I’ve “fallen out of love” with my spouse. Now what?

Last updated on: August 23, 2015 at 8:25 pm by Dave Willis

I’ve “fallen out of love” with my spouse. Now what? 2015-08-23T20:25:26-05:00 Dave Willis

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Unknown-2

One of the most common phrases my wife Ashley and I hear when talking with married couples who are facing struggles, boredom, the aftermath of infidelity or any other type of challenge in marriage is something like, “I just don’t feel the same anymore. I’ve fallen out of love with him/her. I’m not sure I want to stay married.”

Maybe you’ve had thoughts like this and maybe you’ve even said them out loud. Feelings are fickle, so chances are, you’ve had moments when you haven’t “felt” like being married to your spouse. Those moments can become defining moments in your marriage. How you choose to respond when you don’t feel “in love” could have lifelong ramifications for your life and your legacy.

In those moments when you’re feeling frustrated in your marriage, please remember these five truths:

1. Statistically, “unhappy” couples who stay together are likely to be “happy” within 5 years.

I recently read a longitudinal study of married couples who identified themselves as “unhappy” in the marriage. Many of those couples divorced, but for the ones who stayed together, 2/3 (67%) of them said they were “happy” five years later. The process of working through difficulties together tends to eventually bring a deeper sense of satisfaction and contentment to both spouses. I don’ t share this to encourage you to chase whatever you think will make you “happy,” because that’s a pretty fickle emotion, but EVERY couple has seasons of struggle and those who persevere together tend to become the happiest and healthiest.

2. Having an affair is NEVER the answer.

Our culture has romanticized the idea of having a steamy fling, but this is always a bad idea that will create emotional wreckage for everyone involved. It might seem enticing because a whole different set of “feelings” are involved when you’re trying to seduce someone, etc., but those feelings will betray you. If you really want to have a lifelong great sex life, it won’t be found outside of marriage. Check out our online course to enhance sex, intimacy and communication in marriage.

3. Choose what’s valuable in the long run instead of what’s easy in the moment.

Walking out on your marriage or having an affair might “feel” enticing, but think of it this way…Let’s say you had a bag full of pennies in one hand a bag full of $100 bills in another. The bag full of pennies might “feel” more substantial, but the real question is “Which one is more valuable?” A marriage that endures the seasons of life provides a richness to the husband and the wife (and their children that far surpasses what either of them could have possessed had they left the marriage. The easiest choice is seldom the best choice.

4. Remember that lasting love is based on commitments, not feelings.

When we base our choices on how we “feel,” we will never experience real love. All through the Bible (which is a remarkably practical marriage manual), God commands us to love. For love to be a commandment, it means that love must also be a choice. After all, you can’t command someone to do something to do something that’s out of their power to do (like commanding them to “feel” a certain way). We tend to think of love as just a feeling and we’re enslaved by the fickle nature of it. When we “feel” no love, we assume the marriage must be dead, but love is always a commitment. It’s a choice; not a feeling. When we make that choice to love, serve and encourage our spouse daily, our feelings almost always have a way of catching up eventually.

5. Your spouse probably needs your love the most in those moments when he/she “deserves” it least.

“Unconditional love” is a redundant phrase, because unless love is unconditional, it isn’t really love. Do we only love our children on those days they’re being “lovable”? Of course not. We love them on their best day and their worst, because they’re our kids. Our commitment to a husband or wife should be every bit as strong and sacred. Give your best even when he/she is at their worst, and eventually, both your hearts will probably soften towards each other in the process. God gives us love even when we don’t return it and He calls us to share that same love with each other. If you want your marriage to work, don’t treat your spouse the way your spouse treats you; treat your spouse the way that God treats you.

For more tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, please check out my bestselling book, iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage and our brand new iVow online marriage course. If your marriage is currently in crisis, please check out the resources at SaveMyMarriage.com.

Please share this post using the links below so we can help couples who need it.

Marriage

Previous Post

August 20, 2015

This high cost of a double-life in marriage

Next Post

August 25, 2015 Ten Bible verses that changed my marriage

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Bible Study Family and Parenthood General Inspiration and Encouragement Life Tools Marriage Uncategorized Videos

Select a Month August 2022 May 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What meal did the Israelites eat before leaving Egypt?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Day of Atonement meal Firstfruits Feast of Booths Passover

Books by This Author Books by Dave Willis

See All Titles »