Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex

Last updated on: June 30, 2022 at 12:15 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex 2022-06-29T21:38:12-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

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**Tip #2: Work with (not against) the key emotional differences between you**

Just as we often have different physiology, there are often different emotional factors tied up in our intimate responses to each other—and it makes all the difference in the world if we honor those rather than a) being clueless or b) expecting it to not be that way.

Although there are plenty of exceptions, one particularly important emotional factor around sex is often different among men and among women. As Dr. Sytsma has summarized so well, women tend to think, “We can do that once you touch my heart.” Men tend to think, “You touch my heart by doing that.”

Most men have a deep emotional need to feel desired by their wife. So feeling that “she wants me” often touches a man’s heart in a profound way, including giving him a sense of confidence and well-being in all the other areas of his life—not just in the bedroom! (Women want to feel desired too, of course, but across all our research that feeling appears to impact men more broadly.)

Most women have a deep emotional need to feel pursued outside the bedroom, in order to want to be close inside the bedroom. Even among a wife who is higher desire than her husband, the feeling that “he truly loves me”—conveyed by non-sexual attention and care throughout the day—is often essential for “unlocking” her heart to want intimate connection. (Men want to feel loved outside the bedroom too, of course, but across all our research that feeling appears to be a particularly important “gatekeeper” for women.)

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