24 Ways I Know I’m Not Jesus

Last updated on: August 4, 2016 at 9:15 am by Steve Austin

24 Ways I Know I’m Not Jesus 2016-08-04T09:15:11-05:00 Steve Austin

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24 Ways I Know I'm Not jesus

17. If I was Jesus, out of your belly would flow rivers of sweet tea and buttermilk cornbread. Hallelujah!

18. About that whole crucifixion thing….I’d talk things over with my Pops and get Him to reconsider. Instead of the cross, I’d issue something similar to Abraham Lincoln’s “Emancipation Proclamation” and we’d call it good.

19. Remember the time when Jesus told the Disciples to throw the nets over to the other side of the boat? I’d sponsor a kid on the Bassmasters tournament and we’d break every record they ever had!

20. I wouldn’t have shared the limelight with Lazarus. Everyone has their time to go. And I would have missed him, but that whole coming back from the dead thing was my gig.

21. Speaking of limelight, that whole transfiguration thing…why would Peter want to put up a tent? It is way too hot in the Middle East or Alabama to be living outside. I need AC! Could we at least borrow the Popemobile?

22. I wouldn’t have let that woman break a whole bottle of perfume to pour on my feet. That was a year’s wages! I freaked out when my toddler spilled an entire bottle of essential oils the other day.

23. They say Jesus followed the Levitical Law. Are you telling me the Son of GOD didn’t eat bacon? I promise you, if I’m going to sit at the right hand of God when I die, I’m stopping by Waffle House for bacon and eggs on my way out.

24. Jesus surrounded himself with 12 dudes. Heck no. My entourage would have at least included Mary Magdalene. Dudes stink, especially traipsing around the desert for three years.

What would you list for #25? Leave it in the comments!

*Portions of this piece were contributed by my dear friend, Sarah Simmons. If you love beautiful words that encourage and inspire, check out Sarah’s site at beautifulbetween.com

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