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Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

Last updated on: November 14, 2023 at 5:00 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

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Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1) 2023-11-13T17:26:31-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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Truth 1: We all feel suspicion, even if we don’t label it that way

It is easy to label some feelings as suspicion. (“Where were you during lunch, and why did you turn off the tracking on your phone?”) But many feelings are sneakier.

Not long ago I was speaking at a women’s event, and one of the attendees, who I will call Aubrey, told me how much the habit of had helped her marriage. Aubrey, like me, had battled breast a few years before. She described something that happened after one procedure, which woke her up to the need to handle things differently.

She described her husband as “an incredible, thoughtful, guy” – and yet some pretty negative feelings flooded out of her in a vulnerable moment. Feelings that, she didn’t realize, were essentially suspicion. Aubrey routinely had various medical procedures, but this one was unexpectedly painful. That morning, her husband said he would try to be home from work a bit early in order to handle the kids and dinner. She had been looking forward to a little TLC, which she hadn’t mentioned to him. Meanwhile, in his mind, the situation was relatively routine.

So when he called that afternoon and – after asking how she was doing – said he wanted to grab drinks after work with his new boss for a bit of relationship-building, she reacted.

“I instantly started feeling sorry for myself. But again – I didn’t mention that to him. Instead, my brain started working overtime with all sorts of thoughts that were totally undeserved.” She described thoughts like this:

Why wouldn’t he make sure that he was home early tonight of all nights? Doesn’t he care?

He thinks I’m high-maintenance and wants to avoid dealing with me.

He could have drinks with his boss any night. He is thinking about his career more than how much I need him.

I’m assuming most of us can understand those thoughts. But we need to label them for what they are: suspicion. And we need to grapple with what “our” version of those thoughts might be in other settings. For example:

I can’t believe my coworker didn’t invite me to the team meeting. She is trying to push me off this project.

Our pastor keeps saying it is not the right time for me to join the worship team; he just wants to control everything.

My close friend didn’t include me on her beach trip. She obviously doesn’t care about me as much as I care about her.

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