A Great Pretender

Last updated on: July 9, 2020 at 5:00 pm by Theresa Zoe Williams

A Great Pretender 2020-07-09T14:49:16-07:00 Theresa Zoe Williams

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Have I wasted my dreams? Have I missed my chance? Have I squandered what was mine? Can I recover from this?

I can go on pretending– I’m good at that, and it’s no wonder that I am because performing is what I was built for. I can string myself any story I need to keep me pretending that it all doesn’t matter, to keep lying to myself that I’m fine without it. I can pretend I’m satisfied.

But I’m not.

I feel ungrateful and like a fraud and like I’ll lose it all if I go after what I know I’m meant for. When have I ever been scared of losing all I love before? Never. Nullam praeter me requiris familiam.

But here I sit, rotting. And it’s all my choice. Paralyzed by insecurity. Twenty-two years of denial because of one conversation. One conversation I can’t shake. Words that irrevocably changed my core and I’m powerless to change it back. Words that haunt and taunt me, no matter how I exorcise them. Words I wish she’d never said. Word I wish she could take back.

Even if she were alive, though, she wouldn’t take them back.

Now words are all I have. The place that makes me feel most alive is now also the place of so much fear. I’ve let the fear live here so long I no longer know where it ends or where it hides. We’re joined now. Maybe closer than one woman and one man. I need to divorce it and become my own narrator again.

I don’t know if I have the strength. I don’t know if I have the support.

Nullam praeter me requiris familiam.

I wish I could go back and shield little thirteen-year-old me. Tell her to do it anyway. Tell her it would be okay. Tell her doing it would make her okay.

Time to start.

Image courtesy of https://www.needpix.com/photo/1036835/dark-room-round-window-black-and-white-people-girl-woman

Previous Post

July 9, 2020

Veronica Giuliani- July 9 (Everyday Saints Series)

Next Post

July 10, 2020 Amelia (Amalberga)- July 10 (Everyday Saints Series)

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Daily Saints Fairytales Uncategorized

Select a Month August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 December 2019 July 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who repeatedly sent soldiers to capture Elijah, only to see fire consume them?

Select your answer to see how you score.

King Amaziah King Ahab King Asa King Ahaziah

Support this
Column