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Five Horrible Ideas for Thanksgiving Dinner

Five Horrible Ideas for Thanksgiving Dinner

Last updated on: November 22, 2015 at 12:56 pm by John Mark N. Reynolds

Five Horrible Ideas for Thanksgiving Dinner 2015-11-22T12:56:19-04:00 John Mark N. Reynolds

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I count my blessings.

Times are bad as times often are, yet in the week ahead we will pause in our work and give thanks. Those Americans who can will feast together to celebrate the good things God has given us. Glory to God for all things!

Yet for every Rockwell Thanksgiving, every plan that goes well, there will be errors. Mistakes will be made. Those mistakes might be your mistakes and so as an act of public service, I shall “get real” (as the kids probably don’t say) and share mistakes that have been made.

Did I make these mistakes? Maybe. Maybe. Does it matter? Isn’t it best to learn and not have to assign blame?

Do not attempt to carve the turkey with a dull knife. (Corollary: Do not wait for Thanksgiving to first use an electric knife.)

As the blade slides across the crispy surface of the turkey, it might find you. Press harder and the turkey will not come off the bird in Better Homes and Gardens slices, but in pieces that look like they have been recovered from the prey of a feral John Madden.

If you do not know how to use an electric knife, do not use an electric knife. Despite the horror movie appearance of the electric knife, the blades will not cut through the turkey bone. They will slip across it. This might hurt.

You will then be tempted to eat the meat.

Do not ruin a beautiful table by picking at the food before time to eat.

Yes. The turkey will be better piping hot. Yes. It would be better now than it will be later, but this is not your choice to make. Ask. Find out if snacking is allowed. If not, remember: the marshmallows you eat off the top of the yams will be missed. There is no faking the brown with extra marshmallows stuffed into the holes.

If you must eat before the meal, and you don’t have to do so, then your fingers are forbidden. Do not pick meat off the turkey before pictures have been taken or you will end up having to put the turkey at an odd angle to get the right shot.

Do not use Thanksgiving as a moment to preach the sermon on thanksgiving you were not asked to preach last Sunday.

There is a reason that sermon has been allowed to burn in your bosom by the leaders of your church. Keep it there. Do not make the little children wait as you explain that “thanks giving is thanks living.”

Like left-over Thanksgiving dinner can benefit from fridge time, the ideas will be better the next day having remained in mental cold storage. When conversation lags, you might work it into the conversation. You have waited for the right moment and the right moment is never before hungry kids want to eat.

Do not take the loss of your favorite football team too seriously.

Vince Lombardi, he of the Lombardi Trophy, lost to the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day. If that can happen, your team can lose as well. If your team loses, then do not discuss it loudly for hours especially if you are the only one who cares.

If your team is the Green Bay Packers, then mourning the loss is fine, but do not mourn as those without hope. Those are Lions fans. If you are a Lions fan, recall that from a dead lion Samson found honey. Eat sweetly from the carcass of your team.

Do not feast on pinto beans and cornbread the night before a big family Thanksgiving dinner or if you do so, then do not eat cold pinto beans for breakfast.

Why? You will sit alone.

This has been a public service posting, painful, true to life, and more real than reality. You have been warned.

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