Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Emergent Village

Home
Progressive Christian
Joy in Solemnity

Joy in Solemnity

Last updated on: December 5, 2014 at 10:39 am by Anita Brown

Joy in Solemnity 2014-12-05T10:39:33-06:00 Anita Brown

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

‘I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil’

Wisdom from U2

Yin/Yang
Inhale/ Exhale
Day/Night

Last night my loving husband of 22 years spoke truth to my heart. And it hurt like HELL. But apparently was exactly what I needed to hear from the person who loves me most.

“I don’t understand where this self-loathing comes from. You used to be so confident in your intelligence. I think for some reason, you don’t feel worthy of how very smart you are.”

OUCH!

Tears sprang to my eyes because he had hit the nail on the head. And I actually thought I had made so much progress on my healing path, addressing my abandonment wound over the past two years. A memory of the words that sprang from my heart in meditation shouted “There is no EFFIN path! There is only HERE and NOW. Show up in the way that I have taught you. With compassion and LOVE for yourSELF, without judgment. Period.” Yep...God said “EFFIN”.

Lord knows, I don’t curse.
My children had felt their mother’s sense of unfulfilled, unrealized potential, and the emptiness inside that she occasionally tried to fill with wine, shopping, or gossip. Yet I knew that she hadn’t found the truth that she was looking for. All the while looking for attention in the world– the ego dragging her around with its lame attempts at wholeness and healing. But the ego was disconnected from the True Self. How do I know this? None of it worked!

We much prefer joy over sadness and yet they are inextricably related. I have awoken with anxiety each morning for months now. The challenge for me was to trust that a daily crying/meditation practice was necessary to simply BE ME, the natural one. Then one day in the shower, it hit me– the anxiety is a gift. My body’s natural intelligence was relaying a need to release and connect through centering prayer. I have begun each day in the presence of the LIVING GOD.

I used to stuff the negative emotions down, hoping they would disappear. But energy never just evaporates. It settles into the body and for me manifested as infertility, IBS, depression, PMDD, loss of 4 teeth, and insomnia. But, it can be shifted and transformed, with awareness and mindfulness practices like yoga. I am grateful to share that I have NEVER been healthier and no longer suffer from any of these physical conditions.

I have come to realize that denying my wounds and faults has kept me from being my authentic self; that the quest is full of ‘On my knees in humility’ moments that can turn into days. Just last month I failed my yoga teacher training written exam. Not once, but TWICE!! Staying with the question, not needing an answer just yet, I waited. After a few days I recognized a disconnect:

For 4 years I had put off yoga teacher training out of fear around failing the exam. All my prior scholastic and career successes- 5th in my HS graduating class, finance degree and 12 years in commercial banking had been erased while I stayed home, raising our now teenagers. I didn’t “feel” smart any longer and my mind convinced me I should play very small. Maybe you can relate?

During the training my most frequent prayer had been for God to create in me a humble teacher. How did I think She was going to accomplish this??

Failure
Darkness
Self-loathing
Anxiety

All kindling for the internal fire of transformation. So in the stillness of my practice, I continued to surrender.

The ” I am not good enough” voice in the head is that of a frightened little girl. I acknowledge it simply as resistance to change, a fear of losing my center—— “Authentic competence has arisen” said the deeper, truer voice and so I begin….to dare to be brilliant and wild.

I would like to share this “dark” poem I penned after learning of my failure on 11/1, All Souls Day, after 7 months of hard work and dedication to the practice I love.

Hallowing the Day of the Dead

heart wails
bounce off dingy, urine-scented walls.
spiders scrutinize and hold vigil,
as I lie prone.

bowels twist like fishtail braid.
darkness arriving to shroud and
eclipse my soul.
despair
building
momentum.

resolutely, the will
to feel-
shame mostly, demands
attention.
anger cloaked in blame
masquerading itself
disguised and unrecognizable.

corner of veil lifts.
anarchy commences

malevolent, restless ones threaten insemination.
barrenness echoes a prayer:
“impregnate from the enchanted souls lying beneath the earth!”

YOU, the Christ!
Enter and shed eternal light.
I choose to carry your salvation
In all its Crowning glory.
I choose resurrection and hope.
I choose love.
I choose
LIFE.
MY LIFE

My Truth and Peace lie in the shadows, the interplay between light and dark, joy and solemnity. I heard in my spirt on my mat a few days later, “Meet Grace”. I took that to mean I was being re-birthed with a new name. God sure answers prayers. I think She especially likes to grant the ones that begin with
“Humble Me”.

Anita Grace

Previous Post

December 4, 2014

'Killer Mike' and the Tragedy of Advent

Next Post

December 5, 2014 Advent at the Movies

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Addiction Advent Atheism Authority Bible Cartoons Christian Year Christmas church church planting Civil Rights Community Contemplative Spirituality Culture emerging church Empire Eschatology Evangelism Events Gender Healing Humanism Islam Justice Kingdom Lent Movement Building Multi-Faith Music mysticism New Wave Emergence origins Personal Poetry politics Prayer Preaching Privilege Racism Religious naturalism Resurrection salvation SKEPTIMERGENT Theology Trauma Uncategorized

Select a Month December 2017 November 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which Psalm is an ancient call to worship: "Make a joyful noise to the Lord"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Psalm 100 Psalm 90 Psalm 23 Psalm 117