{"id":12759,"date":"2024-06-13T05:00:08","date_gmt":"2024-06-13T09:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?p=12759"},"modified":"2024-06-13T07:45:46","modified_gmt":"2024-06-13T11:45:46","slug":"6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

<\/p>\n

This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our Family Life podcast, Married With Benefits!<\/em> Brian Goins and I have based this season on my <\/em>Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/a> findings. In <\/em>part 1<\/em><\/a>, we looked at three steps to begin change in your marriage. In this part 2, we\u2019ll tackle three steps to build the habit that all happy marriages have. *<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

In The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/em><\/a>, we discovered twelve little habits that make a big difference in marriage. (Well, actually thirteen, and we\u2019ll include the \u201cmystery\u201d secret in Season 4 of the Married with Benefits podcast<\/a>. Be sure to follow it so you get notified when new episodes drop!)<\/p>\n

Although not all of the happiest couples had the same habits, we found there is ONE habit that couples simply cannot have a happy marriage without<\/em>.<\/p>\n

This is essentially the key that turns the lock to all the other secrets:<\/p>\n

The happiest married couples choose to believe the best about their spouses\u2019 intentions toward them, even if they are legitimately hurt.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This finding, more than any other, has the potential to flip the script when couples get sideways with each other in the day-to-day push and pull of married life.<\/p>\n

