Smother Love or Mother Love

Last updated on: April 18, 2015 at 7:30 am by John Mark N. Reynolds

Smother Love or Mother Love 2015-04-15T19:19:10-04:00 John Mark N. Reynolds

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She always loves me.

“I will love you no matter what” is a great Christian truth. God will love us “no matter what” even if our actions and choices force God to damn us to Hell. God does not desire the eternal misery of anybody, certainly not for making justifiable errors in belief, but He is no stalker. God will take our “no as no.”

Love is absolute, but the response of love in a broken world is complicated. I have to be careful this side of Paradise because such vows of eternal love can hide a manipulative and controlling attitude. The nobility of “unconditional love” often disguises smother love akin to that of a stalker: you cannot reject me even if you wish. I will approve of you no matter how much you shame yourself and the community.

We must allow every human the dignity of living free of any expression of our love and approval based on choices the person makes. We might love them as a person, but not the horrid wreck they have made of their life. As a Christian, we are called to love even our enemies, so in one sense, love must be our constant disposition to all human persons. If he lived, I would be called to love Stalin. I am certainly called to love the human beings that are part of ISIS.

And yet I hate what Stalin did and hate the organization ISIS. I hate the evil actions, the rape, the murder, the pillaging of history that ISIS members do. If I could, I would stop ISIS, even if stopping ISIS required killing members that would not leave. My motivation would not be hatred of the terrorists, but a need to protect their victims.

The abusive husband does great evil, and while I may continue to love him if he does repent, faces the consequences, and changes, our friendship will never be the same. If he continues in his grave sin without repentance, there is no way a gentleman could be his friend. He cannot earn our love, it always hopes for him, but he has earned our wrath and failed to earn our friendship.

In lesser situations, all of us are tempted to ignore the wickedness done by people in our families, people who can benefit us (like a boss), or people we like. We do not wish to condemn anything our beloved children do or cause any strain in relationships. However, we dishonor their free will if we do not give them the power to disagree with our deepest values and recognize that we are ashamed when they do evil. We give them smother love and try to overwhelm their will.

We cannot condone evil in the name of love because that is the least loving thing we can do. We cannot celebrate evil as if nothing had happened. Of course, like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son, we wait for any sign of repentance and hope always for peace and reconciliation. We know even then that some harm done by the prodigal is forever. . . the Father did not restore to the repentant son the money he had squandered. All the inheritance would belong to the oldest son.

I know my father and mother love me “no matter what” but that if I want to bask in their approval, then I must earn it. Unearned approval is evil. They are not proud of my vices or sins. They love me despite those failings and have confronted me with them when needed. They love me regardless, but they approve only of good deeds (if I do them!) and good character (when I get it!). My mother does not give me smother love, but wholesome mother’s love: unearned, unmerited, and free. She also has given me the right to become her enemy.

If I joined the Klan and embraced a life of advancing racism, then they would still be my parents, but the closeness would be diminished. I could not have my Klan friends and a deep fellowship with my mother. How could I? She would make as much common ground with me as she could, but would have to be careful to do nothing to support or encourage my racist ways.

Of course, they would never turn to physical violence or verbal abuse to make their point. Love would demand they treat me the best they could at all times. They would kindly and forcefully disagree. They would refuse to participate in my evils, but always have hope for my repentance. If my Klan lifestyle became a big enough part of my life, we would lose most chances to hang out and enjoy company.

And so we must face the hard choices of life where friends chooser to be lost to us and even children are allowed to reject our values. The overarching Christian values of love and liberty demand we allow them to leave. We go on loving, but without the joyful celebration we desire to give to every human being.

We look at any nation, any group of people, any individual and a Christian longs to approve. We wish to say “well done” to everyone (and must be) eager to see even a little good in the greatest evils. We have hope for the worst and an open door to any sinner that repents. We are merciful because we have received mercy.

Yet we honor the choice to be our enemy. We do not pretend that a person who has chosen the libertine path, the path of injustice, or the path of sin is worthy of honor. We love them, but as enemies . . . even our father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter. Why? Because we love the Good, the Truth, and Beauty in them too much to delight in its destruction.

This is the hard way of the Cross. It is the sacrifice of all human loves in the face of justice.

Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

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