Merciful Romance

Last updated on: May 19, 2018 at 12:23 pm by John Mark N. Reynolds

Merciful Romance 2018-05-19T12:23:43-04:00 John Mark N. Reynolds

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

”She,” a friend noted, “is going out with you out of pity.”

This was fine. I had a chance and I intended to take it. After all, one evening was better than no evenings. One Chinese dinner with Her was better than a can of sardines at home without Her.

Those were the options and pity was fine with me. I was in fact pitiable, having failed my romantic ideals. You can tell a romantic that he should not aspire for absolute romance, but since you are wrong, this will not work. How much should we love? We should love absolutely.

That does not mean we know how. I certainly did not: too much I called love was just desire mixed with selfishness. When you learn the nature of romance, desire changes and finds a subordinate place to love. Selfishness has no place at all.

Only people who need nothing, the strong, scorn pity. Romance hopes for pity, because no man in love assumes he is worthy of the beloved. This is true, even (as was never true of me) when he is superior in most ways to the person he loves.

If you want to love, really love, then failure is obvious. Love fails the moment we turn inward and away from the beloved. Anybody can try to score, but to love and be loved is not a game and as a result cannot be won. A relationship, deep, satisfying, and good knows nothing of equality, because people are no more numbers than relationships are games. The beloved is as she is and that is what I should love if I wish to love her . . .

Love is even more complicated, because the lover must love what the beloved should be and not just what she is. No romantic can say: “I love you just the way you are.” That is the pathway to abuse. Instead, the lover sees what the beloved is becoming and loves that person in process. The lover would never give the lover power to hurt his or her soul by allowing violence.

“No, I love you too much to stay,” she would say if he hit her or was otherwise insufferable. The risk of absolute romance is that it will say goodbye to help the beloved. The foolish false romantic wants the total oneness that destroys the other, the beloved, in what usually amounts to subordination to the stronger personality. If I love what is good in her, beautiful in her, true in her, then my goal is to encourage more.

There is an obvious caution. Loving what should be can be another form of manipulation, a merciless judgmentalism with no room for pity or repentance. This is why the beloved community is necessary. Only two are married, but they must be in a healthy church, social, and family community. My mom has helped me be a better husband by pointing out my controlling nature or where my depression is sending me astray into mere endurance. My pastors have guided us away from all the tricks that less-than-love plays to get the true romantic to turn to something less.

The extended family with the great love there is one check to going wrong. The church with global connections broadens us. Our friends and social networks check anything that is ingrown in either the extended family or the church. If we want love, then we will err, repent, and keep going.

Pity will give us a second chance, just a bit before we earn it. The Father saw the Prodigal a long way off, but Father did not run to the pig stye and short circuit the acts the prodigal had to make that showed repentance. Pity sees sincerity and real change and has mercy.

As for the pity date?

Gentle reader, she married me.

Culture

Previous Post

May 15, 2018

Do Not Be Conformed (Applying MLK Today!)

Next Post

May 17, 2018 Hard to Agree

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Apologetics Art Culture Education On Books On Education Philosophy Politics Pop Culture Spiritual Reflections Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 July 2025 June 2025 September 2024 July 2024 June 2024 December 2023 June 2023 September 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What was the name of Moses' sister?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Rebekah Miriam Deborah Rachel

Books by This Author John Mark Reynolds

See All Titles »