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I’m pregnant, hiccuping and sputtering through fear.

I’m pregnant, hiccuping and sputtering through fear.

Last updated on: August 18, 2011 at 2:55 pm by Grace Sandra

I’m pregnant, hiccuping and sputtering through fear. 2011-08-18T14:55:16-04:00 Grace Sandra

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Hello Friends! I’m not sure if I’m back to blogging yet, but I’ve got a little something to say today…

To say that I’ve thought A LOT about writing lately is the biggest understatement since someone said Y2K was going to be no big deal at all. Really, it was no deal, let alone a big one.

In random order…

~I want to write like Anne Lamott, but on the other hand I don’t. I want to write like me. I want to want to fill the pages of my book with poetry and deep thoughts like she does, but the truth is y’all *gasp* I don’t like poetry all that much. It’s sort of like science to me, it just takes too doggone long to figure out let alone get interesting.

~I want to have my own voice in writing but I’m not-so-secretly fearful that my own voice isn’t good enough so I’ll need to mimic the writer’s voice of other authors whose voice makes me happy. For example, on any given day I’d trade my right arm to be able to write as intelligently as Rhoda Jantzen, as smoothly as Anne Lammot or as hilariously as Elizabeth Gilbert. I keep reading their books for inspiration and am left puzzled. How in God’s green earth did they manage to weave together the English language so fluidly?

~Some days, I start to edit things I have written and I’m really pleased. Sometimes shocked even. It’s good. Imagine that. On other days, most of the days ending in y, I think, ‘oh Lord God what am I trying to do, I am going to embarrass myself and every other person I know and love.’

~I seek information. A lot. My favorite magazines are not Cosmo, Elle & Marie Claire. They are Writers, Writers Forum, Writers Digest (and Reader’s Digest to boot). Subscriptions, people. I have 8 books about writing, and 4 more about writing in the Memoir genre. I have 4 additional books about getting published. I have 2 books about how to write a proper query letter and 1 book on how to land a literary agent. And, okay fine I’ll admit it, I have one book about how to get an Editor and how to keep said Editor happy.

The problem is, friends…I’m hearing a myriad of voices about what I should do. Everything from how to structure my book, to how to market it, to who I should be writing for. And where there are many counselors one gets very confused. I’m pretty sure that’s a Proverb of some sort. For example, some say the heroine should have death lingering over her (me) throughout the whole book, while others say in memoir those rules don’t apply. Sigh. And on and on. Everyone and their Daddy’s sister’s cousin has differing advice.

~It seems it’d be easier to write a treatise on why breast-feeding is best, and co-sleeping, feeding-on-demand is not. Because, we all know how well THAT would go over. (Hint: It would go over kind of like how Kanye’s antics with Taylor Swift did at the Video Music Awards did). In other words, it WOULDN’T.

(I’m AFRAID people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

~I heard a published author say the other day that she realized she made “some mistakes” in her 500 PAGE manuscript and so SHE SCRAPPED IT. I wanted to cry. I have worked so hard and so long on my piddly 350 pages that idea of scrapping nary the dot of an i makes me sad. I want to scrap nothing. I want my manuscript to be pure, drippy, mold-able gold worth billion and billions of dollars. Give or take.

~ I am fairly nervous about being published, or lack thereof. Most pubbed authors say that is only the beginning of the long, torturous journey before you begin sailing the stormy seas of marketing yourself, book signings where no one shows up, poor sales and the disapoinment you project on to your trusting agents, editors & publishing houses. Again, that’s IF you can get published at all. And that’s IF one can find an agent. And that’s IF I finish a blasted manuscript to send off to an agent. sigh.

~I keep having new memories, y’all. Which is weird. Every time I think I’m done with the “official 1st rough draft,” I remember new things about my childhood that pop into my head and seem important enough to try and squeeze in somewhere. This new memory thing has been happening since Feb. I suppose that’s a good thing, if not a little annoying.

For example, the other day I remembered something that felt like a fun piece of information to fit somewhere: I remembered that when I was a kid playing outside with my friends in my neighborhood that Missy the Comedian (her name in the book) would make me laugh so hard I would get hiccups. The more hiccups I got, the harder I would laugh. Which, would make everyone else laugh. I would laugh so hard, I would fall down to the ground on all fours. Missy the Comedian would then say something like “oh, man, she’s down on all 4’s!” And then my laughing so hard followed by hiccuping followed by getting down on all fours became a ‘thing.’

Now, this isn’t a HUGE piece of my childhood, but it’s significant because being outside with my neighborhood friends is one of the consistencies of my childhood that made my chaotic childhood manageable. Being outside with them, was when I laughed. I survived in part because I laughed. Missy the Comedian was my best good friend and the only other girl on our block of all boys. And she WAS hilarious. Not just to me, but to everyone. So. When I was outside, I was laughing. When I was laughing, I was hiccuping. So then, I need to add this to the book. Well, I’m not even kidding, about every day I remember 3-5 more “little” memories like this that I need to add. So, in essence as long as my brain keeps feeding me memories I will never be done. A good problem, I suppose.

~I worry about finding a publishing house. I am a Christian. I am a Christian Minister. My memoir –as is– is about hope. Certainly, it chronicles the role God & Jesus played in all this. However, I am not deluded enough to think Christian publishing houses like Baker, Zondervan or even my very own InterVarsity Press would publish a memoir like mine. I’m not a crazy liberal y’all, I’m pro-life, I drink very rarely & only swear intermittently yet I don’t think my book is going to line the shelves of Family Christian stores. It’s raw. It’s gritty. It has *gasp* swear words –though they are mostly quotes from things I heard growing up. For example, one chapter is named, “Fuck You, Elbow.” I promise you, this is NOT a work of fiction. I could not have made up the contents of that chapter if I tried. But that was MY life. I grew up with a brother who applied the F-bomb to every line of every day. I can’t leave that out because some folks don’t like the f-bomb. Ya heard?

