Desire and Fear

Last updated on: February 9, 2010 at 12:09 pm by Sarah Babbs

Desire and Fear 2010-02-09T12:09:20-04:00 Sarah Babbs

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

As I sit here, watching it snow…again, I feel the urge to write about something that’s been in my heart for quite some time. I’ve pushed the bounds of self-disclosure here before, and I’m certain that there are people who might read my little piece of the blog-o-sphere and think I share too much, but I take a confessional view toward life. My life has been changed, my faith strengthened, by hearing the stories of others struggling and how God has helped them. So I share my heart, knowing I risk the loss of my pride (which is an illusion to begin with).

At any given time, I have two competing feelings inside me. (1) I want a baby. Now. (2) I am terrified of having a baby. There, I said it. Everyone who knows me, knows I want to have a baby. It’s been nearly a year since we lost Michael, and I haven’t been pregnant again. I thought for certain, in my arrogance, that I would be pregnant by fall. Then by Christmas. Now, I’m just hoping that maybe I’ll get pregnant sometime this year.

But what most people who know me don’t know is that I am 100% terrified of being pregnant and having a baby. Well, maybe 90%. When I was pregnant last year, my first thought after reading the test was, “What? How?” followed closely by “Oh.My.God. I don’t know if I can do this.” It was only after about an hour or so of internally freaking out on a Chicago city bus that I felt happy. Then I felt excited, elated. Then I felt terrified again.

Anytime I have thought of being pregnant since then, I have felt this overwhelming sense of fear, mixed with a smaller amount of happiness.

At first I thought that my feelings of fear and panic about being pregnant (or even thinking I might be pregnant) stemmed from losing Michael. That was such a traumatic experience for me, that of course, if I thought I was pregnant again, I would feel afraid of losing that baby too. The more I think about it, the more I doubt this. Losing Michael was a very traumatic experience for me, maybe even more than Atticus understands. I know that some of you who have miscarried understand what I mean.

But I was terrified of being pregnant and having a baby before I ever miscarried; during those weeks when I assumed that everything in this pregnancy would be fine. Before. I was the walking definition of ‘ignorance is bliss’ during those weeks.

My fear has to come from somewhere else, though I’m sure having miscarried has exacerbated it.

Last night, I was sitting in Adoration and Jesus hit me with the truth about my fear (no, not literally!), but He knows I need it sometimes. I think my fear comes from two places:

(1) I have a chronic illness (diabetes) that makes any pregnancy I have a high-risk one.

(2) My mother had a chronic illness (kidney disease), conceived me, had a high-risk pregnancy, and died seven years later.

Now, I am not saying I think I killed my mother or any such thing. There are plenty of women who have high-risk pregnancies and go on to have another, or just to have happy, long lives.

What I am saying is that I am haunted by her specter. I am haunted by the specter of having a pregnancy that might take such a toll on my body that it could shorten my life. I am frightened of passing on my genetic faults (diabetes and PCOS) to any future child (especially a daughter).

I am terrified of what being pregnant might do to my body. And I am not talking stretch marks here. For one thing, I would have to go off Metformin and onto two different types of Insulin (five injections daily). Blood sugar must be monitored with Nazi-like precision. Diabetic women who get pregnant have increased risk of kidney problems (tell that to the daughter of a woman who died from kidney disease), blindness, and advanced gum disease.

Despite all this, I’m not saying I don’t ever want to be pregnant. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be worth all these risks just to bring a child into the world. I am saying that it terrifies me because my mother died young, so I know that it is possible. And I know that being pregnant could put my health in a precarious position.

I also wonder how I could ever really love a child. Being a parent is such an awesome responsibility, how could I ever really live up to it? I am too demanding, too rigid. I get frustrated easily, I am often very spiritually lazy. How can I bring a child to Christ when I often feel like I have a hard enough time finding Him myself?

My deepest fear is that God knows these things, knows that my fears are not unfounded, and that is why I haven’t gotten pregnant.

All of this doubt crowds my mind. Then I catch the eye of a little one in Church, and he smiles at me, and the desire for a baby is so thick in my heart you could cut it with a knife.

I don’t have any resolution here, really. I guess I don’t need to. Maybe it’s enough just to put it out here; maybe that’s the first step in confronting the fear.

Have you ever wanted something, but was terrified to have it? Did you overcome your fear? How?

Family

Fertility

Previous Post

February 8, 2010

Superbowl Afterthought

Next Post

February 10, 2010 Crazy Weather(man)

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 7 QT Beauty and Style Blogging Books Catholic Culture Family Funny Making House Poetry Social Justice The Children Uncategorized Various Women

Select a Month December 2018 October 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 April 2018 December 2017 November 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 February 2016 January 2016 November 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz