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What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

Last updated on: August 22, 2023 at 5:00 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

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What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1) 2023-08-21T17:08:23-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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Action #1: When confused about how to handle something … picture the coach.

When we struggle with how to handle a particular “parenting moment,” we can picture two types of people – and choose which we will be.

Person 1 is a restaurant inspector. Their job is to come in, poke around behind the scenes of a business, make sure everything is happening in the safe and healthy way it is supposed to happen, and enforce the rules when things are going off the rails. They don’t run the business, but they have legal oversight – and the ability to shut the business down financially if they don’t like where it is going. And most restaurateurs don’t like either of those things very much.

Person 2 is the coach of a college sports team. Their job is to help their athletes become the best they can be and learn what they need to learn … but the choice to accept coaching and do what needs to be done (or not) is entirely on the athlete. And the coach will in turn make their guidelines and scholarship requirements clear and decide how to handle the athlete based on the athlete’s attitude and choices.

So, when we wonder what to do … what would a coach do? What would a coach who deeply cares for his or her players do? (Yes, I know the analogy is imperfect, because we are and will always be, first and foremost a PARENT who adores our kid. But work with me here.)

We can share lots of encouragement with words of hope and promise. We can let our kids know how proud we are of very specific things – for example, of how they are handling their job pressure, romantic choices, or roommate challenges. We can build them up when they are discouraged. We can let them know we are here if they need us. If we are brand-new at this coach thing, we can avoid the temptation to call every ten minutes. (Just sayin’.)

And just as a coach would likely call out damaging or unproductive patterns that impacted their athlete’s life, we might need to call something out with love and grace. We might need to set clear boundaries and say what will happen beyond them. (“Whether you keep smoking is your choice; but in that case you’ll need to find a different place to live. And I’d be glad to help you look at the options if you wanted that.”) We might even need to “pull their scholarship” if they are making unwise choices with the financial support we extend. But the goal is to help them become the best they can be in order to succeed (coach) rather than ensure they are adhering to certain rules (restaurant inspector).

For those of us who are early in this journey, it’s really important to give ourselves grace as we make the switch from counselor to coach. I’m learning, stumbling around, and cringing when I make the classic mistakes. The other day, when my daughter made a decision about something, I asked her, “Are you sure you want to do it that way?” A long pause told me that she was trying to figure out how to say kindly, “Yes, that’s why I’m doing it this way, Mom.”

We won’t do it perfectly. And they won’t do it perfectly (hence our desire to jump in). But if we want to have ongoing presence in their lives for when they do need and want our guidance, a coach mindset is far more likely to build that relationship than an inspector vibe that tells our young independent adults, “You have to do life my way.”

There are several more mindset shifts that matter, so come back next week for actionable steps related to trust and boundary lines, and learning what you can do to foster strong relationships with your adult kids in both areas. (We’ll solicit input from you at the end of next week’s blog too, so if you’re an empty nester, don’t miss the chance to weigh in!)

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August 29, 2023 What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

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