Life After Loss

Last updated on: October 8, 2014 at 3:55 pm by Barbara Alexander

Life After Loss 2014-10-08T15:55:00-06:00 Barbara Alexander

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Last year on July 1st, I accompanied my brother to Stanford University Medical Center. Tom was a leukemia survivor, the poster child of Stanford’s Bone Marrow Transplant Unit. Almost one year from the date of his seemingly successful transplant, we were on our way to see our beloved oncologist as Tom was not feeling well and Dr. Shizuru wanted to see him. What followed was 18 harrowing days while Tom battled both a virulent infection that could not be controlled and a re-occurrence of the dreaded acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Dr. Shizuru cancelled her vacation to Tahiti to be at his bedside. Like the year before, our family was surrounded with the excellent minds and great hearts of the Stanford medical staff. On July 18th, despite everyone’s herculean efforts, my brother made his transition. His loss left a gaping hole in the lives of our family and friends. The grief that so many still feel is a credit to the person my brother was.

This may seem like an odd way to begin the first post I’ve written in over a year. You may think I tell the story to explain my silence but it is more than that. It is my way of honoring Tom’s support in my life, which continues since he left this physical plane reality. So it is with pleasure that I write to announce the project that feels like the culmination of my 40 years of study and practice . . . the Unique Self Coaching Process.

The saga begins before Tom was diagnosed. My friend, colleague and spiritual teacher, Marc Gafni, asked me to develop a process that facilitated an individual’s Unique Self emergence. Marc has a blog on the Spirituality Portal called Spiritually Incorrect. His teaching is a brilliant weaving of psychology and spirituality, my two passions, into a tapestry that marries the best of Eastern and Western wisdom, ancient and modern. It’s message is clear and down to earth . . . we are each a unique manifestation of the love/intelligence of the universe with particular gifts and an obligation to share those gifts for the good of the world. As we recognize our connection with that love/intelligence and free ourselves from the limiting beliefs that keep us small and separate, we are freed to shine our own light and love into this world full of such outrageous pain. Rather than be overwhelmed and immobilized by the state of the world, we each do what we’re uniquely equipped to do and together we can change the world.

Naturally I accepted with excitement. As always Tom and I discussed the project at length since he was one of my greatest supporters and most respected advisors. Sadly his initial diagnosis came shortly after I’d taken on the project, and so I put it on the shelf. It is shocking to experience how one’s bandwidth narrows in times of crisis. Weathering the storm of my brother’s illness was an amazing experience and took most of my bandwidth. Happily we weathered it with help from so many people. Tom’s transplant was a success.

Over a year passed since the original diagnosis. Spring arrived with hope in the air and Marc broached the subject again. And again I accepted. By July 1st just as I was digging my teeth into the Unique Self Coaching project, the devastating re-occurrence overwhelmed us, my bandwidth narrowed and showed no signs of widening in the face of the overwhelming grief I was experiencing. Assuring me the project would wait, Marc told me to take care of myself. I knew he meant it and I also knew he was eager to see the project take shape, what a gift of compassion he gave.

Marc was one of many dear friends who checked in on me regularly as the weeks following my brother’s death passed. One day he asked if I knew Claire Molinard. He thought she might like to be a part of the development of the Unique Self Coaching Process. I did know Claire, and felt an immediate “Yes!” within me as I considered working with her, a fellow Integral Master Coach. Still I had to consider my low energy level and my lack of zest for life. In times like this I know to wait and listen to my immediate response while honoring any uncertainty that follows. As I sat one morning contemplating the beautiful collaborative possibilities and my narrowed bandwidth, I heard Tom speak to me as if he were in the chair across from me at our favorite coffee shop. “Don’t wallow in the grief,” he said in his characteristically direct manner. “This is yours to do. Do it. Do it for me.”

And so I did. Surrounded by the love of my family and friends, I embarked on the development of the Unique Self Coaching Process with Claire, one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met. The way we’ve worked together over these twelve months has been magical. The grief remains to be sure, but the focus of my attention on something so dear to my heart has provided deep healing. Marc says that once we discover our unique gift we have an obligation to offer it to the world. This process of helping others discover the essence of who we are and how it manifests uniquely in each of us is indeed my offering, my unique gift to the world, as it is Claire’s. In June, we began our first nine-month training program for helping professionals. We have an awesome “beta” group of 9 brave souls. Already we have dates for a second US training and the first European training, both will begin in 2015. I will be writing in more detail about the process in subsequent posts.

As we have developed and are now offering this training, the universe has offered us deep and profound support. For me, the greatest support has come from the “other side” in the form of my beloved brother; he’s never stopped communicating his love and support for me and I am quite certain he never will. This one is for you Tom!

I close with the words of Brian Andreas, an American writer, painter and sculptor of StoryPeople fame who speaks so clearly of my experience of my beloved brother.

I carry you with me into the world,

into the smell of the rain and

the words that dance between people

and for me, it will always be this way,

walking in the light,

remembering being alive together.

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