Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex

Last updated on: June 30, 2022 at 12:15 am by Shaunti Feldhahn

Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Sex 2022-06-29T21:38:12-04:00 Shaunti Feldhahn

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Tip #1: Work with (not against) the key physiological differences between you

One of the main reasons for hurt feelings and conflict is the simple disconnect of one partner wanting more sex than the other. And yet . . . it turns out that most of the time the issue isn’t that one person “wants more” but that the two partners have two different types of desire—and have no idea that a second type of desire even exists.

Most people think of desire as being what we see on TV: two people get an “I’m hungry for you” sort of feeling and pursue having sex. But that is just one type of desire, called initiating desire. The second primary type of desire is called receptive desire which is completely different, physiologically. The receptive desire person just doesn’t think about sex as often as an initiating desire person and doesn’t have the desire to pursue sex in quite the same way. In fact, the receptive desire person often decides to have sex and starts feeling that sense of desire a few minutes later!

Our culture has so overwhelmingly portrayed “desire” as being equivalent to “initiating desire,” that we look at the receptive spouse and think there’s something wrong: “My spouse doesn’t desire me.” “My spouse doesn’t have a high enough sex drive.” “Why do I always have to initiate?” When in fact usually there’s nothing wrong and the person simply has a different physiology.

Thus, to help build a great sex life, understand which of you has which type of desire and work with it rather than expecting it to be different and getting upset that it’s not. For example, realize that a receptive desire spouse often simply has to be approached differently, with overt flirting or anticipation time in advance so they start thinking about and looking forward to hitting the bedroom later. (If you want a bit more information, review the sex chapters in For Women Only and For Men Only, our prior books about understanding the inner lives of men and women. Because Dr. Sytsma has been our advisor on this topic for years, we have already included some exploration of these physiological differences, which are often gender-related.)

Go back Continue Reading

Secrets of Sex & Marriage

sex

sex life

Previous Post

June 22, 2022

What I’m Loving Lately—Summer Edition

Next Post

July 7, 2022 Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Christmas church current events dissent Editor's Choice family gifts growth humor kindness marriage men money news other parenting personal personal sex singleness teenagers Uncategorized women work

Select a Month September 2025 August 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: The Gospel of John records seven miracles (signs) of Jesus.

Select your answer to see how you score.

FALSE TRUE

Books by This Author Books by Shaunti Feldhahn

See All Titles »