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The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2

The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2

Last updated on: April 25, 2023 at 5:00 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

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The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2 2023-04-24T15:39:57-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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Action #3: Say goodbye to guilt

As parents, guilt can bully us into making concessions that aren’t good for our kids. Here are two examples:

Suppose John and Jackie don’t let their 15-year-old go out with her friends because her homework isn’t done, and they’ve been clear about this expectation. Predictably, their teen lashes out, calls them the worst parents in the world, and slams her bedroom door – with a parting shot that she’s having a hard enough time fitting in at school without her parents keeping her from having a social life. John and Jackie are at a critical juncture. They know they can let guilt goad them into relenting, but they decide to hold their ground, knowing it’s in their daughter’s best interests.

Or take Aaron and April, who have both been working many late hours to shore up their struggling family business. They feel guilty for being so unavailable, and compensate by setting aside the healthy guardrails they had originally placed around their sons’ video game use – leaving the boys to play for hours on end. Months into this new rhythm, Aaron and April see that the ramifications aren’t great, but feel even guiltier about trying to reestablish the rules around gaming – especially because the boys have gotten so used to being able to play whenever they want. And with the economy the way it is, they know they won’t be able to cut back their own work hours any time soon.

As parents, the temptation to slip into guilt-based parenting strategies is real. So whenever you feel that sense of guilt, acknowledge it but remember that you don’t have to give into it! Remind yourself of the vital research-backed truth from part 1: Our teenagers actually want us to stand our ground! When we sidestep that role out of guilt (or for any other reason), we actually create a situation where they feel uncared-for and insecure. (Not to mention a situation – as with the gaming example – that is potentially really unhealthy for them.)

An important note: being the parent rather than the friend doesn’t mean swinging the pendulum of rules enforcement back to a pattern that was more appropriate for early childhood! In a few months or a few years, your teenager will be flying on their own – so now is when they should both be able to earn and experiment with the freedoms they are pushing for and know that a parent is looking over their shoulder to see how they are handling those freedoms.

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April 20, 2023

The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1

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May 2, 2023 4 Easy Ways to Start Helping Kids Understand Their Feelings

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