Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Progressive Christian
Mom… Don’t Miss Your Daughter’s Wedding.

Mom… Don’t Miss Your Daughter’s Wedding.

Last updated on: April 22, 2014 at 9:21 am by Susan Cottrell

Mom… Don’t Miss Your Daughter’s Wedding. 2014-04-22T09:21:45-05:00 Susan Cottrell

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

ellen_portia5

Close your eyes and picture your daughter’s wedding day… it is a day she will never forget. Now imagine you not there, not part of it, not part of the ceremony, not part of the photographs, not part of the celebration. She won’t forget that either. You missed it.

So, will you go to your daughter’s wedding if she is a lesbian? Here’s an email from a mom about this…

Question: I am struggling with an issue with my gay daughter. She came out at 18 (Now 27) and left the house and we were all devastated, but God spoke to my heart and showed me I have to love my daughter unconditionally, which I do and I accept her and her significant others in my home. Now she has met the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with and is planning a wedding in September. I always told her I would be there for her but I could never attend her wedding as I stand with God and His word that it is a Holy Matrimony between a man and woman and is an abomination to Him, and IF I am there then I am in agreement with this “union.” I have fasted and I have prayed still listening and waiting for God to show me what I should do, still I hear nothing but love her unconditionally. I have missed her choosing her dress and I cry all the time knowing I can’t be there, My HEART is so TORN…. can you shed any light on this, as I search through the internet trying to find similar stories, I feel alone. Thank you. Cynthia*

And here is my response to her…

I’m glad you wrote, Cynthia. I won’t tell you what to do. But if I were in your place, wild horses couldn’t keep me from that wedding! Your refusal will only hurt you both and further distance your relationship. It won’t make her straight, and it won’t stop her wedding.

I understand your beliefs about God’s word, but you must hear me that this has been badly misinterpreted. Please read the resources on my resources page for some wonderful insight. It will be quite illuminating.

But let’s go back to this very important part you said, that God is telling you to love her unconditionally. That’s vital! To pray for specific leading from the one who will lead you in all truth is the most important thing you can do.

And God answered you by saying to love unconditionally! Huge. That means without condition. No asterisks, no exceptions. I’m so glad to hear you’re praying and God is answering. And he did not say don’t go to her wedding.

But here’s the thing: the church has taught so much fear around this issue that honest seekers such as you are afraid to go to your own child’s wedding. What a tragedy!

I know this is very, very hard for you — because of the fear. But I entreat you not to be afraid of the direction God is leading you. You already asked. If God meant no, wouldn’t he have said no?

Not to attend her wedding is conditional. Other people have other conditions: they won’t attend a wedding of someone who’s been divorced, someone who will serve alcohol at the reception, someone who’s not a virgin, someone marrying a non-Christian, or someone of a different denomination. Those are all conditions. They may seem extremely clear in your own mind, but they’re still conditions… and God told you to love her unconditionally. 🙂

What if we just surrendered our knee-jerk reaction to gay marriage and simply embraced it? What if we just let it be, and moved on to loving? Period. It couldn’t be worse than it is right now, where people are condemning and even physically attacking LGBTQ people in God’s name. For heaven’s sake.

As I said, wild horses would not keep me from my son or daughter’s wedding.

If you are unsure about attending the wedding, what alternative would you offer her? Marry someone of opposite gender that she is not attracted to? People have tried that and it ends in destruction. It requires denying who they are, and suffering the rest of their life… or owning up to it later and getting divorced in the end, which is not fair to her and certainly not fair to the man who’d get looped into this.

Would you suggest lifelong celibacy? Well that’s a fine thing to suggest for someone else. It’s a heckuva requirement to place on someone else, to make you more comfortable! You see what I mean? God calls some people to live celibate, but you can’t put that on someone. It’s always between that person and God – no one else gets to decide. And it’s a calling, not a default.

Or would you suggest some kind of reorientation? Well, that’s what countless people have tried with devastating results. Such deadly results that the biggest proponent of “reorientation” therapy shut its doors in 2013, admitting it doesn’t work.

Or would you settle on your daughter having her wedding to the woman she wants to marry, but she’ll have to do it without you? One of the most important days of her life, a day she will remember forever — including remembering whether or not you were there and maybe explaining to her children why Grandma is not in the wedding photos? I guess of all those options, that’s the least terrible. At least she will move forward with the life that’s right for her, better than the other options.

But, you do have one more choice: Let her marry the love of her life, and YOU stand beside her, shop with her for her outfit, throw her a party, meet her friends, and sit in the chair that is reserved for you, only you, at the ceremony! Let them see the awesome mom who produced this beautiful daughter — who is strong enough to follow her heart. Let them all see that Jesus is the love He offers in the Bible… even to those the religious people would spurn! (Exactly the way we see Him doing that in the Bible.)

Here’s what you can say to God. “God, I prayed for you to change her, and you didn’t. I prayed to know how to treat her, and you said to love her unconditionally. The way I see unconditional, it means without condition. 🙂 So… I’m going to her wedding. I see Jesus loving, embracing, celebrating, and that’s what I want to do. I see religious leaders condemning and judging and excluding — and Jesus scolding them for it. My only real choice is to imitate Jesus, not imitate the religious, judgmental people he corrected. I’m going to celebrate this milestone in the life of my beautiful child You gave me! Thank you for the most wonderful daughter in the world, someone you love exactly as she is. You aren’t changing her (despite my many heartfelt prayers), so… I need to stop trying, too! My revised prayer is that you reshape my heart to be in line with yours.”

Trust God. He loves her and He loves you. You prayed and He answered. Love her unconditionally. Period.

Your place in your daughter’s wedding day was reserved exclusively for you on the day she was born.

Don’t miss it.

Love, Susan

Family Support

Gay Weddings & Marriage

christian parents gay child

christian parents of gay children

christians with gay children

ellen degeneres mom

ellen degeneres wedding

gay christian charity

gay christian community

homosexuality and sin

homosexuality and the bible

homosexuality and the church

how to respond to a gay child

parent of a gay child

parents of gay children

parents of gay kids

Susan Cottrell

to christian parents of gay children

what do you do when your son is gay

what to do if your son is gay

what to do when your son is gay

when your family rejects you

Previous Post

April 21, 2014

Will You Go to Your Gay Child’s Wedding?

Next Post

April 23, 2014 Reasons to Attend a Gay Loved One's Wedding

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Church & Religion Dear Susan Family Support Gay Weddings & Marriage GCN Conference Jesus Blog LGBTQ Support Parenting Personal Stories Suicide The Real Jesus Theology Transgender Uncategorized X Archived Posts

Select a Month August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 January 2025 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 June 2022 December 2021 May 2021 February 2021 November 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 May 2019 March 2019 January 2019 November 2018 March 2018 January 2018 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Where was Paul headed when he encountered the risen Christ?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Jerusalem Rome Damascus Antioch

Support this
Column