perfection; it’s about steady presence. God is still working patiently in people like me who are… well, not so patient. But that knowledge doesn’t stop me from wishing God would sanctify me already, so I will stop thinking uncharitable thoughts about slow drivers, rude government employees, and people who go through the express check-out lines with more than twenty items.

Thankfully, He’s Not Finished Yet

I’m learning that sanctification is less about looking holy and more about noticing sooner when I’m not. Less about never messing up and more about being quicker to repent, quicker to forgive, and quicker to laugh at myself. But sometimes I feel that sanctification is the ultimate slow-cooker recipe, and I’m still raw in the middle.

However, God is not in a hurry, even when I am. He is shaping hearts, not checking boxes. And while I may still sigh, roll my eyes, and exhibit passive-aggressive shopping cart rage, I trust that the God who started this work will finish it. Eventually. Probably not on my timeline. But thankfully, on His.

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