Highly Happy Marriages Secret #6: Reasonable Expectations

Last updated on: November 17, 2017 at 7:41 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Highly Happy Marriages Secret #6: Reasonable Expectations 2017-11-17T19:41:08+00:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

picjumbo.com_HNCK4313

Author note: This is one of a series giving a sneak peek into what I discovered about what makes happy marriages so happy! After years of nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples, I reveal the twelve most important little habits in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference.

Secret #6: Stop yourself from longing for something that is difficult or impossible for your mate to deliver, or assuming he or she knows what you need. Instead share what you want and appreciate what your mate can deliver!

One of the main reasons for unhappiness is having an expectation that is not met. You thought you deserved and would get a raise after a year of 60-hour weeks, and you got a pat on the back since “the budget is tight.” You assumed your friends would let you know when they were going to the movie; they assumed you would text them if you wanted to go.

Result: unhappiness.

It works that way in every area of life, but romantic relationships – especially marriage! –provide more landmine opportunities than any other! There are two common disconnects: expecting the impossible, and not sharing what you want to begin with.

So be honest and ask yourself: do you have some unreasonable expectations of your spouse? Do you spend any time focusing on the things you wish your spouse would do? Or do you consciously recognize and appreciate all the things he or she can (and does!) do for you?

The happiest spouses I surveyed recognized when their expectations were unrealistic and stopped themselves from thinking, If he really loved me, he would ….(fill in the blank). Instead, they chose to focus on their mate’s unique qualities and appreciated what their spouse could do for them. For example, instead of “If he really loved me, he would give me a big hug when I am upset with him,” a wife might realize He is probably confused and upset himself, and needs to get away and process. He probably feels that trying to risk a hug would risk a black eye! So she responds with grace and realizes that as much as she wants the hug, it may be something that is always hard for him to deliver. She decides to not get hung up on that, and instead appreciates the way he always is willing to come back and talk about things. The next day. After processing.

Another thing that moved many of these couples from “just holding on” to “happy” is that they woke up to the fact that their mate didn’t actually have psychic abilities! Most of us have fallen into the trap of thinking the other person “should just know” what is important to us. Maybe you hoped your husband would plan a weekend getaway to celebrate your anniversary. Instead, you got a musical card. Seriously? Well, instead of getting upset, borrow a trick from a happy couple and think: really, how could he have known? After all, the last few years have been tight financially and he knew you wanted to save money. He thought he was signaling that he cared about your desire for thrift. Spouses can’t read minds! If there’s something we want or need from our spouses, we have to say something.

Should we have high expectations of our spouses? Absolutely! But there’s a difference between expecting a loving partnership with someone who cares about us… and expecting that same person to do the impossible. To the degree that we celebrate what they can deliver – and let them know what we want in the first place – -we’ll be much happier.

From Chapter 7 of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at [email protected].

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Uncategorized

Previous Post

May 12, 2016

3 Things to Do When Your Kid Rolls Her Eyes at You

Next Post

June 7, 2016 Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category dissent Editor's Choice gifts humor kindness marriage men other parenting sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What famous prayer did Jesus teach his followers?

Select your answer to see how you score.

The Hail Mary The Lord's Prayer The Prayer of Jabez The Jesus Prayer