Three Things My Daughters Teach Me

Last updated on: July 25, 2017 at 1:09 am by John Mark N. Reynolds

Three Things My Daughters Teach Me 2017-07-25T01:09:36-04:00 John Mark N. Reynolds

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Babies are born and require everything. You start parenting as both the source of all needs and the servant of the child. Parenthood is a long goodbye: a release of authority and care over time. All babies teach you something, but accidentally. The patience we gained is the result of intent on the part of the infant! Then, you pray, this changes and children begin to teach you. I will never forget when oldest child, Lewis Dayton (LD!), first corrected something I said about his favorite topic spiders.

I had been their teacher, I remained for a time their teacher, but now they were also teaching me. Raising four children that love to read, think, and argue means never being totally right. My daughters, women now, have taught me many things, from Mary Kate’s greater knowledge of poetry and literature (particularly American literature) to Jane’s expertise in film and art. I love to learn from them. A delight of getting older is listening to my children’s adult friends and how very clever they all are!

I am pretty sure, Hope, we were never so literary at parties! We can sit in the corner by the fireplace and listen with satisfaction. Here are three things my daughter have impressed on me.*

No two anybody are alike.

Mary Kate started my learning process by attacking the idea of “young people” think, a generalization about which I was already somewhat skeptical. Jane reminded me, still reminds me, that I must always think human first and daughter second.

When a Dad has daughter, at least if he is from my generation, he is worried. I had no sisters. How does one care for daughters? The answer has generally been: just like one cares for sons! Forget for a moment any ideology, any -ism, people are people first, before they have sex or any other characteristic.

I am thankful that the have fiercely (but kindly) reminded me of what I knew, but needed to practice.

One way to help is not to help.

There is a false and enervating chivalry that says: I must intervene! Nobody should do that to these wonderful women!

If a man is not careful, he will as a result infantilize the women in his life . . . at least in his mind. My girls help me more than I can ever help them. As a grow older, they grow stronger. I must let pain come, not respond even to unjust, caddish, piggish men, unfit to kiss the ground they walk on, because they are perfectly free to ask for help if they need it. They rarely do.

The day is not far away when I will need their help far more than they will need mine!

Manipulation is never love.

I love my girls, my green eyed chum and the little girl who thought I was her dog Fluffy. I love them so much. But love cannot demand fealty or agreement. Love can only love. They do not approve of all I say or do and in the same way sometimes (though rarely!) I cannot give approval to all they say or do. So be it.

Love does not demand agreement. Love does not demand approval. Love does not hold out until approval can be granted. We can disagree, but we are always love. So I learned, very quickly, that to demand something in the name of our jolly relationship is worse than not helpful.

I had authority and now I can only hope they will honor me in their hearts.

Perhaps I should have always knows these things. I suppose if given a quiz, I would have always gotten the correct answer on these topics, but my wise women, my grownup daughters, taught me these things (and so much more!).

Thank you Mary Kate and Jane.

——————–

* In honor of Jane leaving home for marriage to Jacob We Have Loved, but including my green eyed chum Kakie.

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