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Empowering Ophelia: How to Know You are Dating Hamlet (Hamlet 3/3)

Empowering Ophelia: How to Know You are Dating Hamlet (Hamlet 3/3)

Last updated on: April 27, 2016 at 6:36 pm by John Mark N. Reynolds

Empowering Ophelia: How to Know You are Dating Hamlet (Hamlet 3/3) 2016-04-27T18:36:15-04:00 John Mark N. Reynolds

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Dante_Gabriel_Rossetti_-_Hamlet_and_Ophelia_opt Hamlet is one type of boyfriend to be avoided at all costs. Dads cannot control their daughter’s lives, but if either of my daughters met Hamlet, I would have a strong opinion about the relationship. I sympathize with the poor lad and his horrid family background, but a relationship is not cheap therapy. Does Hamlet have potential? Sure he does and my advice would be that when he finally actualizes that potential he should give one the girls a call.

As he is presented in the play, the morose Hamlet is a relational disaster. Things end badly for Ophelia, and that is predictable. I wish I could say that the problems are all because Hamlet has a murderer for an uncle, a controlling mother, and a bad education. They are not. Ophelia has (somehow) been educated to put up with Hamlet and this is not just because she lived long ago in a Denmark far away.

I have met Ophelia and her sisters and though the ending has yet to be as tragic (thanks be to God!), these women have known unnecessary suffering. Don’t get into an erotic relationship with Hamlet. What are the warning signs? Beyond wearing all black and staring at skulls meditatively? I can think of five.

He is not that into marriage or is off and on about loving you.

Read what Ophelia’s brother says:

Laertes. For Hamlet, and the trifling of his favour,
Hold it a fashion, and a toy in blood;
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent- sweet, not lasting; 490
The perfume and suppliance of a minute;
No more.

When people say this, they are generally right. When a man loves a woman, everyone knows.

He has a bad relationship with his parents . . . really bad and hasn’t dealt with it yet.

Don’t become the substitute for his issues with Mother. Make Hamlet deal with the old Queen without you in the mix or you will discover that someday you are the old Queen. As for the unresolved death of his father, make Hamlet decide his course of action before getting into his life. Of course, most guys are not in so tough a place, but that can make it harder to notice.

Does he hate his parents? He may have good reasons for doing so, but make sure that he is working on those issues and has made great progress or you may find that you are involved with a guy who is unable to love.

He shouts at you and calls you bad names.

The moment Ophelia can report Hamlet has been ‘mad’ and physical with her, it is time to go:

Ophelia. My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,
Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbrac’d, 1035
No hat upon his head, his stockings foul’d,
Ungart’red, and down-gyved to his ankle;
Pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each other,
And with a look so piteous in purport
As if he had been loosed out of hell 1040
To speak of horrors- he comes before me.

Polonius. Mad for thy love?

Ophelia. My lord, I do not know,
But truly I do fear it.

Polonius. What said he?1045

Ophelia. He took me by the wrist and held me hard;
Then goes he to the length of all his arm,
And, with his other hand thus o’er his brow,
He falls to such perusal of my face
As he would draw it. Long stay’d he so. 1050
At last, a little shaking of mine arm,
And thrice his head thus waving up and down,
He rais’d a sigh so piteous and profound
As it did seem to shatter all his bulk
And end his being. That done, he lets me go, 1055
And with his head over his shoulder turn’d
He seem’d to find his way without his eyes,
For out o’ doors he went without their help
And to the last bended their light on me.

Abuse is not love: ever. Even married abuse should lead (at least) to separation and a long time of repentance, healing, and rebuilding of trust. If the relationship is just starting, then flee. Of course, Ophelia is surrounded by fools who refuse to help her and so her case is particularly bad. If your parents are idiots like Polonius, find a teacher, pastor, or friend who is not a fool and can help. Never accept physical or mental abuse as deserved.

He would rather talk about himself and his problems (usually to himself) than about you or you two or any other subject humans have conceived.

Hamlet is a troubled soul and he talks about his troubles . . . a great deal. He talks to himself about his troubles more often than he talks to Ophelia about anything. If that is you, then you are in trouble due to his troubles. Get out.

He is constantly manic or morose.

Again, you might choose to marry someone and they develop mental health issues. That is hard and God can give the grace to keep the vows of marriage, but before dating someone with Hamlet’s personality, count the cost. Ask: “Are these biological issues or is Hamlet a bad person?” Even after determining whether he is ill or wicked (and they are not the same at all), you still must ask: “Can I take it? Do I wish to take it?” You can choose. Do so.

You can love someone and not be the person to marry them.

Hamlet is not really mentally ill (so far as we can tell), but unable to deal with his life in good ways. He is choosing . . . unwisely and Ophelia should leave. There is never a good reason to empower someone’s sin.

Ophelia needs to leave Elsinore, not leave this life. She is one of the sanest people in the play and her death the greatest tragedy. Be strong and leave, Ophelia. Flee.

As for the Hamlets out there: If you recognize yourself in this piece, stop. Think about what you are doing. Get help, but don’t mix romance into the help you need. Stop hurting the people you love to get out of your immediate problems. Don’t kill Ophelia through your abuse.

Really.

—————————————

William Shakespeare went to God four hundred years ago. To recollect his death, I am writing a personal reflection on a few of his plays. The Winter’s Tale started things off, followed by As You Like It. Romeo and Juliet still matter, Lady Macbeth rebukes the lust for power, and Henry V is a hero. Richard II shows us not to presume on the grace of God or rebel against authority too easily. Coriolanus reminds us that our leaders need integrity and humility. Our life can be joyful if we realize that it is, at best, A Comedy of Errors. Hamlet needs to know himself better and talks to himself less. He is stuck with himself so he had better make his peace with God quickly and should stay far away from Ophelia.

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