My will be done: an annotated Lord’s Prayer

Last updated on: July 28, 2022 at 10:18 pm by Kathryn Shihadah

My will be done: an annotated Lord’s Prayer 2022-07-28T22:18:02-04:00 Kathryn Shihadah

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(reposting due to a glitch) Let us prey without ceasing. And when we prey, let us say:

Our Father (and by “our” I mean our tribe of Christians – the ones who understand the Bible correctly and have figured God out.)

Who art in heaven (and by “heaven” I mean that place where I will be for eternity, surrounded by Christians who, like me, prayed the Sinner’s Prayer and then spent the rest of our lives looking down on those who hadn’t prayed the Sinner’s Prayer.)

Hallowed be Thy name (and by “hallowed” I mean simply that I will not use Thy name as part of a cuss – I don’t mean “hallowed” as in honoring Thy name by feeding and clothing the needy as Thou hast commanded – all they really need is to be saved, right?)

Thy kingdom come (and by “Thy kingdom” I mean of course the kingdom of Western Christianity, administered by a man after Thine own heart – a man who believes as we do, and who, as our church leaders pray over him, bows his head and closes his eyes. He will enable us to pass legislation that obligate people to conform to our – I mean Thy – interpretation of holiness.)

Thy will be done (and by “Thy will,” I naturally mean what I determine to be Thy will – including but not limited to: who should hold office in government, what should be done to women who transgress [especially the commandment about adultery], and other rules about how women should behave.)

On earth (and by “earth,” I obviously mean in the United States of America, the place on earth that is closest to doing Thy will – I can tell Thy blessing is on our country because we prosper here due to centuries of godliness and a Christian work ethic.)

As it is in heaven (and by this phrase, I’m presupposing that you run heaven in much the same way that I would run the USA if I had the chance – and I would run a tight ship.)

Give us this day our daily bread (and by “give” I mean, provide food to those of us who have earned it, and withhold it from those who have not – at least until they show proper remorse for their laziness; I also say this phrase with the understanding that I may feast while others starve, because you have blessed me and not them.)

And forgive us (and by “forgive us” I mean, obviously, forgive us, the people like me are virtuous [thank You Jesus for making me like this!] but slip up occasionally – not those who are lazy, gluttonous, carnal, greedy, and whatnot. Obviously they need to clean up their act before they deserve forgiveness.)

Our trespasses (and by “our trespasses,” of course I don’t mean to imply that we commit egregious sins. The devil sometimes manages to get the upper hand and causes people of my tribe to stumble.)

lord's prayer

“pray” by jiadoldol is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

As we forgive those who trespass against us (and by “those who trespass against us,” I obviously mean people of my tribe. You wouldn’t expect me to forgive people who are out to destroy Christian America – especially those who break the “thou shalt not kill” commandment as I interpret it, or who oppose the types of killing that I think are suitable. We can’t let them forget how displeased You are with them. On Your behalf, I will continue to despise them.)

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And lead us not into temptation (and by “temptation,” I mean, simply, lustful thoughts and swear words. When I lose my temper at my kids, they had it coming to them; when I cut someone off in traffic, it’s just defensive driving; when I see a person in need and pass by on the other side, I’m teaching them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.)

But deliver us from evil (and by this I mean, obviously, I want you rescue me – preferably by providing me with a snide comment – if someone tries to convince me to change my political or theological position. You have revealed to me all truth and I have nothing to learn from anyone. If they can’t see that, they’re not worth my time. I am so thankful that You made me like this. Oh, and things like war and gun violence are not “evil” per se – they’re just part of living in a sinful world. And we don’t need to be “delivered” from racism because it doesn’t exist. All lives matter.)

For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory for ever and ever (and by “Thine,” I clearly mean mine – um…because I have the mind of Christ. I envision a Christian country, with Christians in power and passing laws to keep everyone in line, Christians prospering financially, Christians praying and worshiping publicly without hindrance. I’m sure that’s exactly what You want too. Eventually, all the others will see how honorable Christianity is, and will convert and say the Sinner’s Prayer, and we’ll all live happily ever after.)

Amen (and by “amen,” I mean okay, the prayer is over. Let’s get back to life as usual. I don’t need to change, but I want You to change everything around me to my – I mean Your – liking. But anyway, we both like the same things, so it’s all good.)

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