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The Surprising Reason Your Spouse Pulls Away During Conflict

The Surprising Reason Your Spouse Pulls Away During Conflict

Last updated on: November 6, 2026 at 6:39 pm by Shaunti Feldhahn

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The Surprising Reason Your Spouse Pulls Away During Conflict 2026-11-06T18:39:00-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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My husband Jeff recently had a rather funny experience at work. A colleague stopped him in the elevator and told him that her sister had sent her a viral video of a “blue shirt guy” sharing some great insight about handling conflict. Jeff’s colleague said she opened the video and was taken by surprise when, on the screen, appeared…Jeff!

The colleague explained that she and her boyfriend had been struggling with how they handled disagreements. After watching the clip, she sent it to him, and the advice made a real difference in their relationship. It made me so happy when Jeff came home and told me that story.

The clip Jeff’s colleague was referring to was from a conversation Jeff and I had on Ryan Miller’s podcast, where Jeff became known in the comments as “Blue Shirt Guy.” (Blue Shirt Guy knows what he’s talking about!) So, of course, when we recorded our own podcast episode on it, Jeff had to wear a blue shirt in honor of that viral video.

The whole thing is a bit amusing. But the reason that little clip resonated with so many people is worth paying serious attention to.

In our research, we’ve found that men are far more likely to need time and space to process their thoughts and emotions during conflict. That doesn’t describe every man, of course, but on our nationally representative survey, it was true of three out of every four men.

And here’s where things can get tricky. While he’s stepping away to figure out what he’s feeling, she may now be wondering whether their relationship is okay. He might have no idea that his need for space is causing her distress!

During our conversation, Jeff shared something about his own processing that I thought was particularly helpful (and so did a lot of other people, apparently). Whenever he and I have an argument, he often needs to get some distance from the situation before he can understand why he’s upset. And he doesn’t necessarily sit down and deliberately think through the disagreement. He might be doing something completely unrelated when suddenly something clicks, and he realizes what’s been bothering him.

That was fascinating to me because it’s so different from how many women process their emotions. We may want to talk things through with a friend or our spouse, working out what we’re feeling as we talk. And when we don’t recognize that our spouse may process things differently, it’s easy to misunderstand what’s happening.

Which brings us back to the advice that made Jeff “Blue Shirt Guy” famous.

A little reassurance can make an enormous difference. A simple statement like, “We’re okay. I’m upset and need some time to think, but we’ll work through this,” can give one person the space they need while helping the other feel secure.

And this works both ways! The person who needs space can recognize that walking away without reassurance might feel painful to their spouse. And the person who wants to talk can recognize that needing time to process doesn’t necessarily mean their spouse is avoiding the problem.

I think that’s one of the most important things Jeff and I discussed: We can’t assume our spouse experiences conflict the same way we do. When we approach those differences with grace and goodwill instead of frustration, we create more room to understand each other.

Jeff and I unpacked all of that in an episode of our podcast called I Wish You Could Hear This, including some fascinating (and occasionally surprising!) reactions to the viral clip and what they reveal about our relationships.

You can listen to the full conversation below.

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