Weighing in On The Tony Jones/Julie McMahon Story

Last updated on: February 4, 2015 at 10:57 am by Michael Hardin

Weighing in On The Tony Jones/Julie McMahon Story 2015-02-04T10:57:23-04:00 Michael Hardin

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I begin with a confession. Back in 1993-94 as a pastor of a small church I had an affair. I have made this public knowledge for many years. It is part of my story. Those that know Lorri and I know it took a lot of hard work for the two of us to work things out. I had to admit I was an alcoholic and quit drinking. I had to admit I was a selfish bastard and only concerned to ‘make it big’ in the Christian world. I had to admit that I had ruined the lives of my children and the other family involved. To this day I bear the scars of that time and to this day my children bear those scars as well. I have lived for the past fifteen years or so seeking to find ways to make amends to my wife and daughters for the grief I caused. They love me very much. Lorri often tells me “Michael Hardin I believe in you.” And I know she does. I know she loves me.

I mention this because I have just been acquainted with the whole scenario and hullabaloo surrounding the divorce of Tony Jones and Julie McMahon. I spent a good deal yesterday reading all manner of blogs and court documents relating to the case. Now I know it takes two to tango, and in any failed marriage rare is the case where only one person is at fault. My concern is not to cast blame in any direction, for blame will not bring healing.

However as I read all of this I did come to a conclusion. A personal conclusion. I concluded that I must take the side of Julie McMahon if for no other reason than the fact she is a true victim in this case.

I recall Lorri’s anger at me when I was proud, emotionally unavailable, interested only in my own career. I chalked it all up to her being “bat shit crazy.” I had no idea that I had become a moral dualist; what was good for me was good, what was good for others was good for them if it was good for me. I had no idea at that time how deluded I was, how self-centered I was because all I could see was myself. The universe revolved around me and my desires. Thus the affair, the destruction of at least two families, one church and my future.

I see Tony Jones now walking that path and my heart breaks for him. I know almost nothing about Tony. I have not read any of his books and very few of his blogs. I know he is very bright. One does not graduate with an advanced degree from Princeton or earn a teaching slot at Fuller is one is not way above average. But I also know the price very bright people pay for their intelligence.

It is all too easy to be manipulative, to structure all arguments in our favor. I was a master at it. I am not saying I am anywhere near as bright as Tony is, but I have a certain degree of intelligence and I know how it can be a tool for both construction and creativity and for destruction and pain.

Lorri and I have entered our third phase of healing. 1994-2002 was Stage One. Lots of fights, none of them pretty. But also lots of honesty and tears. 2002-2010 brought a new round of healing for us as we ventured together to just live our life together without any expectation of my ‘being special’, of having a platform. This Third Phase of healing has been the best so far. We both see each other as necessary to the ministry to which WE have been called (not just me).

I can honestly say I would not be who I am today without her constant love and forgiveness for my selfishness and stupidity. Back in 1994 she came to me and said “Michael, I forgive you. But the hardest thing you will ever learn is to forgive yourself.” You know what? She was right. But during the Second Phase just that took place.

So as I speak on this issue which has sadly become part of the public domain regarding Tony and Julie, I want to say this. Sides are being taken. Some people are seeing things from Tony’s perspective, others from Julie’s perspective. The one thing I don’t think very many see is that Tony still has a life, a ministry. I am glad for that. But Julie has been left with a shattered life, and the children…oh the children are paying a price they should not have to pay.

Here is the bottom line for me. In those years when Lorri and I were seeking to pick up the pieces of our life I had shattered, we had no one to help us, no one to guide us. We had to figure out how to do this thing called marriage all by ourselves. But we managed to pull it off, largely because she is a woman of strong conviction, courage and a generous heart. Tony and Julie have all of us.

What we do not need right now is to turn either Julie or Tony into scapegoats that coalesce sides. What we all ought to be doing is to be asking how any of us involved in this can help bring healing to both of them.

Julie, I called you last night to be an encouragement to you. I hear you just as I had to learn to hear Lorri. I grieve for you and the children. You alone know what I shared as an encouragement. Trust me when I say I understand how you feel in all this.

Tony, I do not know you. I wish I did, but I don’t. I have no idea how to say this to you except to say it. I may be all wrong in my assessment of things, so if what I say doesn’t fit, please just chalk it up to my foolishness. We men, particularly those of us who are both bright and charismatic often work out of our pain. When we do this we become deluded and self-justifying (at least I do). As I said, I know it takes two to tango. I don’t know if you are capable or willing to do a thorough self-examination and for the moment I don’t give a damn about what all the psychologists are saying about this disorder or that disorder. We are all fucked up in one way or another. I am talking about having one of those brutally honest talks with your soul. Maybe you have already done this. If you haven’t I encourage you to do so. I think it was Socrates who said “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

I have no idea how this will all play out for you. I hope you and Julie will find the healing that Lorri and I found in the grace of God, either apart or together. I also hope your children too will find that healing.

As this drama du jour continues to play itself out in blog/twitter/Facebook Land, I hope that everybody who weighs in on one side or the other has the courage to listen to all sides, to pray for all parties and to care for both you and Julie. I don’t know your personal side of the story Tony, we have only ever exchanged one or two e-mails relating to professional things. But I have been where you are at emotionally and spiritually. And my heart breaks inside for you. I would wish what you are going through on no one.

May you both, in the grace of God, find the peace you seek.

May we all out here no longer accuse for none of us were married to either Tony or Julie. To those of us out here in the faux court of the Internet: be honorable, if you feel the need to take a side (as I have done), listen to all sides, and treat the other side with great compassion. We can ill afford to allow this scenario to divide us into US/Them camps. We should seek healing and restoration of life for all parties.

Blessed are the Peacemakers.

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