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Women’s Movement? I Wanted Him to Lead But Wouldn’t Let Him

Women’s Movement? I Wanted Him to Lead But Wouldn’t Let Him

Last updated on: September 4, 2026 at 4:16 pm by Teresa Devine

Women’s Movement? I Wanted Him to Lead But Wouldn’t Let Him 2026-09-04T16:16:16-04:00 Teresa Devine

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What did the women’s movement teach us about God’s design? | Image created in ChatGPT by the author.

I grew up believing in the women’s movement and that a woman shouldn’t rely on a man. Many years later, I wondered if some of what I learned about independence made marriage harder than God intended.

Ironically, as the women’s movement challenged genuine inequalities in the 60’s, decades later, I began challenging whether my life was better as a woman because of it.

The topic of the women’s movement has been on my mind for a while. Admittedly, the passing of feminist figure Gloria Steinem brought sharing my thoughts to the forefront.

Steinem became one of the most recognizable voices of the modern women’s movement. Her generation confronted injustices women faced in education, employment, finances, and society. The progress women like me have made is partly because of the women who fought against those limitations.

I am grateful for many of those opportunities.

But at this stage of my life, I’m also willing to ask questions my younger self wouldn’t have known to ask.

Not simply: What did the women’s movement accomplish?

But: Were all the beliefs my generation absorbed about womanhood, independence, marriage, and success consistent with God’s design?

That’s a different question.

And for me, it’s deeply personal.

I Learned That a Woman Should Be Independent

I started my professional career in the late 1990’s. By then, the message to young women was unmistakable:

Get your education.

Build a career.

Be financially independent.

Don’t rely on a man.

My parents divorced, which undoubtedly affected how deeply that message resonated with me. Independence didn’t merely sound empowering.

It sounded safe.

In the beginning, my husband and I worked together as a team, but I eventually left our company to pursue a career in technology. I discovered I was good at it. I grew as a leader and as a person. Eventually, that path led me into executive leadership and ultimately to the CIO office.

Truly, I don’t regret discovering and developing those God-given abilities.

But somewhere along the way, something else happened.

Achievement became increasingly important to me. Performance moved higher and higher on my list of priorities. Without realizing it, I began bringing some of the same characteristics that helped me succeed professionally into my marriage.

Drive.

Control.

Autonomy.

Ambition.

None of those characteristics are inherently sinful. But improperly ordered, even a strength can become destructive.

My performance had moved ahead of my marriage.

More importantly, it had moved ahead of God.

“I Want Him to lead, but I Won’t let Him”

Confused by my internal friction, I would awkwardly say to my female friends:

“I want my husband to take charge and lead, but I won’t let him.”

They nodded and laughed as they understood immediately. Some admitted to doing the same.

I don’t find it funny anymore. Our roles seemed out of place, but I didn’t know why.

It exposed a contradiction I couldn’t yet see. I wanted the security of a strong husband (which he has always been), while maintaining enough control to ensure I would never have to depend on him. It also exposed my internal struggle with God. I didn’t let Him lead either.

I wanted partnership, but on terms that protected my independence.

I wanted leadership, provided I retained veto power over the leader.

I wanted oneness without surrendering autonomy.

And increasingly, our marriage felt less like two people building something together and more like two capable people negotiating who gets their way.

Today I wonder how many women carry the same contradiction.

Did We Confuse Equality With Independence?

There’s no debating that women have experienced legitimate discrimination. The women’s movement challenged barriers that limited women’s necessary rights.

The numbers indicate how dramatically women’s lives changed.

Women’s labor-force participation rose from about 38 percent in 1960 to roughly 57 percent today. Females went from earning about 43 percent of bachelor’s degrees around 1970 to earning the majority today. Women entered professions that previous generations often found difficult or impossible to access.

Those are meaningful advances.

Meanwhile, other aspects of American women’s lives changed dramatically. Fertility fell from roughly 3.6 children per woman around 1960 to about 1.6 today. Americans are less likely to marry. Divorce soared during the 1970’s and early 1980’s before falling substantially again.

Furthermore, we should consider this disturbing analysis.

Are Women Happier Today?

Economists studying decades of American happiness data identified what has been called the “paradox of declining female happiness.” The study observed a decline in women’s reported happiness despite significant advancements in their educational, professional, and economic opportunities. Women reported being happier in the 70’s.

That doesn’t prove feminism caused their unhappiness.

It would be irresponsible to claim that. But the paradox makes me curious.

Women gained much of what my generation was taught regarding success. Why didn’t our personal well-being rise alongside it?

Maybe the answer isn’t that the gains were bad.

We should examine what else we came to believe.

Did the women’s movement underestimate the expectations of being a mother, a career professional, and a homemaker?

Maybe Independence Wasn’t the Goal

As a Christian, this is where my questions become theological rather than political.

The Bible doesn’t present radical independence as the standard for either sex.

God created human beings for relationship with Him and with one another.

In Genesis 2:18, God says it is not good for man to be alone and creates a “helper” suitable for him.

That word can make modern women cringe. As a young woman, I would have rejected that word indeed.

But helper doesn’t mean servant, inferior, or employee. The Hebrew word ezer is even used elsewhere in Scripture to describe God as a helper.

