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Papal World Cup Final 2014: Argentina is on God’s Side #QED

Papal World Cup Final 2014: Argentina is on God’s Side #QED

Last updated on: August 18, 2014 at 3:06 pm by Artur Rosman

Papal World Cup Final 2014: Argentina is on God’s Side #QED 2014-08-18T15:06:25-07:00 Artur Rosman

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World Cup Final 2014: Things could get Messi for Catholics.

Above are the Catholic numbers for this 2014 World Cup Final. What can we learn from them about the future of the Church and who to put money down on for Sunday?

One thing we know from the stats is that Germany is about as Catholic as Russia is Orthodox [NOT. VERY.]. In fact, Germany is about as Catholic as the United States! I suppose this would explain why the Germans are as bad about commiting liturgical abuses as the Americans are. But, absent an American pope, Benedict XVI, is probably the most radical pope the Church has produced in half a millennium. It’s no wonder Cardinal Wyszynski banned his Introduction to Christianity in the Warsaw archdiocese when it first came out in Polish.

Then again, it is undeniable that liberation theology made its way into Argentina through the influence of German theology, especially the groundbreaking work of Johannes Baptist Metz. In fact, it was Benedict XVI (not Francis) who first put the founder of the movement, Gustavo Guttierez, back on the map during his papacy when too many Neo-Conservatives mistakenly thought that the partial condemnation of liberation theology by the CDF-Inquisition under Ratzinger was a whole cloth rejection of the movement. On top of all that, the German and Argentinian popes have both given a slightly Protestant flavoring to the office.

These cross-pollinations should not belie the fact that the Pope Francis side is more Catholic in terms of percentage and raw numbers. These statistics are part of the reason why Christianity is now migrating south of the equator. That’s where the future of Christianity is headed. Forget about glorifying the Tridentine liturgy (originating in perhaps the most corrupt period of Church history ever) as if it will somehow magically and single-handedly save the world by itself. Francis, the Argentinian pope, knows all this and has been making changes in the hierarchy accordingly.

The law of noncontradiction means only Argentina can win.

All in all, I predict the acting pope’s team will win 2 to 1.

After all, the Germans ought not to win when so many of their star scorers were actually born in Catholiclandia, Poland. I won’t mention Podolski’s and World Cup goal record holder Klose’s names, because traitors like them don’t deserve to be mentioned.

But if Argentina loses, maybe Poland is the Christ of nations as Mickiewicz claimed after all? At least in soccer. A loss would also seem like appropriate punishment for Argentina giving asylum to Poland’s most sacrilegious and funniest writer, Witold Gombrowicz, for something like thirty years.

And God does seem to have a thing for losers. We’ll see.

If you’re still looking to bone up on your soccer knowledge after all that insider information then try these books:

The Soccer War by Ryszard Kapuscinski

“Journalism at its most incisive, these phosphorescent dispatches from the front investigate Third World wars of 1958-1976, probing the forces of political repression and societies stagnating or in the throes of change. Like a contemporary Conrad footloose in Africa, Polish reporter Kapuscinski (Shah of Shahs) evokes a continent coping with a colonialist legacy, torn between dictatorships, anarchy and struggles for liberation. He writes of the murder of Congo prime minister Patrice Lumumba, the mid-1960s Nigerian civil war which devastated the Yorubas, and Algeria’s struggle to emerge from France’s shadow. Drawing on his five-year stint in Latin America, he discusses torture in Guatemala and the 100-hour war between Honduras and El Salvador, triggered by a soccer contest in 1969, which left 6000 dead and many villages destroyed.”

How Soccer Explains the World by Franklin Foer

“The global power of soccer might be a little hard for Americans, living in a country that views the game with the same skepticism used for the metric system and the threat of killer bees, to grasp fully. But in Europe, South America, and elsewhere, soccer is not merely a pastime but often an expression of the social, economic, political, and racial composition of the communities that host both the teams and their throngs of enthusiastic fans. New Republic editor Franklin Foer, a lifelong devotee of soccer dating from his own inept youth playing days to an adulthood of obsessive fandom, examines soccer’s role in various cultures as a means of examining the reach of globalization. Foer’s approach is long on soccer reportage, providing extensive history and fascinating interviews on the Rangers-Celtic rivalry and the inner workings of AC Milan, and light on direct discussion of issues like world trade and the exportation of Western culture.”

Among the Thugs by Bill Buford

“They have names like Barmy Bernie, Daft Donald, and Steamin’ Sammy. They like lager (in huge quantities), the Queen, football clubs (especially Manchester United), and themselves. Their dislike encompasses the rest of the known universe, and England’s soccer thugs express it in ways that range from mere vandalism to riots that terrorize entire cities. Now Bill Buford, editor of the prestigious journal Granta, enters this alternate society and records both its savageries and its sinister allure with the social imagination of a George Orwell and the raw personal engagement of a Hunter Thompson.”

Futbol!: Why Soccer Matters in Latin America by Joshua Nadel

“Discover the dreams, passions, and rivalries that are at stake in Latin America’s most popular sport.Fútbol! explains why competitors and fans alike are so fiercely dedicated to soccer throughout the region.”

The Goalie’s Anxiety at the Penalty Kick by Peter Handke

“The Goalie’s Anxiety at the Penalty Kick is a true modern classic that portrays breakdown of a murderer in ways that recall Camus’s The Stranger. The self-destruction of a soccer goalie turned construction worker who wanders aimlessly around a stifling Austrian border town after pursuing and then murdering, almost unthinkingly, a female movie cashier is mirrored by Handke’s use of direct, sometimes fractured prose.”

Finally, here’s some Argentinian poetry to prepare you for the final after all this prose:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEhniGlFDtA

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