{"id":935,"date":"2024-04-27T22:50:36","date_gmt":"2024-04-28T02:50:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithandcriticalthinking\/?p=935"},"modified":"2024-05-03T18:00:26","modified_gmt":"2024-05-03T22:00:26","slug":"good-girls-marry-nice-guys-and-other-lies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/faithandcriticalthinking\/2024\/04\/good-girls-marry-nice-guys-and-other-lies\/","title":{"rendered":"Good girls marry nice guys and other lies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Photo by Jeremy Wong Weddings on Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

Myth 1: Good girls marry nice guys<\/strong><\/h2>\n Good girls sometimes marry nice guys, but there are no guarantees. The assumption that being a \u201cgoody two shoes\u201d guarantees marriage to a good spouse is just that \u2013 an assumption. Unfortunately, many \u201cgood\u201d girls thought they were marrying \u201cgodly\u201d men, only to end up in abusive relationships. Being a good person or \u201cspiritually mature Christian\u201d does not guarantee that you will have a good marriage \u2013 or any marriage at all. God owes you nothing, least of all a life partner. Yes, there are good Christian women out there who \u201c won the husband lottery\u201d, but many have a different story to tell.<\/p>\n Myth 2: Good girls wait for men to make the first move <\/strong><\/h2>\n Growing up, I was indoctrinated with various notions of what it meant to be a \u201cgodly\u201d woman, including the general sentiment that, when it comes to dating, good girls don\u2019t \u201cmake the first move\u201d, they should \u201callow men to do the chasing\u201d, and so on and so forth. In fact, the pastor of a church I once attended said that once you\u2019ve received the \u201crevelation\u201d regarding who your life partner is going to be, you shouldn\u2019t do anything to \u201cengineer\u201d it, so you can truly say it was God who brought you together! (This advice was given to both men and women, by the way. Talk about \u201cover-spiritualization,\u201d but that\u2019s a topic for another discussion).<\/p>\n I have previously written essays on how what is often presented as \u201cbiblical\u201d womanhood is not biblical. In the first essay<\/a>, I addressed the misconceptions related to the idea of the \u201cProverbs 31 woman\u201d, including the fact that the word \u201cvirtuous\u201d used in this passage is actually a mistranslation, and the original word has more to do with valor than chastity. The second essay<\/a> addresses the misconception of women being created to be men\u2019s helpers. Again, there is a mistranslation \u2013 the word translated as \u201chelper\u201d or \u201chelpmeet\u201d does not have the connotation of someone who is weaker or in any way inferior. In fact, it is the same word that is frequently used when the scriptures refer to God as our Helper!<\/p>\n Reexamining biblical womanhood through the story of Ruth <\/strong><\/h2>\n****** ** ******The Proverbs 31 woman did not actually exist, and we have limited information about Eve (Adam\u2019s \u201chelper\u201d), so let\u2019s examine Ruth, who had a whole book in the Bible named after her. She is extolled for her virtue and faithfulness, and for returning to Israel from her native Moab with her mother-in-law, after her husband had died. On getting to Israel, her mother-in-law knew she needed a husband and told her exactly what to do:<\/p>\n One day Ruth\u2019s mother-in-law Naomi\u00a0said to her, \u201cMy daughter, I must find a home[a<\/a>]<\/sup>\u00a0for you, where you will be well provided for.<\/span>\u00a02\u00a0<\/sup>Now Boaz, with whose women you have worked, is a relative\u00a0of ours. Tonight he will be winnowing barley on the threshing floor.<\/span>\u00a03\u00a0<\/sup>Wash,\u00a0put on perfume,\u00a0and get dressed in your best clothes.\u00a0Then go down to the threshing floor, but don\u2019t let him know you are there until he has finished eating and drinking.<\/span>\u00a04\u00a0<\/sup>When he lies down, note the place where he is lying. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n Ruth 3: 1-4 (NIV)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Wow! Really?! How was that even possible or acceptable? But it worked!<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em>Ruth went after Boaz and got herself a husband. Yet, in the 21st<\/sup> century women are still made to believe that there is something wrong with making the first move. Well, given what Ruth did (way back then), maybe waiting for men to always make the first move is more of a societal expectation than anything else.<\/p>\n The irony is that Ruth is often upheld as a virtuous, godly woman, and one whom Christian women should emulate. In praising her, you don\u2019t generally hear people questioning her approach to getting a husband. In this day and age, what Ruth did would be condemned by the very people who say she is worthy of emulation. My intent is not to criticize or condemn Ruth for her actions, but rather to point out the inconsistencies in teachings that many women (including myself) have been exposed to. Ruth was a great role model in many ways, but her story is evidence that there is nothing wrong with a woman making the first move. If Ruth could do what she did at a time when women had limited rights, it seems ludicrous to tell a woman today that she has to wait for a man to \u201cmake the first move.