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Why Self-Pity Is Not the Same as Self-Love

Why Self-Pity Is Not the Same as Self-Love

Last updated on: November 19, 2025 at 8:35 am by Jocelyn Soriano

Why Self-Pity Is Not the Same as Self-Love 2025-10-16T14:27:05+08:00 Jocelyn Soriano

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Many inspirational slogans today seem to focus on loving oneself. They urge us to take care of our needs, spend some quiet time recharging our energy and do the things that we love.

On the other hand, there are some Christian reactions that point to the risks of allowing these messages to divert us from the true message of the Gospel. After all, God’s commandments are about loving God and one’s neighbors. It is said that nowhere can we find in them today’s message about loving ourselves.

But is this true?

Does God want us to neglect ourselves and our needs? If God wanted us to only think about the good of others, why did He teach us to ask for our needs when He taught us the Lord’s Prayer?

God loves us. God is love Himself. And nowhere does it say that we should not love ourselves. Perhaps what people often misunderstand is when Jesus reminded us that we should “deny” ourselves and take up our cross if we would like to follow Him.

“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?” Matthew 16:24-26 NABRE

If we try to understand the context of the said Bible verses, the purpose of denying ourselves and taking up our cross is not to make us hate ourselves or treat ourselves miserably. Remember that the final objective here is to find one’s life.

Jesus knows, however, how we fail so often in loving ourselves properly. When we think of loving ourselves, we often end up hurting ourselves and ruining our souls.

To deny ourselves is not the same as not loving ourselves. What we must deny are our wrong notions of doing so. If we act “selfishly” by hurting our neighbor and living a life of sin, we lose our very souls! This is the kind of self-denial we must have. We must deny our sinful desires because they would only lead to our downfall.

Indeed, those who sin against God and neighbor are not loving themselves well. We can’t hurt others and not hurt our souls as well.

It is not self-love, therefore, that we must avoid. It is all those other things that we often confuse with it.

Pride is one. Selfishness is another.

And if there is ever a feeling that signifies we are on the wrong path, it is self-pity.

What is self-pity? It is wallowing in that feeling of sadness for oneself, and focusing on one’s exaggerated view of one’s suffering that causes self-isolation, resentment and despair.

Here are some of the ways self-pity can be distinguished from self-love:

1. Self-pity focuses on what we hate about ourselves or our situation

Those who pity themselves often have a victim mentality. They often see themselves as victims of other people and of situations beyond their control.

Their time is spent on either hating themselves or those whom they blame for their sad fate.

This is the opposite of loving yourself. When you love yourself, you focus on gratitude. You spend your time being thankful for the many blessings in your life.

Even if you have been a victim of someone, you do not focus on revenge or resentment. You spend time doing what you can to heal, recover and live a better life.

2. Self-pity isolates oneself from God and other people

Self-pity narrows our focus only to our pain. Because we believe that we are so much more miserable than others, we isolate ourselves.

We don’t allow either God or other people to know us and love us well. We’re so afraid of being hurt and think that no one could ever love us that we push others away even when we need them in our lives.

Self-love, on the other hand, enriches our relationships. Because we have a healthy love for ourselves, we also become capable of loving and serving others.

3. Self-pity exaggerates our suffering and keeps us from growing

Self-pity paints everything with bitterness and darkness. Instead of giving you freedom, it traps you in the past and keeps you from moving on.

It exaggerates your suffering so much that you are driven to the point of hopelessness and despair.

Self-love, in contrast, sees suffering as something that can help one to grow wiser and stronger. It sees past the suffering toward a better and brighter future ahead.

The Remedy to Self-Pity

Authentic love is the remedy for self-pity. True love of self, of other people and of God can help one to escape the narrow prison of wallowing in resentment and despair.

If we truly love ourselves, we would do our very best to find the kind of joy that God and our loved ones want for us.

If we love other people who are close to us, we want them to be happy by seeing us live happier and more meaningful lives.

And if we truly love God, we can offer every suffering to Him and trust in His great love for us. Instead of looking only at our miseries, we would look at His suffering on the cross. There, He suffered for you and me so that we can find eternal happiness and peace.

“But, as it is written: That eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath it entered into the heart of man, what things God hath prepared for them that love him.” – 1 Corinthians 2:9 DRA

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Mark 12:31 NABRE

You may also want to read “Should Christians Love Themselves, Too?”

Jocelyn Soriano is the author of the book Beloved: Learn To Love Yourself And Know That You Are Loved (A Conversational Approach)

Get the book from Amazon.

General Christian

About Jocelyn Soriano

Jocelyn Soriano is an author, poet, and book reviewer. She is an introvert who enjoys a cup of coffee and listening to the cello ****** while working.

She wrote the books To Love an Invisible God, Defending My Catholic Faith and Mend My Broken Heart. She also wrote books on poetry including Poems of Love and Letting Go and Of Waves and Butterflies: Poems on Grief. She has published more than 15 books and developed her own Android applications including God’s Promises and Catholic Answers and Apologetics.

She writes about relationships and common questions about God and the Catholic faith at Single Catholic Writer. She is currently single and happy and she would like everyone to know how happy we can be by drawing close to the love of God!

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