When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage

Last updated on: August 30, 2022 at 6:00 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

When Knee-Jerk Reactions Cause Money Tension In Marriage 2022-08-29T14:19:34-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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Step 1: List what applies to you and your spouse.

Go through the faulty assumptions (you can see all of them in Thriving in Love and Money) and identify which ones apply to you. Then identify areas where you and your spouse have contrasting opinions. This will help you watch out for those reactions going forward.

Step 2: Next time you are tempted toward a knee-jerk reaction (or see one from a spouse) ask yourself why.

Give yourself space between the experience of a feeling (or your spouse’s) and your actions. And ask yourself some probing questions about those feelings. For example, “Is my spouse wrong about not wanting to buy so many Christmas gifts, or do we just have a difference of opinion?” Or “Is my spouse really trying to control me by not letting me purchase that new rug, or is he just concerned about staying within our budget?”

Doing this will not only allow you space, but it will also help you understand yourself and your spouse better.

Step 3: Honor your spouse’s feelings.

Once you become aware of the knee-jerk tendencies that could be arising in you and your spouse, you will be more equipped to handle the problem before it becomes too big. If you realize you’ve overreacted, explain to your spouse what you’ve been realizing about what is under the surface. And, if needed, apologize in a way that honors them.

Always keep in mind that what we see on the surface of money issues (a seemingly irrational reaction) is often only a signal of something that lies beneath. Once we are willing to pause and examine our thoughts and feelings, we have a beautiful opportunity to move from conflict and overreactions and toward honest communication, connection, and much more intimacy.

For more tips on creating unity around finances, visit thriveinloveandmoney.com to take the free assessment or read more in our book, Thriving in Love and Money.)

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