Looking for Approval? Start By Praising Your Provider Husband

Last updated on: November 17, 2017 at 7:41 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Looking for Approval? Start By Praising Your Provider Husband 2017-11-17T19:41:31+00:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Dear Shaunti,

I’m a working mom with two kids. We have a comfortable lifestyle, no major financial problems — just the typical mortgage and monthly bills — and I just got a big raise at work. Still, my husband seems stressed about work and frequently mentions his worries about layoffs. I don’t understand why he’s so concerned — after all, it’s not like I don’t bring any money to the table!

– Confused

Dear Confused,

I understand your frustration — if you earn enough to support your family, why doesn’t your husband just relax and appreciate that you’re contributing to the family income? As with many relational conflicts, however, it’s just not that simple.

What’s going on is probably a result of your husband’s need to provide. Providing is a very strong drive for men. For your husband, it probably is more than a slight desire — it is an emotional need and a burden that presses heavily on him and never lets up. And because it is deep and emotional, it doesn’t change just because you make a great salary. It may sound old-fashioned, but your husband wants to know you depend on him, even though he also knows you’re more than capable of providing yourself. In my research for For Women Only, 78 percent of men said they would feel a need to provide for their family even if their wife earned more than enough to support the whole family! And if your husband is like most men, this “provider burden” is constantly on his mind. In fact, to him, to be a man probably means to be a provider. It is also probably one of the main ways he tries to say “I love you.”

As a result, the idea of failing you is excruciating, which is why he worries out loud about layoffs. It’s emotional torture for a man if the worst happens and his family has to endure financial challenges. Again, it may not seem logical to you, but knowing and recognizing your husband’s emotional need to provide can help you to be kind when he talks about his fears or worries instead of feeling like he’s discounting your contribution (since he probably isn’t!). In fact, many men told me how much it meant to them when their wife said things like “Thank you so much for working so hard to support the family.”

By recognizing both the intrinsic need of men to provide and your own mate’s unique personality and ways of expressing his love for you – and affirming him as a provider – you will actually find your marriage growing stronger and your own appreciation for him growing. This does not lower your own worth as a partner; it shows you want to selflessly support and encourage your husband so he knows you respect and affirm him as a husband and as a man.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

women in the workplace

Previous Post

February 17, 2014

Love in the Blender: Appreciating Your Husband's Gift-Giving Style

Next Post

February 24, 2014 Throw Him a Bone When He Picks up the Broom

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category dissent Editor's Choice gifts humor kindness marriage men other parenting sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which branch of Christianity believes in the doctrine of transubstantiation?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Evangelicals Orthodox Protestants Catholics