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Dave Willis

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4 ways to get your marriage out of a rut.

4 ways to get your marriage out of a rut.

Last updated on: April 30, 2014 at 3:53 pm by Dave Willis

4 ways to get your marriage out of a rut. 2014-04-30T15:53:06-05:00 Dave Willis

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I was talking to a friend recently and he was giving me all the updates about his career, his kids and his marriage that he doesn’t share on his facebook and twitter feeds. His social media persona seemed to paint the picture of a perfect life, but behind those picture perfect smiles and online “highlight reels,” his reality was something completely different.

He loved his wife and she loved him, and there hadn’t been any major crisis or anything, but their marriage just didn’t “feel” the same as it used to. As he struggled to put words to his complicated mix of emotions, he finally said, “We’re stuck. I just feel like we’re stuck in a rut and I have no idea what to do about it!”

Can you relate to his frustration? I think all of us fall into ruts in different seasons of life, but it’s crucial that we get out of the rut as quickly as we possibly can. The problem is, just like my friend pointed out, we often have no idea what to do about it! Every situation is unique, so I hesitate to prescribe a “one-size-fits-all” approach, but I’m convinced that the four principles below will help set you free from your ruts and chart a new course towards renewed passion and purpose in your marriage.

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1. Admit there’s a problem.

Most people who stay in a rut stay there primarily because they refuse to admit that they’re actually in a rut. Just own it. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you’re heading to Divorce Court or anything like that. It means you care enough about your spouse and your marriage to settle for nothing less than the best marriage you can have. Identify the aspects of your relationship and routine that need improvement and then work together to improve them.

2. Jump start a new routine.

Being stuck in a rut means you’re stuck in an unfulfilling routine, so start creating a new routine. It doesn’t mean you have to change jobs or pack up and move to a tropical island; it simply means you rearrange your schedule to create more communication and quality time. To help you get started, check out our post on How to change your marriage in one week.

3. Think “thoughtfulness,” not “romance.”

Sometimes when we’re stuck in a rut we want to solve it with a grand, romantic gesture like covering your house in rose petals and have wine, chocolates and violin music. I’m all for romance, and I think most couples could use a lot more of it, but those grand gestures during a rut can end up feeling inauthentic. Instead, leave thoughtful notes for your spouse. Find creative ways to make their life easier. Communicate throughout the day. By your words and actions, let them know the place of priority they have in your schedule and in your heart.

4. Remove the negativity.

You obviously need to try and remove your own negative attitudes, but also keep in mind that a new routine might involve being around some new people. Sometimes our negative friends help perpetuate the rut, so for the sake of your marriage, you might need to put some distance between yourself and those “friends.” Put yourself in the places (and around the people) who will help bring out the best in you and your spouse!

For more tools for building a rock-solid marriage, please check out book iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage which is now also available on iTunes for download on iPhones and iPads and also make sure to Register for our first FREE marriage-building webinar.

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4 ways to improve communication in your marriage.

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