BREAKING NEWS: Protests Turn Violent in Jerusalem

Last updated on: March 10, 2015 at 1:56 pm by David Roberts

BREAKING NEWS: Protests Turn Violent in Jerusalem 2015-03-10T13:56:07+00:00 David Roberts

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Temple Protests Turn Violent
Angry Rioters Smash, Loot Local Businesses

Jerusalem — Authorities are searching for the leaders of an anti-government protests that turned violent yesterday, disrupting Jerusalem’s annual Passover observance.

The leader of the unauthorized and anarchist demonstration, Jesus bar Joseph of Nazareth, is wanted on suspicion of vandalism, looting, disturbing the peace, and making terroristic threats to destroy the Temple.

Jesus, a rural cult leader who has said he wants to create a new kingdom and has claimed divine status, vandalized and destroyed several local businesses yesterday, driving out store owners with whips. He also promised to destroy the Temple and rebuild it.

“It was terrifying, seeing this demonstration get so out of control,” said a centurion who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We are always on the lookout this time of year for zealots and religious extremists fomenting revolution and disrupting the peaceful celebration of the Jewish Passover.”

Late last night, local business leaders could be seen sweeping up the debris from the attacks and resolving to open for business as soon as possible.

“We will keep this market open,” said one store owner. “Pilgrims depend on us for their sacrifices, and we are proud to be a small part of their holy experience. We will rebuild. We won’t run away. We won’t let some religious terrorist scare us away.”

Authorities have promised that they will not stop until they find Jesus and bring him to justice. They have warned that anyone found aiding, abetting, or harboring Jesus and his accomplices will be tried under the same charges.

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