My point is, like my ethnic heritage, my manuscript is a bit hard to pigeon-hole. I’m afraid I’ll piss off the Christians with it’s rawness while also angering the Atheists with my abounding love and belief in Jesus as my savior, God & leader. Am in a no-win situation? Honestly, I don’t know. For now, I’m just scared.

~Have I mentioned that it’s real? Real as in, shockingly vulnerable. It’s not real for shock value or any other convoluted mis-step but because I have a strong belief we are all sinners, (bad ones) myself included. I guess I’ve never found that I need to hide that. If God is not taken off guard by the ugliness of my heart why the hell should you be? (You shouldn’t). Isn’t the point that Jesus died for (all) MY sins once and for all, and that by putting my faith in his death and resurrection I am FREE from the bondage of sin-slavery of which I am actively trying to pursue?

Well, it may not be the point for you. But that’s the point of my life. In a nut-shell.

~The manuscript has moved beyond “oh-here’s-this-nice-little-goal-I-hope-to-do-someday-maybe-it-will-be-fun-and-exciting.” No, no, no my friends, I AM PREGNANT. I am pregnant with this book, and just like child-birth I cannot become un-pregnant! The book is now my fourth child. (After Ransom, Rhys & CBC the student chapter I built at Western Michigan University). The book is very close to me now. It’s not an option to do anymore. It’s a MUST do. It’s something I work on each day because I HAVE TO. I have to write down thoughts and memories each day or my brain will fill up. If I take a walk sans my ipod, the writing of my book will start automatically downloading into my head and then I rush home and transcribe it quickly before I forget it. So, now it’s a part of my life. It’s like my Edward Cullen, I JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT. I have to see it to the end even if it fails in a big, ball of low-sales, shame and embarrassment. Sigh. Sounds a lot like labor any old way.

~ With every bone in my too-plump body, I DO NOT WANT TO SELF-PUBLISH. That is –like— sooooooooo anti-establishment. And when it comes to promotion, y’all I’m all about the established way of doing things. I read a staggering statistic the other day that every year app. 700,000 books are self-pubbed with only a handful of them achieving any recordable success. And yes, that includes Kindle sales. The point the author was trying to make here is IF YOUR BOOK SUCKS, DON’T SPEND $5,000 TRYING TO SELF-PUB. Except they didn’t use bold and capital letters but that’s how I read it. If my manuscript isn’t good enough to get an agent and a publishing house I need to move on. Bottom line. Not everyone gets to be married to Brad Pitt. As elusive as actually getting published can be, some of us just need to move on. I want to be mature enough to admit I’m not on Brad Pitt’s level, so I am going to move on. To a new manuscript that is. Are ya with me, people? =)

~I am sad that most published memoirs don’t EXCESSIVELY USE CAPS-LOCK, because I REALLY ENJOY using them for EMPHASIS.

So. That’s the deali-o, y’all. I’m just plugging away over here at this pipe dream. 83, 498 words of a dream and many prayers.

I sputter on!

Good to be back, if just for today,

P.S. For those keeping up…

Here’s an update I wrote on facebook on July 25, 2011…

A little update for the inquiring minds who -thankfully- keep asking me this question! I knew if I shouted this project from the rooftops the collective accountability of all my social networking peeps would drive me to take it from a “Someday/Maybe” to an actual published book. So. Please. Keep asking me! =)

Since last February, I have been really plugging away at it. The last few months have been particularly fruitful ~ I CAN FINALLY SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! My final draft copy is due -to me- by December 31, 2011! I’m hoping 2012 is all about shopping publishers, getting the word out & promotion! Also, I have a new book cover to help inspire me to see a completed product:

In May & June I added about 20,000 words! To date I’ve written 77, 639 words. Most memoirs are between 50,000 – 70,000, so I’m golden, baby! While I’m excited about essentially having a ROUGH rough draft, there’s a lot of CUTTING, SCRAPPING & EDITING to do. Too much will be on the cutting room floor. =(

I’ve also started reading books about my next steps…

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Published – By: Jennifer Basye Sander & Sheree Byofsky
Plot & Structure: (Techniques And Exercises For Crafting A Plot That Grips Readers From Start To Finish) – By: James Scott Bell.
How to Write a Great Query Letter: Insider Tips and Techniques for Success by Noah Lukeman (–which is FREE on your Kindle or ipad or iphone)!
The First Five Pages: A Writer’S Guide To Staying Out of the Rejection Pile by Noah Lukeman
How to Land & Keep a Literary Agent – By: Noah Lukeman (Ok, so I really like Noah. He tells it like it is).
On Writing Well – By: William Zinsser
Inventing the Truth: The art and craft of the memoir – Compiled by: William Zinsser
Angela’s Ashes – Frank McCourt’s deeply moving, touching, WONDERFUL, AMAZING memoir. Holy crap. It’s so good y’all.
Fearless Confession: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir – By: Sue William Silverman
Shimmering Images: A Handy Little Guide to Writing Memoir – By: Lisa Dale Norton

I’ve been either reading about writing or actually writing, and either way totally having a blast. It’s been fun, so it’s not been hard to do. I gave up TV & movies, and there you have it. That’s not much sacrifice at all. I try to write or at least 500 words a day. And the hubby & I still watch Smallville together for dates. I’m not completely out of the loop! =)

The biggest news here is that I’m going to shoot for the moon in terms of a big publishing house. I’m not going to self-publish. I guess I can state more reasons about that later.

Our little project is coming along friends! =)

More here…

http://gracebiskie.com/my-book-insiders-view/

Western Michigan University

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