Late Night Revelations

Last updated on: March 8, 2014 at 1:20 pm by Niki Whiting

Late Night Revelations 2014-03-08T13:20:59-08:00 Niki Whiting

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I seem to be doing my best thinking in the wee hours of the night, those minutes (or hours) between trips to the bathrooms or careful turnings over. For some reason last night I was thinking of an ended relationship and my reactions to it, wondering if I’ve been too harsh. In a flash of insight I realized that part of my problem is lingering Christian thinking.

I’m the kind of person that takes things seriously. I’ve often been told that I take things too seriously. (Of course, I’ve often been accused of being flippant, which I also am. I’m a Gemini, I’ve got the both/and thing down!) One of the things I take seriously is virtue. Even as a kid I wanted to be a better me. I read books on being wiser and bolder and stronger and more loving, etc. When I read the New Testament as a preteen I took a lot of it deeply to heart. There are many lessons in there about having your insides and your outsides match (having your walk and your talk in alignment), lessons about generosity, sacrifice, integrity, love in the face of fear, the inability of wealth to provide one with happiness or spiritual truths, and how to face hostility. Many of these lessons are inextricably part of who I am now. I am grateful for the influence of Jesus and crew. I think I’m a better person having read and taken to heart the lessons of the New Testament.

Albrecht Dürer’s Praying Hands from 1508.

But some of it is equally insidious. One of those is ‘turning the other cheek.’ I’ve deconstructed this on a feminist level in graduate school. Men are encouraged to be strong in their compassion; women encouraged to be ‘resilient’ and ‘obedient’ – basically, women should silently suffer under a facade of Niceness. This has dire consequences for women who are in any kind of abusive situation. But what does it mean for me, a person who is not in one of those situations?

For me it means I am constantly giving people too many chances. I’m an optimist by nature and incredibly loyal. While I’ve been outspoken my whole life, and perceived as bold (often told I’m ‘too much’), I haven’t had the greatest of boundaries. I’ve come to see that I seem to think that close relationships need to be complicated and intense. I’ve taken on the role of the Apologizer, which allows others off the hook for ending conflict and their need to apologize. As I’ve been working through my Stuff and deepening my spiritual practice, my boundaries have gotten a lot tighter. I no longer keep turning my cheek. I’ve got two cheeks, so you’ve got two chances. Once that limit has been passed, I’m done.

This has had direct impact on some of my most (at the time) important relationships. Last night I wondered if maybe I wasn’t being forgiving enough. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made some bad choices in my life, and handled some neutral choices really poorly, too. I’ve confused people and been callous to their confusion. Can I forgive these people, this person for their issues now?

I realized a couple of things. First, it’s not my job. They are not asking for my forgiveness. If they were I’d be having a different argument in my head. Second, I am not a Christian, so what does forgiveness and turning the other cheek have to do with anything? Good boundaries and integrity are more important to me and my practice than some notion of martyr-ish forgiveness.

This insight – I am not a Christian and therefore not obligated to forgive anyone – struck me with such intensity that it obscured the bigger realization that didn’t occur to me until I was puttering around the kitchen this morning. That is, wow, my self-indoctrination runs more deeply than I’d realized. It’s going to take years to tease out my old monotheistic and Christian thinking from my beliefs and practices.

Previous Post

March 6, 2014

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming...

Next Post

March 10, 2014 Pagans and Money, part 2

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Alaska altar altars Ana Ancestors Anderson witchcraft Arddu Bhairava Biography bodies books Christianity Christmas community current events death Delphic Maxims Dhumavati dual observance Durga Faery family life feminism Feri Feri tradition Feri witchcraft food ganesha gratitude Guest Post guru health Hinduism holidays Jesus Kali Lakshmi land links magic Many Gods West movie review movies music my heart mystery myth Navratri Orthodoxy pagan pagan culture paganism pantheacon parenting Place politics polytheism practice pratice prayer Red Goddess review ritual sacred arts Samhain Saraswati Shinto Shiva singing Star Goddess Tantra tarot the Gods theory Uncategorized values virgin mary wales washington winter witchcraft year in review yoga

Select a Month September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What prophet challenged King Ahab and Queen Jezebel over Naboth's vineyard?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Amos Nathan Elijah Elisha