Narrative of a Newb: What the Heck Are All These Buttons For? (Part 1)

Last updated on: September 25, 2013 at 11:37 pm by Melody Evans

Narrative of a Newb: What the Heck Are All These Buttons For? (Part 1) 2013-09-25T23:37:25-05:00 Melody Evans

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I’ve always considered myself a tech savvy lady. Not to toot my own horn, but I know my way around HTML and CSS, I can customize my iPhone settings with the greatest of ease, I still remember how to program a VCR (that is, if you’re still in possession of one and need assistance), and my first computer’s operating system was DOS, which I still know how to use. Yet somewhere amongst those lofty, geek-worthy credentials, I missed a step. I neglected to maintain the status quo on video gaming skills. Oh, the shame! The last video game I had played was Sonic the Hedgehog on Sega Genesis. Sometime shortly thereafter, I forgot all about the video games because, “oh-my-gosh-BOYS!!!” became a lot more interesting to me. Let’s fast forward fifteen mostly awkward years, shall we?

It was nearly one year ago that I casually mentioned to my family that I hadn’t played a video game since I was in my early teens. Their reaction still haunts me to this day. My sweet, loving son laughed at me and called me a “noob”. With my geek status suddenly called into question, I did what any self-respecting wife and mother would do. I sent my son to his room for calling me names and my husband to work on the ever present “fix-it” list… then took full advantage of the rare moment when the family room was empty to examine the source of all the drama. A small, inoffensive black box with a few cords and buttons rested beneath the television. This, I can handle, I thought to myself. “Okay! Power button? A-ha!” I remember thinking that this was going to be a piece of cake as the console quietly hummed to life at the touch of a button. Little did I know that this would be the first and last moment I would have that self-satisfied smile on my face when it came to a video game.

First off, I wasn’t set up as a user on the console. Now, I understand the necessity for information security, but can someone please explain to me why I need to create a login for a video game system? Because it seems to me that this might just be a little bit over the line of what is strictly necessary, though I’m sure at some point it was advertised as a key selling feature. Access denied? Surely I can register myself as a user… That shouldn’t have posed a problem for a geek like me. Except that there was no keyboard. Only this perverted, butterfly shaped lump of plastic with nearly as many buttons as your standard QWERTY, with what appeared to be alien hieroglyphics differentiating the keys. Never one to be easily deterred, I applied the tried-and-true method of old school geeks, and started pressing random buttons until something happened. I can only surmise I made a syntax error of some sort, because something did happen, but not what I had logically assumed should have happened.

I should have admitted defeat, accepted the unpleasant moniker of “noob”, and moved on. Instead, I mumbled a few less-than-ladylike words to myself, and called in reinforcements in the form of our family friend Patrick, who most conveniently runs K-9! VideoGaming. An hour later, I had a user account for the console, a user account for Call of Duty: Black Ops, and a crash course in the methodical order in which to access the game. It occurred to me at that point to question the apparent need for TOP SECRET security level clearance, but I dismissed it, maybe I wasn’t as up to date on information security protocols as I had thought. Regardless, I was all set! Wait, no I wasn’t. Custom classes? Maps? Kill streaks? Perks? I don’t recall signing up to become a government operative. What is all of this nonsense? And why was everyone laughing at me?

In retrospect, I wish that I had counted the number of times that weird little controller was snatched away from my hands between my husband, my son, and Patrick. I was feeling rather mutinous. At some point, teaching me became an exercise in futility, as the testosterone kicked in, and the men decided they would all be ever so helpful. My son had looks of both amusement and pity in his eyes as he said “We’ll just set everything up for you, and hand you the controller once the game actually starts.”

True to their word, as the countdown for the match to begin on what I now know to be called Nuke town, someone passed me the controller. Then chaos ensued. Three men proceeded to start yelling and barking various unintelligible instructions at me. Some I believe may have been button sequences, some were the directions in which I was supposed to be moving, most were “WATCH OUT FOR TH… You died. Again.”

Stay tuned for Part 2 coming this Friday!

Geek Entertainment

Geek Gaming

Geek Girl

Previous Post

September 25, 2013

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Recap

Next Post

September 26, 2013 Geek Goes Rogue Reviews 2 Great Albums from TRIPOD

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Alien Life ASMR Book Reviews Careers in Writing and Filmmaking Catholic Imagination Christmas miracles DC Trinity War Articles Ebola Faith Family Entertainment Fangirl Raves Filmmaking Geek Books Geek Comics Geek Culture Geek Entertainment Geek Gaming Geek Girl Geek Goes Catholic Geek Goes Catholic Geek Literature Geek Movies Geek Music Geek Sports Geek Tech Geek TV Ghost Bear Ramblings God's Not Dead Coverage Grace Unplugged Coverage Ham on Nye Coverage (Yeah, we went there) HWA Stuff Indie Artists Interviews Jonathan Ryan Book News Kardashians Lord of the Rings Mark Driscoll Movie Reviews Parenthood Pixie Perfect Salt Lake City Comic Con 2014 Social Issues Teen Author Boot Camp The Conjuring Coverage The Michigan Dog Man Adventures Uncategorized Writing

Select a Month November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I prayed while serving wine to the king, and my sad face led to permission for my mission. Who am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Daniel Mordecai Nehemiah Ezra