Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Pagan
All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Baywatch

All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Baywatch

Last updated on: May 29, 2022 at 12:59 am by Thumper Forge

All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Baywatch 2022-05-29T00:59:40+06:00 Thumper Forge

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

“I hung up on him — or rather pushed the little button on my cordless receiver — banishing him from my life with a single petty, melodramatic act. Almost instantly I burst into tears, crumbling into a lump on the floor. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, until my eyes were an angry red mess. When it became perfectly clear he wasn’t calling back, I pulled myself together and marched into the kitchen to boil some eggs.” –Cadence Roth

Hear me out on this one. It’s deeper than you’d think. (Image via Pixabay.)

For those who weren’t around at the time, Baywatch was an action/adventure primetime drama that aired from 1989 to 2001. At one point it was the most watched show in network television history, with more than one billion viewers worldwide. The plot centered around Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon, played by David Hasselhoff, leading a team of highly-trained, unspeakably hot lifeguards who spent most of their workdays running in slow-motion and having windswept hair.

I tuned in every week. Religiously.

In the third season finale, Australian lifeguard Wiley Brown transferred to Mitch’s station on an exchange program and set about winning everyone over with his charm and daredevil attitude, all while attempting to creatively murder Mitch. As it turned out, many years prior, Mitch had rescued Wiley’s wife Sheila during a windsurfing accident, but as he was pulling her to shore, he bumped into a piling and knocked himself out, thus allowing Sheila to drown.

There were a couple of big takeaways from this episode, the first being that I would never, ever be heterosexual. But, more importantly, it was revealed that a lifeguard should always put a given victim between themself and any obstacle they encounter in the ocean. If the victim gets banged up, they can still recover. But if the lifeguard gets injured, the chances of survival drop dramatically for both of them.

Note how Nerites has positioned himself behind Poseidon so as not to take the brunt of any potential dangers. (Image via Pixabay.)

Even though I watched this episode as a teenager — and even though the message was analogous to putting on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else with theirs — the inherent lesson didn’t really hit me until I was in my early 40s. Prior to then, I’d kind of made it my mission in life to Save Everyone, while putting little to no effort into my own well-being: Lots of lugging around other people’s emotional baggage so that I wouldn’t have to unpack my own.

Kicking alcohol helped with this, but in early sobriety I was pretty bad about taking on responsibilities at the expense of self-care, and accepting any request for assistance as reasonable, whether or not it actually was. So I was participating in multiple organizations and running two covens and acting as pro bono therapist for numerous friends, and since so many people were depending on me, I was reluctant to reach out when I needed to lean on somebody.

Eventually, I had to learn how to channel Big Lifeguard Energy and set some boundaries. If I was at a social function, say, and an anxiety attack was about to hit, I would simply leave. I would do my best to tell someone what was going on, just so that no one would worry, but if they were like, “Oh, you’ll be fine, stay five more minutes,” I would be like, “Nope, see ya,” and bail. And if they got butthurt about it, that was their problem — I could deal with it when I was in a better mindset.

“I understand that you’re disgruntled, but you are the least of my concerns right now.” (Image via Pixabay.)

Yesterday was rough. Nothing resolutely dire happened, but some stuff didn’t work out the way I hoped it would, and I experienced a loss. But I was also at work, so I had to rely on the old recovery trick of the Next Right Thing to move forward, which basically resulted in another conversation with myself:

Are you okay?

“I’m not sure.”

Do you need to cry it out?

“I don’t think so, no.”

What do you need to do?

“… Finish putting out the rest of the Nasty Pig swimwear?”

Then that’s the Next Right Thing. Let’s do that.

So that’s what I did. And orienting myself on the Next Right Thing kept me in one piece.

Navigating choppy waters with guidance from Higher Powers. (Image via Pixabay.)

And then the text messages started.

I feel like it’s safe to assume that we all have that one friend we only hear from when they’re in crisis, and mine coincidentally chose to reach out while I was having a crisis of my own.

The conversation did not go well. He was looking for someone to commiserate and confirm that the world was out to get him, and I really wasn’t in a place to do that. I finally just had to step away from my phone for a bit — mainly because I was still at work — but my lack of response triggered another round of texts, since silence on my part clearly indicated that I was Not On His Side.

So I told him what was going on with me, and I explained that I needed to focus on that. And his reply (“Well, at least that’s not as bad as what I’m going through.”) was all the encouragement I needed to put him between myself and the piling.

I will probably check in on him at some point, but it won’t be a priority until I’m feeling better. Because I won’t be any good to him or anyone else until I’m good. Which means a strict regimen of comfort foods and true-crime documentaries for the next few days, but hey, whatever it takes, y’know?

Sea-renity. (Image via Pixabay.)

Just like I wouldn’t walk into a ritual if I wasn’t feeling 100% good to go, I’m not going to push myself too hard right now. But I will be back to splashing about in the brine before I know it.

And if you’re not feeling in top form, or you’re struggling with outside demands on your time, I promise it’s okay to take a break and pay attention to yourself for awhile. There are plenty of life preservers to go around until we’re officially back on duty.

*Like what you’ve read? You ca**n buy me a coffee about it.*

Oh, more discord, you say? But of course! Follow Fivefold Law on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Zazzle.

About Thumper

Thumper Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, an Episkopos of the Dorothy Clutterbuck Memorial Cabal of Laverna Discordian, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public from Houston, TX. You can read more about the author here.

Previous Post

May 18, 2022

How to Rile Up a River Spirit

Next Post

May 31, 2022 Scarlet Chaos

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 12-Step Recovery Chaos Magic Discordianism Divination Gender and Sexual Minorities Greek Mythology Neurodiversity Pagan Saints Uncategorized Wicca Witch This Not That Witchcraft

Select a Month September 2026 May 2026 April 2026 February 2026 January 2026 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 May 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 November 2024 October 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does God question Job about, showing His wisdom in creation?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Battles Religious rituals Kingdoms Animals and nature