When Boys Will Be Boys

Last updated on: October 13, 2016 at 5:09 pm by Sarah Babbs

When Boys Will Be Boys 2016-10-13T17:09:28-04:00 Sarah Babbs

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

“When boys will be boys, then girls will be garbage.” – Ann Voskamp

I don’t remember much from the assault, but I do remember the shame. The knot which began in the pit of my stomach, tightening the noose of shame around me until I could hardly breathe. It happened, as nearly all sexual assaults do, in a mentality of “boys will be boys” and a culture which teaches girls from a young age that their bodies are the national pastime. That their body needs to be small and yet large in all the right places. Their voice needs to be quiet, but not too timid. That to be valued is to be thin, is to be quiet, is to smile. Is to not make too many waves. To be all things to all men – be sexy, be hot, but don’t be a slut. They’ll think you’re a slut anyway, depending on what turns them on.

I remember the first time I realized a man’s body could be a weapon, and a woman’s body the scene of a crime.

I remember the tears I cried when I woke up the next day, saw the blood, and realized my body had been the scene of a crime. The crime of being 18 and trusting a senior when he offered me a drink. You see, I didn’t know that while he and his friends were drinking beer, the girls like me were drinking “jungle juice” – grain alcohol mixed with Kool-Aid. I had never been drunk before you see, so I didn’t suspect anything when I felt so terrible after one drink. Just one drink.

I thought he was being a gentleman when he offered to walk me back to my dorm after my new “friends” left me alone at the party. I hadn’t yet learned to be immediately suspicious of men because I didn’t know their bodies could be a weapon used against me.

It wasn’t until a few months later that I even realized you could call what happened to me rape. A “bad hookup” I’d told the one friend I knew I could trust – the one new friendship already real enough to tell the truth.

When I sat through the campus date rape round table presentation two months too late to help me – I had the first of many of what is now called “triggering episodes”. A lot of people think to be triggered is to be “uncomfortable”. The people who think that have never been triggered. When I was triggered that night by their skit about date rape and how not to use your body like a weapon, and how not to “let” yourself be the scene of the crime – I went back to my dorm and took a shower so hot it burned my skin. Then, I spent the next 3 days with a tight knot of fear, sadness and pain tight inside of me. I had flashbacks to the scattered bits and pieces I recalled from my assault as I climbed back into the bed where I was the scene of the crime.

Over the 15 years since that night, I’ve healed in many ways, and those triggering moments are fewer and fewer (though I always, always scan a book or movie and if there’s any suggestion that a rape will take place, I usually skip it – after learning the hard way one too many times).

All of this is to say that I was triggered in a deep way last week, by no less than someone who wants to be President of the United States. From the moment I read his words about women, about one woman in particular this time – that knot of shame, pain, and fear appeared in an instant and hot tears of rage sprang to my eyes.

He bragged to another man about using his sacred body as a weapon and making yet another woman’s sacred body the scene of a crime. He described vividly and honestly what he thinks of women – of woman – made in the image and likeness of God.

When boys will be boys, girls will be garbage.

I want to address these next words to any sweet sisters carrying the burden of inhabiting a sacred body that was desecrated and made the scene of a crime. These next lines are for you, for your precious, sacred body and your strong, survivors spirit.

When I was dating my husband and I told him about my assault, shortly before we got engaged, this is how he reacted:

He did not ask me what I was wearing or what I had to drink.

He did not ask me if I fought back or grill me for details.

He believed me. He held me and cried with me. He apologized that someone who looked like him used his body as a weapon against me. He told me he would sit with me and listen to any part or no part of what I had experienced.

In this, he was Jesus to me. In this, he allowed God to remake my image of what a man is. In him I saw what solidarity looks like and learned that when boys will be men, girls will be gold.

If you honor any man with your story and his response does not serve to bind up your wounds and pour a balm of healing on them, sweet sister that man is NOT speaking the words of Jesus, no matter what color his collar is or which letters appear after his name. Make no mistake about that.

When women hurt, God hurts. When a man turns his body into a weapon with which to make a woman’s body the scene of a crime, that man desecrates the body of God. When a woman’s body is the scene of a crime, God is on the cross, suffering by your side.

When some man, claiming to speak for God, re-victimizes you with his disdain for your story and dismissal of your truth, He is not speaking for God. In those moments, God is with you, dear heart. Seek Him in the Eucharist and He will whisper words of love, healing, and compassion to your soul.

In the aftermath of his words, his casual violence and degradation, I wept for my daughters. My beautiful, strong, powerful, brilliant daughters. They don’t know yet, but will soon enough learn, that their sacred bodies are nothing more than territory to be claimed and prey to be stalked by stunted boys who have never learned to be men. Their innocence takes my breath away and I long to gather them up into my arms and yell into the faces of those who think their sacred bodies are nothing more than playthings or future scenes of a crime – “NO. No, you cannot have them.”

I see a man like this one, who wants to hold the power like a weapon, and I shudder. I see a man like my husband and I marvel at a world that could have managed to produce them both – and I feel sadness mingled with hope. The Spirit of God is stirring in the Church and in the world, and I hasten Her holy arrival.

Right now we live in a world where boys will be boys, so girls will be garbage. Lovely words decry this mindset, but look below the surface and it is alive and well. We live in a world where broken men use their bodies as a weapon and women are the scene of a crime. But I know that this is not the will of the God who loves us, and I know that when boys will be men, girls will be gold.

Various

Previous Post

February 12, 2016

What I Want You to Know About The Mount

Next Post

November 13, 2016 Lord, Give Me That Fire

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 7 QT Beauty and Style Blogging Books Catholic Culture Family Funny Making House Poetry Social Justice The Children Uncategorized Various Women

Select a Month December 2018 October 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 April 2018 December 2017 November 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 February 2016 January 2016 November 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz