How to Grow Up (or at least free up)

Last updated on: June 30, 2015 at 9:25 am by Sam Alexander

How to Grow Up (or at least free up) 2015-06-30T09:25:49-06:00 Sam Alexander

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I wondered what they thought at the next table. Dr. Waetjen was quite exorcized when he said it: you’ve got to decide which is primary, which gets priority – being or becoming. A non-theologian probably isn’t going to understand that, but I swear, everyone needs to understand it.

You can start from that “sin” place I talked about in my last post, that place where you just know there is something wrong with you. If you start there, you’re going to put on your P.F. Fliers, run faster and jump higher, (I guess that reference dates me), chasing after the elusive goal of “getting there.” That’s what it looks like to give priority to “becoming.” How does that make you feel? Different people have different reactions. Some put their head down and get to work, looking up from time to time to judge how other people are doing, how fast they’re running. (Naturally, they’re all running behind – except a few sainted people like the Dali Lama or Jesus; no one can be like them.) Some people think, “To hell with this; I’m not going spend my life living up to someone’s moral ideal for me.” In my generation that meant a move to “drugs, sex, and rock n’ roll.” There are others, but I think our reactions to that are some combination of the two. But if we prioritize “becoming,” we never “arrive,” never really recognize our worth and beauty.

But suppose we start with statements like these? “You are a unique expression of the love intelligence of the universe.” “You are loved by God.” “You are a child of God.” “You are a stunningly beautiful, incredibly valuable human being.” That is your reality. No matter who you are reading this, that is you’re reality. How does that feel? It’s hard for many of us to believe, but as God is my witness, it is true. Different people have different reactions to this too. But in my experience, when a person hears it, the more clearly they hear that truth, the more they ask the question, “How do I become what I already am?” Now the priority straight – being first, then becoming.

So how do we go about that? If I, (and Jesus and a whole bunch of other folk by the way), am right, then apparently when we act out of integrity with the true beauty of our being, we are acting out of a “false self.” Becoming then is the project of dismantling the “false self,” or what the Apostle Paul called “the flesh.” Dismantling the false self and living more and more as a unique expression of the love of God requires effort and commitment.

First let me be clear that what I’m offering here is one approach. What I’m advocating in general is for all of us find a context in which we feel safe, surrounded by love, which is to say surrounded by people who want only the best for us and, as Robert Kegan at Harvard promotes, make what is subject, (ourselves when we’re not thinking), an object. We look at ourselves to see what shifts can be made, in effect making a project of shifting our behavior inside and out. We do that recognizing that we are not separate, horrifying creatures suspended by a slender thread over the pit of hell. Edwards was just wrong about that. We are instead gorgeous people suffused with the creative power of a God who can only love us.

If we’re going to dismantle the false self, or at least its hold on us, we need to have an idea of where it comes from. Traditionally we think it comes from a fundamental alienation from God. Following the insights of Catherine Dowling Singh and Stephen Wolinsky, I’d say the false self emerges first as a response to our separation from God when we come into form, and second as we experience the shock of separation from our mother. The false self emerges in response to the reality of separation. It seems that very early on – pre-verbal – each of us comes to some conclusions about that separation – why it happens, what it means for the self. If you consider your own life it is sometimes easy to see that conclusion show up in one, very basic, false self sentence. Mine is “I am fatally flawed.” Other friends have sentences like, “I am not enough,” “I am all alone,” “It all depends on me,” “I’m incompetent,” “I’m ugly.” I think you get the idea.

So, let me ask you this: when you’re “contracting,” when you find yourself being the worst of yourself, what are you thinking about yourself? I mean underneath. Or another way to put it might be, what are the things you say about yourself? It’s not magic, but as you begin to define it, you have an opportunity to undermine this false image, because it’s not true; you are not all alone, you are not ugly, you are enough. Once discovered, begin to notice when it rears its ugly head. You don’t have to be ashamed of looking at it. You are a beautiful expression of the love intelligence that animates the universe; this is an effort to become who you are. So look at it, consider how it feels in your body, name it, sit with it for a time because, as my wife likes to say, “You have to be where you are before you can be somewhere else.” Consider how this situation might be different if there was more compassion . . . then in the moment, ask Spirit what wants to take place, what step are you being called to take.

You might consider talking to a real friend about it because it’s hard work, and it’s sometimes painful. But choose a friend who you know will not judge you, one who will hold you accountable, but never judge you. I’ve found that it’s enormously freeing. Even if it’s not for you in this moment I hope you’ll keep it in mind.

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