Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
Dear Susan: Should I Talk to the Pastor About Our Gay Son?

Dear Susan: Should I Talk to the Pastor About Our Gay Son?

Last updated on: December 5, 2014 at 10:36 am by Susan Cottrell

Dear Susan: Should I Talk to the Pastor About Our Gay Son? 2014-12-05T10:36:24-05:00 Susan Cottrell

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

dear-susan_white

You are a Christian, and your child comes out as gay. Where is the first place you turn? Often it is your Pastor.

If your Pastor is not affirming, turning to them when your child comes out could be a tragically bad decision. Imagine following a Bible-wielding Pastor into your home to “talk” (i.e. fix) your precious child!

So many parents feel lost, alone, confused and scared. They feel they have nowhere to turn, no place to even ask questions. That’s why we are here! That’s why the hundreds of Moms and Dads in our private Facebook groups are here. (If you want to learn more about these, just search for Christian Parents of Gay Kids.)

You are NOT alone. We will help you discover God’s heart and truth for your child, and help you unconditionally love, accept and affirm your gay child without feeling like you have sacrificed your faith.

I write Dear Susan posts every Friday. Sometimes they are poignant, sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes tender, sometimes funny… but hopefully always worth the read.

Dear Susan,

My husband and I have always seen signs of our youngest son possibly being gay…..he has even more so seemed to be transgender.

He just turned 12 years old in March and is going into 7th grade. I was going through his Instagram last night and saw that he was “following” a few homosexual people and drag queens. I then checked his text messages and found a text where he said that he told several people that he was gay. He does not know that we saw that. I’m trying to figure out if I should say something to him that I know about the text, or wait for him to say something to us. I don’t want these boys from school going around saying things and possibly leading to a bullying situation at school. Also, he mentioned in one of the text that one of his best friends has been his “boyfriend”. I really don’t want him going over there for sleepovers, etc. and having him explore his sexuality at this young age. We are devout Christians, and not sure whether to seek advice from our pastors.

Scared & Confused

Dear Scared & Confused,

You ask a great question. I believe God is shaking the beliefs of many of us over the issue of how God feels about LGBTQ people! I’m seeing it everywhere. The best thing we can do is to listen.

What is that line of privacy for your child? He clearly wants to come out at least to some people, because living in the closet is cramped and dark and so very alone.

He would benefit greatly to have you on his side – if indeed you are on his side! That is, if you will help him sort it out as an ally. In that case, you can talk about the topic in general, voice your distress of the bullying of LGBTQ kids, express that you appreciate the struggle of coming out in a hostile environment, to give him confidence to come out to you.

But only if all that’s true.

If you create a truly safe place, and you have his back in every other way, he is likely to come out to you in due time. People need to stretch and breathe deeply, and they need community in which to do that.

But they also need to be safe. If your goal is to change him, or make this all go away, or to contain his “sin,” then do not pretend you are safe to talk to. If that is the case, counseling or a trusted friend might be helpful.

Also, I would encourage you to err on the side of love. There is no reason to not love your child. You may have questions and be very confused. I promise you that answers and peace will come. Your child is perfect in God’s eyes – please see him and treat him and love him that way. Breathe, err on the side of love, and let the answers come.

I can certain connect you with other parents.

That leads to the second question: whether to seek advice from your pastors.

The trouble I have with that is you may be setting yourself up – and your son up – for very harmful, ex-gay therapy behavior-modification. By that I mean, are they going to tell him he is broken and needs to be fixed.

That has led to absolutely horrific consequences including substance abuse, self-harming, and even suicide.

Some pastors will embrace you and your family, and love completely, with no attachment to the behavioral outcome. Other pastors will draw lines and say what your child – or you – can and can’t do based on your child’s behavior or thoughts (whether talking about it in public, acting on it, or simply not “repenting”).

In other words, some pastors are truly open and affirming, with no compulsion to “judge another man’s servant.” Others are very concerned about “drawing a line on, and not condoning sin.”

If you have the former, they might be a helpful ally on this journey. If you have the latter, they will distress you to no end.

If someone cannot give you a yes, then their no is meaningless. If someone cannot allow that God is fine with your son being gay, then their advice to the contrary is meaningless. Remember that Jesus gutted the obvious “no’s” left and right! He gutted behavior-modification. He gutted the religious leaders expectations and requirements.

Here’s our call as Christians – and as parents: we love, we encourage, and we trust God with everything else.

Your call is to love and protect your son! And that includes protecting them from bullying people in the church who label him as “other” or an abomination and tell you and him that he is broken and needs fixed.

I hear in you the desire to protect your son – even though it seems to conflict with being a “devout Christian.” I understand how you feel. That was me at the beginning of my own journey.

But I have come to know the truth of the Bible, of God’s heart, and of the teachings of Jesus. My relationship with God is deeper and richer than it has ever been. The same is available to you.

Your son’s life could be at stake, given bullying, suicide, and all the other dangers to the disenfranchised. Regardless of your convictions, you are called to love completely and without condition.

Bless you for your courage on this long journey! And bless your beautiful son.

Susan

Previous Post

December 4, 2014

It's Hard When People Are Afraid of You

Next Post

December 8, 2014 Ten Sneaky Things Christians Say About Gays — And What They REALLY Mean

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Church & Religion Dear Susan Family Support Gay Weddings & Marriage GCN Conference Jesus Blog LGBTQ Support Parenting Personal Stories Suicide The Real Jesus Theology Transgender Uncategorized X Archived Posts

Select a Month August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 January 2025 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 June 2022 December 2021 May 2021 February 2021 November 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 May 2019 March 2019 January 2019 November 2018 March 2018 January 2018 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What prophet was taken up to heaven in a chariot of fire?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Elijah Isaiah Elisha Jeremiah

Support this
Column