Love in the Blender: Appreciating Your Husband’s Gift-Giving Style

Last updated on: November 17, 2017 at 7:41 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

Love in the Blender: Appreciating Your Husband’s Gift-Giving Style 2017-11-17T19:41:31+00:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Close up of banana composition. Whole background.

Dear Shaunti,

I was really looking forward to our second Valentine’s Day together, until I unwrapped my present. A blender. He knows that I like jewelry, and he’s the one who likes smoothies. I got upset that he was being selfish, and then he got upset and said he had seen me looking at that same blender in a catalogue so he picked it up at the mall –and only the day before, at that. Shouldn’t he have thought about what I would like, first?

– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed

Can I be honest? I think you should get yourself a dictionary and look up the word “gift.”

Your husband gave your gift enough thought to be watching for what you seemed interested in, and go fight the crowds at the mall to get it for you. I’m just guessing here, but I’ll bet he wrapped it up with the same eagerness and anticipation – and trepidation – he felt as a young boy when he nervously presented his mom the mis-shapen vase he made in art class. And if so, he felt the same hurt he would have experienced if his mom had gotten upset and said she really wanted a set of coasters instead.

Of course, you can’t control what your husband gave you, but you can control how you respond – and that includes in your thoughts. The main reason you are hurt has nothing to do with the gift: it is because you are assuming your husband has bad intentions. He only got me the blender because that’s what he wanted. In other words: he doesn’t care about me. And then of course, your husband is probably hurting as well, and could be thinking something like: I try so hard, but she doesn’t appreciate anything I do for her.

In my research for my most recent book, I’ve studied what the happiest couples do differently that makes them so happy. And one very clear pattern is that when they are hurt, they stop themselves from making those negative assumptions and instead remind themselves that their spouse cares. Which means they respond better, and they start a positive cycle that protects the marriage instead of hurting it. This short piece might give you some ideas for how to handle your feelings the next time you are hurt.

For now, go back to your man, apologize for losing sight of the big picture, and affirm that (contrary to what you said in the heat of the moment) you know he cares about you. Snap yourself out of your sulk, and go apologize to your man for letting disappointment blind you to the efforts he did make. Right away. Before he decides that it is safer to lay low and get you a gift card next year.

Wish Shaunti could speak at an event in your area? You can help! Forward this piece or others to a leader at your organization or church, with a note of recommendation. They can reach Shaunti at [email protected].

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her ﬁndings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Previous Post

February 13, 2014

Priming Your Wife for Primetime

Next Post

February 20, 2014 Looking for Approval? Start By Praising Your Provider Husband

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category dissent Editor's Choice gifts humor kindness marriage men other parenting sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who is the "chosen lady" addressed in a New Testament letter?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Phoebe Unspecified church Lydia Mary