On Valentine’s Day, Love (Not Romance) is What Matters

Last updated on: February 14, 2014 at 7:33 am by Ellen Painter Dollar

On Valentine’s Day, Love (Not Romance) is What Matters 2014-02-14T07:33:21-05:00 Ellen Painter Dollar

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Our Valentine’s Day celebrations are even more pathetic understated than usual this year. Many years, Daniel and I have purchased a premade four-course Valentine’s Day dinner from a local pasta shop. For about $60 and the minimal labor of assembling the salad and heating up the main course, we can eat a restaurant-quality meal in our own home after the kids have gone to bed. But as we don’t have a functioning kitchen right now, even such minimal kitchen work is daunting. Many years, I also get small Valentine’s gifts for my kids. But between the kitchen renovation, snowstorms, and several looming work deadlines, I haven’t pulled anything together this year. (Last year, I had my act together and not only bought small gifts for the kids, but also wrote about why I did it. For another reflection on why parents celebrate Valentine’s Day with their children, read Alison Hodgson’s article over at Houzz.com.) Valentine’s Day 2014 is likely to be just another regular school day, except that the two younger children will bring home cards and treats from classmates.

I’ll miss even our modest Valentine’s Day celebrations. Next year we’ll do better. But I’m especially aware during this chaotic, cold time in my family’s life, when we are quite obviously yearning for some better future of sun-warmed days and cooking in a bright new kitchen, of what love—real love, everyday love, love in action—looks like.

Love is….

…my husband waking at 5 a.m. to clear our front walk and long driveway of snow and ice before he leaves for work, being especially thorough so that I don’t fall on the ice and get hurt.

…my 14-year-old daughter asking if I want to watch an episode of Sherlock online with her, and leaning her head on my shoulder as we watch, warm under several blankets as the snow swirls outside.

…my 10-year-old daughter telling me before school that she can’t wait to be greeted by her friend Rebecca, who doesn’t speak many words but knows the power of a hug and a shared laugh.

…my 8-year-old son asking permission to make himself a cup of hot cocoa for breakfast using our Keurig coffee machine, then surprising me five minutes later with the cup of coffee he actually made—for me.

Right now, I’m reading Sara Miles’s new book City of God (which I’ll be reviewing for the next print edition of the Englewood Review of Books). Just a few pages in there’s a conversation between Miles and her pastor, about sin, repentance, and forgiveness. Her pastor says that Jesus really doesn’t care about our feelings. What matters isn’t that we feel sorry about our sins. What matters is that we take action to change. That’s true for Jesus and sin and repentance, and I think it’s also true for marital and familial love. For all of our chatter about spouses needing “date nights” to reconnect, our daily actions matter far more than occasional interludes to rekindle romance. What I feel about our family life right now is that I wish it were April, when we can get out of this dark, cramped house and wash dishes somewhere other than the upstairs bathtub. I don’t feel all that loving this Valentine’s Day. I feel sluggish and impatient. But love abounds anyway, in all the ways we continue to put our connections with one another at the top of the priority list, in all the actions we undertake to say to one another, “You matter.”

This Valentine’s Day, an impeccably cleared driveway and front walk greeted me instead of a box of chocolates or plans for a delicious dinner. I can’t think of a better way to mark a holiday that celebrates love.

Previous Post

February 11, 2014

Philip Seymour Hoffman's Death Scares Me for a Different Reason

Next Post

February 17, 2014 Why Do Parents Choose to Screen for Disabilities?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category disability ethics parenthood Uncategorized

Select a Month September 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which mountain did this Abraham's near-sacrifice event occur on?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Mount Sinai Mount Carmel Mount Moriah Mount Ararat