\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0\\u00a0 \\u00a0 \\u00a0 \\u00a0 \\u00a0 \\u00a0 \\u00a0 \\u00a0\\u00a0 SLIM PICKINS\\u2019<\\/h3>\\n \ WHEN I MOVED FROM MY FORMER CHRISTIAN LIFE INTO HINDUISM I had never been married but actively dated, certainly hoping that I would find a life partner. I was already in my mid-30s. At this point I was quite willing to compartmentalize my life. Here\\u2019s where I engage in spiritual practice; here\\u2019s where I enjoy dinner and a movie with a lovely young lady who has no interest whatsoever in that aspect of my life. I could live with that.<\\/p>\\n \ At least that\\u2019s what I thought in the beginning. But as I became more invested in the Hindu dharma, this manner of living was getting old.\\u00a0 Also, around this time I started noticing couples who were walking a Hindu path together. I knew right away that marriage to a woman who would just \\u201ctolerate\\u201d my proclivities would be unfulfilling . I saw relationships like that, and yes, some of them were quite successful by many metrics. But it wasn\\u2019t what I wanted.<\\/p>\\n \ \\u00a0<\\/p>\\n

{"id":338,"date":"2023-08-31T14:20:45","date_gmt":"2023-08-31T18:20:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/dharmicmeanderings\/?p=338"},"modified":"2023-08-31T14:25:23","modified_gmt":"2023-08-31T18:25:23","slug":"for-those-who-come-to-us-already-married-they-either-decide-to-make-the-move-together-or-come-singly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/dharmicmeanderings\/2023\/08\/for-those-who-come-to-us-already-married-they-either-decide-to-make-the-move-together-or-come-singly\/","title":{"rendered":"Loneliness, Love and Romance in the Dharma"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Hold hands you lovebirds Photo courtesy of Pixabay<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

Over the years I\u2019ve mentored a good number of single people who have embraced the dharma<\/a> as adults. This usually means leaving the tradition of their birth, family and social circles. For those who come to us already married, they either decide to make the move together, or come singly, having reached an understanding with a spouse that this is a journey which needs to be taken. Obviously, an arrangement like that requires patience and balance from both parties.\u00a0 But for those who are not currently in a relationship and are open to one, I like to explain what they might expect.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 SLIM PICKINS\u2019<\/h3>\n \ WHEN I MOVED FROM MY FORMER CHRISTIAN LIFE INTO HINDUISM I had never been married but actively dated, certainly hoping that I would find a life partner. I was already in my mid-30s. At this point I was quite willing to compartmentalize my life. Here\u2019s where I engage in spiritual practice; here\u2019s where I enjoy dinner and a movie with a lovely young lady who has no interest whatsoever in that aspect of my life. I could live with that.<\/p>\n \ At least that\u2019s what I thought in the beginning. But as I became more invested in the Hindu dharma, this manner of living was getting old.\u00a0 Also, around this time I started noticing couples who were walking a Hindu path together. I knew right away that marriage to a woman who would just \u201ctolerate\u201d my proclivities would be unfulfilling . I saw relationships like that, and yes, some of them were quite successful by many metrics. But it wasn\u2019t what I wanted.<\/p>\n \ \u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 DEMOGRAPHICS WORKING AGAINST ME<\/h3>\n I do know wonderful married (or otherwise committed) couples where one person is a non-Indian \u201cconvert\u201d and the other is ethnically Indian. I certainly could have been persuaded to go that route. The problem was that at this time the demographics of the Hindu Indian community in my city just weren\u2019t cooperating. Almost every female who was ethnically Indian was either 12 or 50. In all of the gatherings (Diwali, pujas<\/a>, meditations, etc.) I attended in those years; I don\u2019t believe I met one woman who was anywhere near my age. Over the years that has changed, but back then it was as I describe.<\/p>\n At this point, I continued to engage with women socially, and don\u2019t get me wrong. Plenty of good times were had. But as far as a long-term commitment was concerned, nothing would move me from my desire to have a life with a fellow dharmi.\u00a0 And something else occurred to me. While marrying into an Indian family would certainly have its rewards, my guess would be that I would not have the ability to connect with them on certain levels. The culture of my life that included the TV, films, music, etc. would not be their culture. So, it became clear to me that I needed to find someone raised in a similar fashion. That is, an ex-Catholic-turned-Hindu.<\/p>\n I specify \u201cex-Catholic\u201d because as one who was raised in this faith, and have 15 years of Catholic education (including college) under my belt, I knew that I would fit quite well into a family that shared that culture.\u00a0 Of course, there were plenty of other points on the wish list that needed to be met as well. The older one gets, the more selective one tends to be. I was quite firm on all my important needs.<\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 BUT WHERE?<\/h3>\n Both Teresa and I were very active in the local theatre community. We met at a party one night, and would occasionally bump into one another over the next year. Then I was cast by her in play she was to direct. Over the rehearsal and production process I did take a shine to her. After we closed the show, I did pursue her. I assumed that if we did begin a dating relationship that it would be just like the others. But as invested as I was in the Sanatana Dharma, I wasn\u2019t motivated to take sannyasin<\/a> vows. I needed feminine companionship in my life. She seemed like a great lady to hang with.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 BUT WAIT, THERE\u2019S MORE!<\/h3>\n \ We did begin dating. As a matter of fact, she broke off a 3-year very toxic relationship with an alcoholic to do so.\u00a0 And much to my surprise, she exhibited great interest in discussing all things philosophical\/theological. Yes, while she would still self-identify as Catholic, she wasn\u2019t practicing. And during one discussion early on, when I mentioned how Hinduism acknowledges divinity as both male and female (and ultimately beyond gender) she cried. Like a baby. The concept was as foreign to her as it was welcome.<\/p>\n \ To be brief, of her own accord, with no nudging from me, she began her own studies and after some time, embraced the Dharma as I had years before. Not only do we share the Hindu path in general, but our particular Vedantic\/Yogic path in particular. Next year we\u2019ll celebrate 30 years of marriage.<\/p>\n \ Yes, this did go the way I had hoped. But in my counseling and mentoring I do not shy away from sharing the loneliness and frustration I felt for quite some time. And those to whom I speak find out sooner or later that swimming against the majoritarian tide isn\u2019t easy. And not every story ends in a perfect match.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 AND IN THE END\u2026<\/h3>\n If you are contemplating exploring the depths of the Dharma, you will find riches beyond compare. And those who might be attracted to a life of solitude (formally or otherwise) might not have to deal with this issue. And of course, the proliferation of dating apps such as Dharma Match<\/a> certainly expands the options. But the dating pool will always be smaller for you than others. And y\u2019know, even with everything I experienced, that\u2019s not a bad thing.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Over the years I\u2019ve mentored a good number of single people who have embraced the dharma as adults. This usually means leaving the tradition of their birth, family and social circles. 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