Priming Your Wife for Primetime

Last updated on: November 17, 2017 at 7:41 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Priming Your Wife for Primetime 2017-11-17T19:41:31+00:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Dear Shaunti,

It seems like I am always the one to initiate sex. Even when I do, my wife sometimes seems less than enthusiastic. In other ways, we have a great relationship, but this is a big deal for me and it really bums me out. What can I do so that she finds me desirable?

–Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Well, it sounds like you are just like the typical married male that wants more sex than you get. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”)

The good news is that – if your wife is like most other women — this likely has nothing to do with your desirability! My surveys of men and women have found that most of the time when there is a difference in desire, it isn’t because of the husband’s desirability. Instead, it is probably mostly a physiological difference between men and women. See, with more testosterone, most men have what is called “assertive desire”, and want to pursue sex and are ready very quickly. But women have far less testosterone. So although most women enjoy it when it’s happening, they just don’t think about it as much and – here’s the key – aren’t ready at a moment’s notice. Women need what we call “anticipation time” – time to think about it so she can be ready to enthusiastically enjoy your time together rather than being surprised by it. Your wife probably needs to know what you’ve got on your menu for the evening before you get to the bedroom! Although you may think that if you were desirable enough, she wouldn’t need that anticipation time, remember that she is simply physically different from you. So make a little flirting comment early in the day – yes, that is a nice outfit, and maybe tonight you can see her with even less on – and get her thinking about it, and enjoy the results!

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at [email protected].

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Previous Post

February 10, 2014

Has My Teen Lost His Faith?

Next Post

February 17, 2014 Love in the Blender: Appreciating Your Husband's Gift-Giving Style

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category dissent Editor's Choice gifts humor kindness marriage men other parenting sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who built the ark?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Noah Solomon David Moses