Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Dave Willis

Home
Relationships and Religion
The 4 steps to forgiveness

The 4 steps to forgiveness

Last updated on: January 28, 2016 at 9:53 am by Dave Willis

The 4 steps to forgiveness 2016-01-28T09:53:08-05:00 Dave Willis

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Unknown

As a pastor and blogger, some of the most common questions I hear (both online and in person) have to do with forgiveness. We’ve ALL been hurt before, and we don’t always know how to deal with the pain of heartbreak or betrayal in a healthy way. Most people want to live a grace-filled life free from bitterness or grudges, but they aren’t sure how to do it.

Does forgiveness mean pretending the offense didn’t happen? Does it mean the other person is completely off the hook?

This is a HUGELY important issue in helping us have healthy relationships and a healthy life in general. Below, I’m going to outline four key steps that need to happen for true forgiveness to take place. If you’ll apply these timeless steps to your own areas of anger or hurt, this could make a world of difference in setting you free and helping you move forward.

For true forgiveness to take place, we need to…

1. Choose to pursue healing instead of payback.

My friend Derek Elam was shot and killed in his early twenties while he was working behind the counter at a music store. Derek’s mom, Diana, responded to that tragedy with an incredible amount of grace and faith. After Derek’s killer was caught and convicted, instead of allowing bitterness and rage to steal her joy, she decided instead to pray for Derek’s killer and extend grace in the hopes that this young man would eventually find forgiveness through Christ. Although he will spend the rest of his life in prison for his crime, through faith in Christ he could live in freedom even while he’s in a prison cell, and he could be reunited with Derek in heaven as a brother in Christ and not as an enemy. Diana’s faith has not only given her peace, but it has touched the hearts and lives of many around the world who are struggling to forgive. I share more of her remarkable story in my new book “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships.”

When we’ve been wronged, there may need be be consequences as there clearly were with Derek’s killer. When consequences are required, we need to trust God to take care of that part. It’s never our job to take revenge. It’s only our job to trust God. He’s the only judge. It’s our mission to pursue peace and healing. God gives us His best even when we’re at our worst and He calls us to do the same for others.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:18-19

2. Refuse to keep score of past hurts.

In any relationship, you’re eventually going to be hurt. When a loved one hurts through their words or their actions, your natural instinct will be to hurt them in return, but instead, you must consciously choose to let go of the right to “get even” and pursue healing for yourself and healing for the relationship. Just like we have a natural tendency to want to get “payback,” we also have a temptation to “keep score” of someone offenses and use them for leverage in the relationship. True forgiveness requires us to tear up this invisible scorecard. Healing can’t happen when we’re constantly reminding each other of past offenses. In a relationship where you keep score, both people lose. In a relationship where you choose to forgive, both people win. It’s been said that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies! Don’t get caught in the scorekeeping trap.

“Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someonewho sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22 (Jesus isn’t saying we can stop forgiving after exactly 70X7=490 offenses, but rather, He’s using hyperbole to remind us that we shouldn’t be keeping score in the first place.)

3. Recognize that forgiveness and trust are two very different things.

When we struggle to forgive, it’s often because we’ve believed the myth that forgiving someone requires trusting them. The truth is that forgiveness can’t be earned, it can only be given (that’s called “grace”), but trust can’t be given, it can only be earned (that’s called “common sense”). When someone wrongs you, give your forgiveness instantly but give your trust slowly. Trust isn’t required to forgive, but forgiveness is required to make trust possible again.

4. Accept the apology even if it never comes!

Some of us are holding grudges against people who may never apologize. Perhaps, you’re even holding onto some bitterness against someone who has already died. We may never hear the words, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me,” but even when we don’t hear them, we need to find the faith to put these wrongs into God’s hands so that we can move forward with peace instead of bitterness. As C.S. Lewis has said, “It’s like crossing the monkey bars. At some point, we have to let go if we ever want to move forward!”

For more tools to help you build a stronger faith and healthier relationships, you can connect with me on Facebook and check out my brand new book “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships”

IF THIS POST HELPED YOU, PLEASE SHARE IT USING THE LINKS BELOW SO WE CAN HELP OTHERS TOO!

Bible Study

Inspiration and Encouragement

Life Tools

Previous Post

January 27, 2016

3 things God wants you to know when you feel insecure

Next Post

February 1, 2016 4 keys to overcoming FEAR

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Bible Study Family and Parenthood General Inspiration and Encouragement Life Tools Marriage Uncategorized Videos

Select a Month August 2022 May 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What continent was the birthplace of Christianity?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Europe Africa Australia Asia

Books by This Author Books by Dave Willis

See All Titles »