God didn’t create Eve beneath Adam.

But He didn’t create Adam and Eve as competitors either.

That distinction changed how I began to understand marriage from God’s viewpoint.

My husband and I are equal in worth before God. We are both intelligent, capable people. We both have gifts, opinions, and responsibilities.

But equality does not require sameness.

And it certainly doesn’t require a power struggle.

Biblical leadership doesn’t give permission for a husband to dominate his wife. Scripture gives husbands an intimidating standard: love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

That’s not dictatorship.

That’s sacrificial leadership.

Likewise, nothing about biblical marriage requires a woman to erase her personality, intelligence, calling, or God-given gifts.

What changed our marriage wasn’t deciding which one of US was more important.

It was deciding Who was most important.

When God Became first

Praise God, He led us to a ministry that taught us His design for marriage.

We began learning and then practicing something different through His Word.

God first.

Marriage second.

Not career first.

Not personal ambition first.

Not husband first.

Not wife first.

Not kids first (if we had them)

God.

The Unimaginable Relationship

As we learned to love each other God’s way and understand our respective responsibilities differently, something remarkable happened.

The power struggles faded.

I learned that allowing my husband to lead didn’t diminish me.

I actually enjoyed it.

He learned that leadership wasn’t about getting his way.

We became teammates again, but stronger.

And somewhere along that journey, we took our marriage to a new level.

A place of unconditional love and grace.

Today, we have an unimaginable marriage for which I am profoundly grateful.

Someone could reasonably say, “But Teresa, perhaps the power struggles and career dominance were the trials God used to produce the marriage you have today.”

Perhaps.

I can’t know the life I didn’t live.

Maybe those troublesome years were precisely the road God used to teach us what we needed to learn.

But I still wonder.

What if I had understood God’s design for marriage before I absorbed the world’s definitions of independence, power, and success?

Would the road have been different?

Are you aligned with God? Take a FREE quiz

What would I tell my younger self?

This may be the most important distinction.

If I could sit across from the twenty-something version of myself today, I wouldn’t tell her, “Don’t pursue a career.”

I wouldn’t tell her not to learn about finances.

I wouldn’t tell her to make herself smaller so a man could feel bigger.

And I certainly wouldn’t tell her that God couldn’t use her leadership abilities.

I’d ask her questions.

What’s the motive in your heart?

Are you trying to prove your worth through work?

Does needing someone frighten you?

Have you confused equality with independence?

Do you believe yielding sometimes makes you weak?

Are you building a marriage or protecting yourself from becoming too dependent on one?

When career, family, marriage, and personal ambition compete for your attention, who will guide your priorities?

And most importantly:

Have you asked God what He says?

What if we were asking the wrong question?

I don’t believe the answer is returning women to an era when legitimate opportunities were denied to them.

Nor do I believe every woman is called to marriage, motherhood, or homemaking. Scripture itself gives us women serving God in different circumstances and capacities.

But I wonder whether our culture exchanged one rigid definition of womanhood for another.

There was a time when a woman’s possibilities could be unnecessarily restricted because she was female.

Today, a highly capable woman can sometimes feel that choosing marriage, motherhood, supporting her husband’s calling, or stepping away from professional advancement means she hasn’t fulfilled her potential.

Is that freedom?

Or have we simply changed which choices receive applause?

I don’t have a statistical chart that can answer that question.

I only have my life.

My career gave me tremendous experiences. It stretched me. It developed abilities I still use today. I’m grateful for it.

But achievement couldn’t give me what I was actually looking for.

Neither could independence.

The great transformation in my marriage didn’t happen when I became more powerful or my husband became less powerful.

It happened when both of us surrendered our power to God – together as one.

That’s worth passing on to the next generation of women.

Not whether feminism was entirely right or entirely wrong.

Not whether women should work or stay at home.

Not whether men or women should hold more power.

But whether the beliefs we inherit from any cultural movement align with the One who created us.

Because the world’s definition of freedom will continue to change.

But God never changes.

Are you aligned with God? Take a FREE quiz

Visit teresadevine.com for her latest Christian spiritual growth books & resources.

Progressive Christian

Family, Parenting and Religion

About Teresa S Devine

Teresa Devine is former Fortune 500 C-Suite executive helping busy Christians become who God intended and pivot to more purposeful living. She is the founder of Teresa Devine Co. and 24/7 Purpose® Academy. Teresa is a Christian author, and 4x certified Christian coach. As a floundering Christian for decades, Teresa searched to fill a spiritual void that only intimacy with God could satisfy. With a heart and passion to help others, she writes captivating novels to inspire transformational growth. Her courses and coaching focus on helping others become the person God intended with clarity of purpose, more passion, and love for others. Teresa has helped numerous people from folks in addiction recovery to Fortune 500 Company Executives gain clarity about God’s purpose, get unstuck and on track towards a life of spiritual growth. Fabric of Faith promotes self-reflection aligned with practical ways to weave Christianity into daily life. With an emphasis on career and the workplace, Teresa brings a unique perspective as a former corporate executive you won’t want to miss. To learn more, visit TeresaDevine.com You can read more about the author here.

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