Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Dave Willis

Home
Relationships and Religion
5 traits of good listeners

5 traits of good listeners

Last updated on: November 15, 2018 at 3:05 pm by Dave Willis

5 traits of good listeners 2018-11-15T15:05:24-05:00 Dave Willis

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Unknown-1

I used to think I was a good listener.

Being a “good listener” is one of those things most people think about themselves. We all believe we’re good drivers, good listeners, and have a good sense of humor, but listening is one of those areas where we don’t see our own blind spots. I learned this the hard way.

The day I discovered that I was NOT a good listener happened during a premarital course my wife Ashley and I were going through while we were engaged. We were asked to do an exercise where one of us had to talk for two minutes about something (we were given specific topics) and the other was supposed to spend that time listening. Once our partner had completed his or her dialogue, we were able to respond, but the first part of the response had to be restating and summarizing what had just been said.

I anxiously awaited Ashley to finish the details of her story, so I could begin my response and impress her with my stellar listening skills. As instructed, I started off with the phrase, “What I hear you saying is…” and then I did my best to recap her thoughts and feelings before responding with my own thoughts.

Before I could get to my own thoughts, she looked at me with disappointment and confusion on that beautiful face of hers and said, “You weren’t listening. That’s not what I said!”

Like I was saying, I wasn’t as good a listener as I thought I was.

I was committing a classic mistake in communicating…instead of listening to understand what’s being said, I was “listening” for a few key points while letting my mind wander to pre-planning my response or daydreaming about something else entirely. Over the years, I’ve tried to hone these communication skills, because I’ve come to realize good listening is vital to a good marriage, but I still have a long way to go!

I have a Master’s Degree in Communication, but it didn’t do much of anything to help me be a good listener (even though listening is the most important part of communication). The listening lessons I’ve picked up have been learned through a lot of experience and even failures on my part along with the insights many others have shared with me over the years. Ashley has always been a much better listener than me, so I’ve picked up a lot of these principles simply by how she engages in our conversations.

To become a better listener (which will automatically make you a better communicator), try the following:

1. Eliminate the distractions.

None of us are as good at multitasking as we’d like to think. Turn off your phones and give each other your full attention. Remove the barriers to listening and it will become a lot easier.

2. Ask questions before you respond.

Instead of just jumping into a response when your spouse finishes speaking, make sure you’re responding to what he/she actually said! You can do this be asking questions or even doing the exercise I mentioned in the first part of this post. Begin your response by summarizing their statement: “What I hear you saying is...”

3. Focus on giving support, not just solutions.

Your spouse wants to be heard and not just so you can tell him/her what they need to do. They need your encouragement and support, not just your advice. For more on this, watch my FREE video on “How to build intimacy and trust in marriage.”

4. Speak in paragraphs, not “tweets”

I love social media, but the bombardment of constant information has lowered our tolerance for meaningful conversations. If it can’t be said in a short sentence, we don’t always want to hear it, but there are no shortcuts to effective communication. Take the time to do it right. Don’t rush each other.

5. Respond nonverbally while he/she is speaking.

Don’t just stare off in space waiting for your turn to talk. A healthy conversation has only one person talking at a time, but both people are communicating the entire time. You can respond with your eye contact, facial expressions and non-verbals to let them know you’re engaged.

For daily encouragement, please “like” my new Facebook page by clicking here.

If this post helped you, please share it on social media using the links below so we can encourage others too!

Life Tools

Marriage

Previous Post

April 1, 2015

The million dollar test

Next Post

April 2, 2015 4 ways to improve a lonely marriage

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Bible Study Family and Parenthood General Inspiration and Encouragement Life Tools Marriage Uncategorized Videos

Select a Month August 2022 May 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: In Revelation, the New Jerusalem has ten gates, each made of a single pearl.

Select your answer to see how you score.

TRUE FALSE

Books by This Author Books by Dave Willis

See All Titles »