I can almost hear some of you asking, \u201cHow exactly do we do<\/em> this \u2013 especially when I really have been hurt?!\u201d We\u2019ll get into three specific steps, below. But there is one foundational truth you need to grapple with first.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong>The foundational truth<\/strong><\/h2>\n* ** When you choose to believe the best of your spouse\u2019s motivations toward you, it\u2019s not just wishful thinking. Fully 99.26% of spouses truly care about their mate and want the best for them, even during painful times.<\/p>\n ** And even in the most struggling marriages, <\/em>that rate was 97%!!<\/p>\n ** *This means that almost universally, statistically speaking,<\/strong> your spouse deeply cares about you<\/strong>.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re in a struggling marriage, read that again. <\/strong>(And if you haven\u2019t already, go back and read last week\u2019s Part 1 blog<\/a> for ideas on how to start nudging your marriage in the right direction.)<\/p>\n Since statistically, your spouse almost certainly does <\/em>care about you, the secret sauce comes in deciding to believe that!*<\/p>\n We dive into this truth in detail on episode 2 of the Married with Benefits podcast<\/a>. My husband Jeff joined us in the studio, and the conversation is a game-changer for couples who want to master the art of believing the best even when it gets . . . tricky.<\/p>\n Now, as always, in cases of abuse, or in the rare cases where you mate has checked out (see footnote below), steps that will be productive and necessary for you will be different than those outlined in this blog. But otherwise, here are three steps that the marriage Olympians take \u00ad\u2013 and that we can copy. Steps to help our actions align with the statistical truth that our spouse cares about us<\/em> \u2013 even when things are hard.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Step #1: When you feel hurt, acknowledge that \u2013 and then find a more generous explanation for your spouse\u2019s behavior<\/strong><\/h2>\n***** ** *****You have been hurt. You\u2019re angry and upset. But you have a choice how to handle it \u2013 and the most important choice is how you\u2019re going to view your spouse\u2019s motivations toward you<\/em>. Seeking a more generous explanation for hurtful behavior than \u201che\/she doesn\u2019t care!\u201d was the first step that moved many marriages in our research from \u201cpoor\u201d to \u201cpro.\u201d<\/p>\n So you can get an idea of how this works, here\u2019s an example: On the heels of an exhausting few months with high-stress jobs, the loss of a parent, and parenting their own kids, a couple we featured in the Surprising Secrets book<\/a> had made long-overdue plans for a night out together.<\/p>\n But then the husband spent all day golfing with his buddies, got home late \u2013 and was exhausted.<\/p>\n Instead of elevating the situation to DEFCON 1, the wife did Step #1. She realized his actions did not <\/em>indicate \u201ctaking her for granted\u201d or any of the other negative assumptions her brain wanted to chew on. Instead, they were the actions of an exhausted man who finally \u2013 finally <\/em>\u2013 was able to blow off some steam and who had lost track of time. She was honest and told her husband she was really disappointed, but then she said, \u201cBut I know you love me. And I know you needed this time with your friends.\u201d<\/p>\n Overwhelmed with her gentle reaction, her husband was awed and grateful rather than defensive.<\/p>\n So the next time your spouse leaves a pile of dirty dishes in the sink again<\/em>, or seems to brush you off or, or doesn\u2019t ask you about the really important meeting that was on your calendar, go ahead and say \u201cthat hurts.\u201d That\u2019s legitimate.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n But then ask yourself, \u201cWhat is a more generous explanation for their behavior?\u201d Do they just not see the dishes or were they too exhausted to do them? Is their brain at maximum capacity with work demands, and even though they prayed for my meeting they just forgot to ask about it later?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/strong><\/p>\n Step #2: Assume they must not have known how it would make you feel, or else they wouldn\u2019t have said\/done it.<\/strong><\/h2>\n******* ** In the first step, you challenged the \u201cHe\/she doesn\u2019t care about me!\u201d lie about your spouse\u2019s motives. In the second step, you turn that lie on its head, and assume the opposite.\u00a0 Instead of assuming they don\u2019t care, assume that they do \u2013<\/em> which means that if they had realized that this thing would hurt you, they wouldn\u2019t have done it!<\/p>\n ** For example, suppose your teenager has been pushing all the boundaries, and you are trying to impose some discipline. As the situation escalates, you try to enlist the support of your spouse but you feel like they throw you under the bus instead.<\/p>\n ** If Step #1 is acknowledging your hurt, but looking for a more caring explanation for their behavior, then Step #2 means to approach your spouse with the assumption <\/em>that they would NEVER <\/em>have wanted to embarrass and undermine you in front of your teenager.<\/p>\n ** It might sound something like: \u201cThis action felt like ____ to me, and it hurt. I don\u2019t think you realized that, or meant for it to come across that way. Can you help me understand how you did mean it to come across?\u201d<\/p>\n ** This is all covered in much more detail on episode 2 of the Married with Benefits podcast, so give it a listen. (You\u2019ll also find out exactly how things go in my house when dishes are in the sink and mail is piled on the counter. Ugh<\/em>. Plus, host Brian Goins has a particular hot take on Lego bricks that I think all parents will enjoy. It involves \u201cdevil\u201d and \u201cLego\u201d in the same sentence.)<\/p>\n ** \u00a0<\/p>\n ** *******<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>Step #3: Be kind.<\/strong><\/h2>\n********* ** When we are hurt, instead of acting in bitterness or anger, God offers us a better way: \u201cBe kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.\u201d (Ephesians 4:32)<\/p>\n ** We all struggle, and sometimes the deepest parts of these struggles are things we can\u2019t put into words \u2013 at least right away \u2013 even with our spouses.<\/p>\n ** Simply being kind in the moments when we are hurt can diffuse conflict, disarm our spouse\u2019s defenses, and change our own feelings for the better. This doesn\u2019t mean ignoring something that needs to be discussed. But purposeful kindness can help part the clouds during a hard time.<\/p>\n ** *********After all, when you mess up, you want your spouse to be kind to you, right?<\/p>\n To help you apply this well \u2013 and all the other secrets of the happy marriages! \u2013 I hope you\u2019ll tune in to this season\u2019s Married With Benefits<\/em><\/a> podcast.<\/p>\n I also hope you\u2019ll consider taking Family Life\u2019s Summer Couple\u2019s Challenge<\/a>!! It\u2019s a great way of investing in your marriage this summer.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n *Sadly, there will be a small percentage of marriages where a troubled spouse has simply emotionally checked out, or where abuse is present. Ask an objective but trusted pastor or friend for their input on the situation in your marriage, and get help if needed.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \n ********* \nImprove your relationships with simple, actionable steps backed by proven research! Visit *********\nSurprisingHope.com<\/strong><\/a> to learn about our courses.<\/p>\n Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send********* *********\nus a speaking inquiry request today!<\/a><\/p>\n Please note: This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small********* \namount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn\u2019t cost you *********\nanything.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our Family Life podcast, Married With Benefits! Brian Goins and I have based this season on my Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages findings. In part 1, we looked at three steps to begin change in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1684,"featured_media":12762,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[6606,6149,5846,6600,6603,6146],"class_list":["post-12759","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","tag-family-life-radio","tag-highly-happy-couples","tag-married-with-benefits","tag-married-with-benefits-podcast","tag-summer-couples-challenge","tag-surprising-secrets-of-highly-happy-couples"],"yoast_head":"\n6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our Family Life podcast, Married With Benefits!\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/\" \/>\n<link rel=\"next\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our Family Life podcast, Married With Benefits!\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Ask Shaunti\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-06-13T09:00:08+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-06-13T11:45:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/392\/2024\/06\/Blog-Posts-Wide-2024-06-12T225739.155.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"600\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Shaunti Feldhahn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Shaunti Feldhahn\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/\",\"name\":\"6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2024-06-13T09:00:08+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-06-13T11:45:46+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#\/schema\/person\/b4a7584f5c1d065cf5bb9cc5f34d0f19\"},\"description\":\"This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our Family Life podcast, Married With Benefits!\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/2024\/06\/6-steps-to-change-your-marriage-for-the-better-part-2\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/\",\"name\":\"Ask Shaunti\",\"description\":\"Marriage, Sex, Relationships\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/askshaunti\/#\/schema\/person\/b4a7584f5c1d065cf5bb9cc5f34d0f19\",\"name\":\"Shaunti Feldhahn\",\"description\":\"Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man\u2019s Eyes. 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