\u201d \u00a0This brings me to the next point, what qualifies as a \u201cmove,\u201d in the first place?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n I was once reprimanded for smiling (too much) at a guy<\/strong><\/h2>\n******** ** In my late teens, I was once \u201creprimanded\u201d for smiling too much at a guy. For context, I barely knew the guy. It was only my second time meeting him, and I had first met him right after a major exam. I\u2019ll call him Mike. (To be honest, I don\u2019t even remember his real name). When I saw Mike the second time, I was so pleased to announce that I had passed the exam- because that had been the major topic of our discussion when we first met. The possibility of any romantic interest didn\u2019t cross my mind. I was smiling because I was bearing good news. Another friend who was with me when I bumped into Mike the second time and didn\u2019t know him, later chided me for smiling that way, because \u201cwhen you smile at a guy like that, he\u2019ll think you\u2019re interested in him.\u201d<\/em> (Sigh).<\/p>\n ** Myth 3: God will bring the \u201cright person\u201d into your life at the right time if you just keep being faithful. You won\u2019t have to do anything. <\/strong><\/h2>\n ** \u00a0<\/p>\n ** \u201cJust keep serving the Lord, and marriage will happen when it\u2019s meant to.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n ** Such words of advice are commonly given to single women by others who mean well.<\/p>\n ** Some have even been told that the reason they are not married yet is that God is \u201cpreparing\u201d them for marriage or \u201cperfecting\u201d them, as if marriage is a reward for being spiritually mature or reserved for those who have been \u201cspiritually perfected.\u201d<\/p>\n ** Since the story of Ruth referenced above is from the Old Testament, let\u2019s look at examples from the New Testament. Mary and Martha, the sisters of Lazarus whom Jesus raised from the dead, were not married, as far as we can tell. If Jesus didn\u2019t find husbands for Mary and Martha who were among his faithful followers when he was physically on earth, why would anyone living in this day and age expect God to miraculously find them a spouse without any effort on their part?<\/p>\n * If in the 21st<\/sup> century, when you can fly across the world in a matter of hours, and you have access to social media and the internet, you somehow think God is going to magically find you a spouse because you have been so faithful, please think again. (I know there are people who have stories of spouses literally \u201cdropping into their laps,\u201d but for most people, some effort is required).<\/p>\n * Myth 4: \u201cThe marriage was God\u2019s will, but the devil was responsible for the divorce\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n * The decision to get married and who you get married to is your choice to make \u2013 not God\u2019s \u2013 as many of us were previously indoctrinated to believe.<\/p>\n * The irony of attributing the choice to God is that who gets blamed when divorce happens? Typically, it\u2019s either the other spouse or the devil. I realize that some divorces are the result of the actions of abusive spouses, but I don\u2019t believe in blaming God \u2013 or the devil for the outcomes of decisions we have made. Life happens. \u201cHappily ever after\u201d may be in heaven, but for now, we have to live with earthly realities and accept responsibility for our choices. And yes, good girls can<\/em> marry nice guys, but that is not promised.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" * *************Myth 1: Good girls marry nice guys Good girls sometimes marry nice guys, but there are no guarantees. The assumption that being a \u201cgoody two shoes\u201d guarantees marriage to a good spouse is just that \u2013 an assumption. Unfortunately, many \u201cgood\u201d girls thought they were marrying \u201cgodly\u201d men, only to end up in abusive relationships. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5085,"featured_media":947,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[342,437,449,345,434,443],"class_list":["post-935","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-christian-singles","tag-courtship","tag-dating","tag-feminism","tag-marriage","tag-ruth"],"yoast_head":"\nGood girls marry nice guys and other lies Good girls marry nice guys and other lies<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Myth 1: Good girls marry nice guys Good girls sometimes marry nice guys, but there are no guarantees. The assumption that being a \u201cgoody two shoes\u201d \u201cHappily ever after\u201d may be in heaven, but for now, we have to live with earthly realities and accept responsibility for our choices. 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