Frequently Searched Questions: Rob Bell Roleplaying Game

Last updated on: November 30, 2012 at 6:00 am by Alan Noble

Frequently Searched Questions: Rob Bell Roleplaying Game 2012-11-29T23:20:51-07:00 Alan Noble

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The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is Music Statistics.

Q 1. The percent of death by country music.

Good question. With the bad economy you’d expect to see a significant rise in country music related deaths (CMTDs), but since country music stopped existing several decades ago when pop artists donned cowboy hats and began their coup d’etat of the country and western establishment, most country fans now only suffer a mild form of late capitalist ennui, which is rarely deadly. So, approximately 2.67%.

Q 2. Playing video games vs going to church.

Versus? You’re doing it wrong.

A screen shot of RB’s special NOOMA-Choke move. It’s deadly, but not damning. (Image: p_c_w/flickr CC BY-ND 2.0)

Q 3. Rob Bell roleplaying game.

Phew. That’s a doozy. Here goes:

You’re a mystical warrior of light fighting stuffy old dudes who think they “know” God using your magical energy called NOOMA. As you progress in the game, you collect black shirts and turtlenecks and round-frame glasses which give different perks–like Resurrect Hipster Jeans, or +7 Sensitive Voice, or +9 Authenticity when Casting Sigur Ros. If you die in battle, John Piper appears and wishes you Farewell, sarcastically.

Unfortunately, it’s not a particularly satisfying game because none of the bad guys ever get punished.

Q 4. i got given a bluey green pill.

Not sure if you’re bragging or looking for expert medical advice–er, I mean, experty medical advice.

Q 5. Ironic living.

Zombies.

Q 6. What percent of Christian rappers are black?

37.9865%, according to the latest census reports.

Q 7. Christian Sex stories.

Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse……I’ll leave the rest up to the imagination.

Q 8. I’m a Christian can I listen to rap?

Nope. Not very well at least.

Q 9. Why does nick say God’s name in vain?

‘Cause he’s the worst.

Q 10. Hobby Lobby contraception.

I quite understand. Every time I go to Hobby Lobby my libido disappears. I suspect the cheap, Chinese-made kitsch and the ominous Muzak praise songs function as an antiaphrodisiac.

Unrelated bonus: My daughter in a nativity scene.

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