On Marriage, Three Truths: To Jane on Her Wedding

Last updated on: July 22, 2017 at 11:13 am by John Mark N. Reynolds

On Marriage, Three Truths: To Jane on Her Wedding 2017-07-22T11:13:16-04:00 John Mark N. Reynolds

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Dear Jane,

Today you are getting married, an institution wise people have called the “a high hall of human happiness” and the “bloodless martyrdom.” How can both things be true?

Marriage is one way to happiness.

Happiness, eudaimonia, is flourishing body and soul. Marriage is the union of male and female and so expresses in the oneness the fullness of humanity. Men and women have different voices and in marriage both can and must be heard. In marriage you will always have access to Jacob’s perspective and so gain new insight into what it means to be human.

You will have to think, because marriage demands your best mind. You will have to feel, because marriage is emotionally demanding. Marriage is body and soul, like making music, it takes all of you.

Be happy: a good marriage can help!

Marriage is the bloodless martyrdom.

A martyr dies for a cause greater than self: Socrates, Martin Luther King, Joan of Arc. There is a greatness that comes from this act of love and yet (thank God!) most of us will never be called to die for our community, our beliefs, or our nation. God in His wisdom provided marriage as one way to strip the selfishness from us without the shedding of blood (red martyrdom) and some of the sages called marriage the white martyrdom.

Every day you are married you are both called to place I in subordination to We. This is voluntary, cannot be coerced, and must be the choice of love and not of power. If so, then a beautiful new community is born: family. We lose selfishness and gain love, martyrdom without blood, the voluntary laying down of self not for Jacob, but for the union.

Marriage knows nothing of equality.

We have a legal fiction that all people are equal, because nobody, nobody, should be trusted to base justice on individual characteristics, but of course we are, none of us, the same. We are gloriously, splendidly unique. True justice, deep justice, accounts for our whole life story, our gifts, our limits, our voice.

What cannot be trusted in the state, because it has the sword can be found in a good marriage. Get to know Jacob as he is. Do justice to him as he is. There will be strengths, those are obvious, and some weaknesses. Have mercy where mercy is needed. Treat Jacob like Jacob and do justice with mercy.

This process, however, can only be trusted if we recall that your marriage is based on Christian love and Christian love knows nothing of power. Everything is voluntary, all comes from joyful consent. Marriage is powerful because of this intimacy, but of course in human hands intimacy, vulnerability can be dangerous.

Mom and I fail. We have needed, still need, wise help.

And you will fail, Jacob will fail. Always live with access to wise people outside the family, folk trained in bringing health. Talk to those people periodically, not just when there is a problem. Never be afraid to share with a wise person. Never be afraid to admit that some days the feelings of love are strained. Keep friends, another hall of human happiness, another way to charity, and a life outside of marriage.

Some days you will endure. Some days are normal days where life goes on. Other days, like today, are joyful where we reap the good seeds we have sown. You have been wise, good, and true to Christian values. Carry on, good daughter. Be bold, happy, and full of love. Of course, there is much more to be said, hugs and tears to be shared, but that is not for public posting!

I am proud of you.

Dad

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