Local Activist Blames Church Fires On Climate Change

Last updated on: July 30, 2021 at 6:10 pm by Coffee & Crucifix

Local Activist Blames Church Fires On Climate Change 2021-07-30T18:10:44-06:00 Coffee & Crucifix

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Image credits: Wikimedia Commons, freepik.com

***SATIRE***

“Man, this is all so unprecedented!” says local activist Mitch Stryker while carrying a jerry can of gasoline on his way to Saint Michael’s Chapel. “It’s hard to believe all these church fires across the country are seemingly happening all at once! But there can be only one explanation for all of them…….CLIMATE CHANGE!”

“I mean, every year we see more and more forest fires lighting up whenever the weather gets hot for long periods of time!” continued Stryker as he poured gasoline all around the church wall perimeter. “We all know the global temperatures are rising, like, 50 degrees or something each year! I knew it was only a matter of time before buildings would follow suit. You gotta trust the science, you know.”

“All of what we’re seeing right now is the result of irresponsible human activity on a collective scale!” continued Mitch as he removed his COVID mask to light up a reefer and dropped it on the ground where several other discarded masks lay. “If people were smart, they should stop killing our planet with mass exploitation and destruction of our ecosystems!”

“And what’s worse, our entire country is built upon systems of oppression,” said Mitch as he tossed the joint onto the trail of fuel, causing the church to go up in raging flames. “As a white person, I recognize my privilege and I just want to do my part to stop the violence!”

Stryker fled the scene immediately after the church caught fire, but was soon arrested by local authorities who found him injured after an attempted parkour-style escape though a back-alley. The fire soon spread from the church onto the dry grass, which then ignited the neighboring trees and houses.

“It’s an utter travesty, this whole situation,” recalls Constable Oshawa after firefighters managed to control the blaze. “Not sure what was going through that kid’s mind, especially during a province-wide fire ban. He could have single-handedly burned down the entire county, let alone the nearby old-growth forest that is under federal protection!”

While under police custody, Mitch Stryker stated, “C’mon, man, I was only trying to lightly char the building just to make a statement, not light up the whole dang thing! It only comes to show you how dangerous climate change really is! If we don’t do something about it soon, the whole world’s gonna burn!”

Regarding the heightened emotions surrounding the residential school controversy that seemed to provoke church burnings across the country, Constable Oshawa responded, “My whole family has lived here for generations and my ancestors helped the settlers build the church that burned down. I know not everyone’s experiences were alike, and I know a lot of my own people who have suffered from immense prejudices that still linger to this day. But that doesn’t justify the horrific act that happened today. I hope we can all look to our Creator as a source of unity, comfort, healing and reconciliation in this difficult time.”

During his first court hearing, Mitch Stryker pleaded ‘not guilty’ of hate-motivated arson.

Previous Post

April 10, 2021

GraceLife Church, Civil Disobedience & the Christian Persecution Complex

Next Post

April 18, 2022 An Easter Reflection: Jesus Was A Victim

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Catholicism Christian Life Christian Life Church History Community Eastern Orthodoxy Entertainment Fiction History Mental Health Movies Music Politics Protestantism Reflection Religion Satire Science Fiction Self esteem Self Love Spirituality Star Wars Suicide Theology Uncategorized

Select a Month June 2023 April 2023 May 2022 April 2022 July 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 June 2018 April 2018 January 2018 November 2017 October 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 December 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 June 2016 May 2016 March 2016 February 2016

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was Moses' brother?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Caleb Joshua Eleazar Aaron