{"id":24504,"date":"2024-05-09T22:25:09","date_gmt":"2024-05-09T16:25:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/fivefoldlaw\/?p=24504"},"modified":"2024-07-13T04:30:48","modified_gmt":"2024-07-12T22:30:48","slug":"frankly-my-dude-youre-a-missing-stair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/fivefoldlaw\/2024\/05\/09\/frankly-my-dude-youre-a-missing-stair\/","title":{"rendered":"Frankly, My Dude, You’re Missing a Stair"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
\u201cI ran into Frank last night,\u201d one of my employees<\/a> recounted. \u201cHe wanted to know who was working this morning, so I told him you were, and he said he\u2019d wait to come in until someone else was on duty.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy is that?\u201d I asked, although I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe doesn\u2019t like you,\u201d my employee replied sheepishly, confirming my suspicions. \u201cHe said you\u2019re aloof and unfriendly.\u201d<\/p>\n
I am not, as Frank alleges, aloof and unfriendly: In fact, I am genial to a fault, and I offer Frank the same level of quality customer service that every visitor to the spicy shop<\/a> receives. But there\u2019s a game Frank likes to play, and every time he tries to draw me into it, I politely refuse to engage, which frustrates him to no end.<\/p>\n
The world according to Frank, which will make horrifying sense as the story progresses. (Image courtesy of Dean Lewis<\/a>.)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
You see, Frank, is\u2026 endowed. Monstrously so. And Frank has made this his entire personality. Which has led to a series of repeat performances of the following interaction:<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, Frank. What can I help you find today?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I\u2019m just looking for [insert article of clothing, accessory, or personal amusement device here]<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGreat! We have a wide variety.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I am WAY too big to fit into any of these.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe also carry an excellent selection of products for\u2026 gifted gentlemen such as yourself. If you\u2019ll follow me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNope. These are all too small. I\u2019m REALLY big.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, those are the largest in stock, but if you have something specific in mind, I\u2019d be happy to place a special order.\u201d<\/p>\n
[grinning]<\/em> \u201cWhy don\u2019t I just show you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, I actually don\u2019t need to see it.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that right there is why Frank doesn\u2019t like me. I won\u2019t let him release the kraken<\/a> in the middle of the sales floor, and that makes Frank surly.<\/p>\n
Not that I\u2019m averse to full frontals in the store, mind you. It comes with the job \u2014 honestly, the only people who see more no-no zones on a daily basis than I do are urologists. But there\u2019s also a big difference between \u201cDo these lacy unmentionables fit correctly?\u201d and \u201cBEHOLD HOW THE GODS HAVE BLESSED ME.\u201d<\/p>\n
This is how it feels when Frank starts browsing. (Image courtesy of Dean Lewis<\/a>.)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n*
**
The latter being the sole reason Frank comes in at all: His admeasurement is his only source of validation, and he\u2019s found an environment in which he feels like he can demand that validation without repercussion.<\/p>\n
**
*Up until recently, my employees were fairly accommodating of Frank, although I strongly encouraged them not to be. Because Frank is on the cusp of becoming a missing stair, and I am committed to preventing that.<\/p>\n
The metaphor of the missing stair was originally coined by blogger Cliff Jerrison<\/a> as a way to describe problematic or predatory individuals within a subculture, around whom everyone else has learned to cautiously navigate. Those individuals are akin to home maintenance issues that residents are aware of but haven\u2019t gotten around to fixing. Like, if you ever watched 2 Broke Girls<\/em><\/a>, remember that time Max\u2019s boyfriend injured himself on a nail sticking out of a floorboard, and Caroline was like, \u201cOh, no, he stepped on Nail Patrick Harris\u201d? That was a literal example of a missing stair.<\/p>\n
Douglas<\/a> and I attended this Pagan campout one time, and shortly after we arrived on site, a random guy came over, introduced himself, pulled Douglas into a smothering embrace (\u201cI\u2019m a hugger, c\u2019mere\u2026\u201d) then attempted to make out with him. Douglas understandably stepped back, and the guy was like, \u201cNow now, we\u2019re all Pagan here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Douglas managed to successfully avoid the mouth invasion, but while I was confident in Douglas\u2019 ability to maintain his boundaries, the situation was more than a little infuriating to me. Especially when some of the other campers were like, \u201cOh, yeah, that\u2019s just how Brendon is. You\u2019ll be fine as long as you don\u2019t stand too close.\u201d<\/p>\n
It never occurred to anyone to pull Brendon aside and be like, \u201cStop trying to smooch strangers against their will.\u201d Or, even better, \u201cBrendon, we can no longer tolerate<\/a> your behavior. Please leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
That would be awesome. But until it happens, Brendon is a missing stair. And one of these days, someone is going to fall right through him.<\/p>\n
Oh, look. Brendon found Frank\u2019s Grindr profile. (Image courtesy of Dean Lewis<\/a>.)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n*
**
That acknowledged, judged, and released, I am relieved to report that my employees have finally started setting their own boundaries with our local structural defect. The last time Frank came by the store (when I wasn\u2019t there, natch), he found a new product that he wanted to try on, and the staff members on duty \u2014 who, at this point, had been exposed to Frank\u2019s bounty any number of times \u2014 were immediately like, \u201cHey, that\u2019s not wide enough for you. Please don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
**
Now, I don\u2019t know if Frank legitimately thought the product was<\/em> wide enough, or if he just wanted to exploit another opportunity to whip out his junk in a semi-public space. But either way, he failed to heed the warnings, and as a result\u2026 Frank got stuck. Just good and wedged in there.<\/p>\n
**
I will spare you the grisly details, but it took the efforts of two people working in tandem to set him free. Bolt cutters may or may not have been involved. There was bruising and possible tissue damage, and the emotional trauma rivaled the physical.<\/p>\n
**
*We haven\u2019t seen Frank since that incident, but we all expect him to return sooner than later, undoubtedly to show everyone how the healing process is coming along. And when he reaches for his fly, I cannot wait to hear my employees say, \u201cYou know, Frank, we appreciate your business, but we actually don\u2019t need to see it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Like what you\u2019ve read? You ca<\/em><\/span>n<\/span> buy me a coffee<\/a><\/span> about it. (CashApp<\/a><\/span> and Venmo<\/span><\/a> are always options as well.)<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/h3>\nOh, more discord, you say? But of course! Follow Thumper Forge on Amazon<\/a><\/span>, Bluesky<\/a><\/span>, <\/span><\/em><\/span>Etsy<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/span><\/a>, <\/em><\/span>Facebook<\/a><\/span><\/em><\/span>, <\/span><\/em><\/span>Instagram<\/a><\/span><\/em><\/span>, <\/span><\/em><\/span>Mastodon<\/a><\/em><\/span>, Threads<\/a><\/span>, and <\/span><\/em><\/span>TikTok<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/em><\/span>.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n*The exit is right through the gift shop<\/a><\/span>.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"*******
**
*******There’s a big difference between “Do these lacy unmentionables fit correctly?” and “BEHOLD HOW THE GODS HAVE BLESSED ME.” The latter being a problem that requires an immediate fix.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4491,"featured_media":25298,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[353],"tags":[7100,7097,7088,1376,7094,7091],"class_list":["post-24504","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender-and-sexual-minorities","tag-2-broke-girls","tag-cliff-jerrison","tag-dean-lewis","tag-douglas","tag-missing-stair","tag-spicy-shop"],"yoast_head":"\nFrankly, My Dude, You're Missing a Stair<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There's a big difference between "Do these lacy unmentionables fit correctly?" and "BEHOLD HOW THE GODS HAVE BLESSED ME." 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